Peace

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

"I have a message for you from the King. He says, 'I gave you peace. Now, do not be troubled. And do not be afraid.' And might I add, I think He's also implying that you're being too melodramatic and you should just enjoy what He gave you."

"My, you are blunt, aren't you."

"Thank you. I know you like it that way. He did give you peace, didn't He?"

"Yes, He did. He took away the squeezing in my heart some time ago."

"I think your treacherous heart is just trying to get attention. It wants you to treat this as an ultimate goal. But if you think about it, if you do, after you get this, you'll be lost in the middle of the journey."

"Blame it on Disney. Real life ultimate goals should be so big, so epic, you won't have enough time to be lost."

"Hey, for the record, I know how you feel. You're just being a woman. And I don't think it's a bad thing despite what you think."

"It's just a bit hard to change my perception, when for the longest time, I believed my role was to be a ruler: cold, distant and correct."

"And unreachable."

"Is it too much to ask for someone who would fight for me?"

"'Fight you,' is more like it."

"That wasn't my intention. I just wanted someone strong. In heart and in principle."

"Well, you haven't met everyone yet. Other types exist, you know. They're uncommon. But they're there."

"And where will I find these types?"

"The King said not to worry."

"Oh very well. I shall stop thinking about this, and go make an impact on the world."

"You know where the goat pens are."

Deceitful Heart

The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?  

"I the Lord search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct,
according to what their deeds deserve." (Jeremiah 17:9, 10 NIV)

 The heart is deceitful above all things. And Lord, I have a human heart. The world tells me, "You will regret it if you don't do anything about it." But a part of me says, "You will regret it if you take matters into your own hands again."

"You know what happened last time. Yes, we have proven that if we put effort into it, we can get what we want. But keeping what we want is a different matter."

"But isn't that fear speaking? You've been burned before, and now, you don't ever want to take chances. Coward."

"But I no longer truly know what is best. How will I know if I made the right choice?"

"You don't. That's called taking risk. And you always take risk when the stakes are high. And the stakes are high in this case."

"I can no longer confidently say, this is the best choice."

"And yet in business, you take the risk anyway. You are afraid. Fear does not suit you."

"Fine. I admit. I am afraid. I admit that if I make a decision now, I have to live with that decision."

"As with most decisions. Never stopped you, never bothered you before. This bothers you because it hurt and embarrassed you. And the hurt was too near for comfort."

"It's not just that. I don't want to do anything because..."

"You want to keep your image."

"That's one. What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing."

"And another thing, there is the issue of propriety."

"All is fair in--"

"Shut up. You're not helping."

"Nothing is set in stone yet. You know how the wind changes. You've seen three this year. You didn't expect those."

"No, I didn't. And I feel evil for having a part of me wish the wind blows in my direction."

"I don't think it's wrong to wish."

"I don't, either. I just don't trust myself because once I start to wish, I know I will try my best to get it. That's just how I function."

"And I like me for that."

"Can't God do this for me? Can't God fight for me in this case."

"We may cast the die, but the result is always from the Lord. Circumstances are not going to change unless He says so. But He also told you to get your own goat. Do what is possible, leave the impossible to Him."

"Spending time is possible... But I want my God's go signal."

"Let's ask, then."

"He's not answering this question."

"Maybe He is and You're not listening. Maybe He is and you don't like the answer."

"I don't hear anything."

Lord, these are the noisy thoughts in my heart. Another thought is I don't hear You because it's too noisy in here. You know the question in my heart. I said I'd sacrifice some doors for You. But speak to me clearly, Lord. Let me know what You want me to do.

Wait for the Lord

I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living. 

Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:13, 14 NIV)

 Lord, thank You for the insights. My friend said I was too engrossed with my own problems, I don't even know what is going on with my friends. But none of that anymore. I will do my best to be observant. I will lift up my eyes and look around, just as You have asked me to. I'm going out with them on Sunday. And spend time with others on Monday.

As for my heart, Lord, I remain confident of this: I will see Your goodness in the land of the living. Therefore I will wait for You. I will be strong. I will take heart. And I will wait for You.

Sacrifices

You have not brought me sheep for burnt offerings,
nor honored me with your sacrifices.
I have not burdened you with grain offerings
nor wearied you with demands for incense. (Isaiah 43:23 NIV)

Forgive me, Lord. It seems all I do is ask for forgiveness these days. But more and more I see my selfishness. More and more I see how I have taken matters into my own hands. Lord, I offer You this sacrifice I am about to make. I will honor You with this. It was fine before. But now I know that my motives are no longer pure. My brother asked me last night if I was ready for what You're about to do. I am not. There is still this one. And so Lord, I offer this sacrifice to You. You know how precious this is to me, but You, Lord, are my God. And I will offer this to You. Here, Lord, I lay this at Your feet.

Review the past for me,
let us argue the matter together;
state the case for your innocence. (Isaiah 43:26 NIV)

In this case, Lord, I haven't been innocent. But I will bring to You my case, Lord. And yes, Lord, let us discuss the matter.

I ask for Your blessing, Your love and Your protection. Guide me as I go to work now, and may these hands bring glory to You, Lord. This I pray in Jesus' Name.

Desert into Pools

I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs. I will put in the desert
the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive.
I will set junipers in the wasteland,
the fir and the cypress together, so that people may see and know,
may consider and understand,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
that the Holy One of Israel has created it. (Isaiah 41:18-20 NIV)

Dear Lord,

Thank You for bringing back my parents safely home. Thank You for my beloved family.

Lord, my brother and I were talking a while ago. A little forced, though. But then I really wanted someone to sit with me and help me plot down what You've been telling me. And well, I don't have a lot of Christian friends. And the ones I'm close to are guys. So I pleaded with my brother to just sit down a while. He gave me only a few minutes. He says he has a policy against counseling family members. I wasn't asking him to counsel me. I just wanted him to help me plot things down. Please help me find Christian friends I can do this with, so I don't need to pester my brother.

Anyway, for the company, it's been consistent and straightforward. Stay, run the business, it will prosper. Be sure to know the condition of your flocks for they will provide for you. Set the example for your people. You will work, and you will benefit. Even kings will put you in high regard. Because whoever hopes in the Lord will not be disappointed.

For other aspects of my life, it started out with being still. Last year, You told me to wait for You. That was pretty much the recurring idea the whole of last year. At the earlier part of this year, You told me to delight myself in You. To commit my way to You. To trust You, for You will bring it to pass. You told me not to remember the former things because You will do a new thing. Wait.

Then, You said to open my eyes. I looked at my journals, and You already told me this in June. That I already have what it takes. I already have what I need. Then last week, the message became louder. But then last week, You revealed something to me. And You broke the chains that bound me. you freed me, Lord. And taught me new things. You made me see some things in my past differently. It was a wonderful feeling, Lord. And it may look sudden, and people around me may not believe it, but last week, You broke barriers in me. You freed me from my fears.

Was that what You needed me to open my eyes to? Or are there others? If, as I am daring to hope, You are answering the question I have been asking, am I ready, Lord? Last week, I felt I was. But am I slipping again? I hope not. I certainly hope not. Protect me, Lord. And protect Yours. And keep me from breaking anything. If there is to be any breaking, You do it. Not me. We have established that only You can break something and transform it into something wonderful. Am I ready, Lord? Or do You need me to learn something more before we proceed? Let me know, Lord. I place my heart in Your hands. I hold on to Your promise, Lord, that what You give me will glorify You.

I guess there are doors I have to close. Ah, Lord, will You break my heart again? But I will do it, Lord. For Your glory. Say the word and I will obey.

Irrevocable

For God's gifts and his call are irrevocable. (Romans 11:29 NIV)

 Thank You, Lord. Now that You have called me to serve for Your Kingdom, I don't know what kind of life I would be living apart form You. I don't want to be away from You. And thank You for Your gifts. I want to use them wisely, Lord, for the benefit of Your kingdom. And maximize their use, Lord. Enlighten me on that, Lord.

Even though...

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. (Habakkuk 3:17, 18 NIV)

My God, forgive me. I whined and questioned You yesterday. But though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. My brother gave me really good insights yesterday. And I cried again. Hay. Good thing my sisters didn't notice. Or chose not to. My brother said, learn to appreciate people, while not having the need to acquire them. And with those words, the squeezing in my heart lifted. I didn't need to shut off anymore.

Lord,  I'm beginning to feel a light in my heart. It is still eclipsed by dark clouds every now and then. But I no longer feel despair and fear. Thank You for that. I want to write agin, Lord. This time, for Your glory. But I think I may be over thinking this. The last time I tried to make a Christian game, it didn't work. You've taught me before that it's not the content of the work that mainly has to be Christian for it to be a work for You, but rather, the heart and integrity that were there when it was being created. Those were more of a testimony than just making a Jesus-related work. Because the work is fiction but the integrity is real. But I have an idea, Lord. And it teaches about spirits and love. But I'm so frustrated that I couldn't make a decent story for it.

My sister says it's overthought and underfelt. And I think she's right. My brother tells me it is expected because I haven't been reading and watching as much now as I had been at the peak of my story-creating. But You broke my heart, Lord, and with it all my old desires. It's so hard to find a piece of work that moves me now.

Lord, my siblings are correct. I need input again before I can have any decent output. I don't need to rush this spirits story. I first need to read again before I can write again. I'm going to church now. Then after that, I'm passing by the bookstore. Give me a story, Lord. If You really want me to create again, and I fervently pray You do, give me the stories You want me to read, to influence the stories You want me to write.

All this I lift up to You. This I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen.