Mud and the Blind

John 9:1-7 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” After saying this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes. “Go,” he told him, “wash in the Pool of Siloam” this word means “Sent”. So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.

I listened to a podcast by Pastor Steven Furtick about God's method and madness. It was funny and insightful. He was talking about how we usually expect something glorious and magical from God when we ask for His help. But many times, he'll make mud from His saliva and put that on our eyes. Very anti-climactic and roundabout, if you think about it. But God's ways are higher than our ways. His thoughts are different from our thoughts. But after all the things that happen, and we follow what He tells us to do (go wash your eyes in the river), we see.

They say to be careful what you pray for. The Lord listens. Two years ago, I prayed for love. True love. And instead of magically making me more loving towards people, my God made me fall in love, then allowed my heart to be broken. Then put me at a crossroad where I had to choose if I was going to love or not. He showed me what true love is. Not mush. Not "I love you"s. Not the warmth you see in a person's eyes. Those are manifestations of being in love. But true love is forgiveness. True love is the decision to not hate. To let go, and when I say let go, that includes the hurt, the bitterness, the anger. It wasn't easy. It took about a year. And I couldn't do it alone. I couldn't even rely on just my friends and family around me. Some of them would listen, but they couldn't give me the strength and power I needed. Only One had the supernatural strength to help me follow through on my decision to choose love.

Then, just as I had gotten over my first love, a new situation popped up. It's a bit more complicated than the previous one. But again, if I choose love, then love is patient, love is kind. It does not delight in evil. It protects. I almost wanted to give up. But "What is your choice, Ria?" a voice asked me. Love protects. Love perseveres. I'm so tired, Lord. I need Your strength once again.

God works in mysterious ways. But one thing I know for sure, I'm really learning about love and the matters of the heart. Is it easy? No. Is it done? No. Do I feel lost and frustrated and disappointed? For sure. But some things I know for sure keeps me going, even if it's hard to see the light at the moment: I prayed for love. My God listens. My God is faithful.

Therefore I will proceed. And to my dear friend, I know you're angry. I know it's painful. I know it's corny to tell you to hold on to our God. But He's saved you before. Ask Him to save you again. Because as much as I want to, I can't save you. And we both know that whatever I do will hurt you. I will persevere. I will do my best. But it's not going to amount to much. Only your Creator can reach down that deep and soothe the hurt in your heart. I can't do it. I pray and wish and hope that we can be good friends again. That I can have your love as a friend. Because right now, I am afraid that since I've rejected that type of affection from you, you would only either give me that type of affection nonetheless, or withhold all affection from me. Forgive me for my actions. Knowing me, I would still probably continue to end up doing things that would hurt you. But just because I spend less time being with you doesn't mean I don't love you. When I'm not in good terms with my sister, I ignore her. But that doesn't mean I've stopped loving her. Know that my action is brought about by panic and confusion. But please know that in my heart, I do love you dearly as a close and treasured friend no matter what.

I entrust you now to the God I serve. May He heal your heart. May He send you soon a nice sensible girl who will love you well. He sometimes uses mud to do His miracles, but you know after everything, the miracle will still happen.

Love

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV)

And we come full circle, Lord. It goes back to love. Forgive me, Lord. I had started giving up again. I had started pulling away because I can't control the situation and I feel helpless and tired. I love my friend, Lord. But I shouldn't be easily angered. I should always persevere. Even if it's frustrating. And I should always hope. And I do hope, Lord, that one day, we'll be friends again. 'Til that day, Lord, I lift him up to You. And I lay myself at Your feet, Lord. In Jesus' Name, help me, my God. If You are teaching me to love, Lord, thank You. But give me clear instructions as to what to do. I am floundering, Lord. I'm doggy-paddling my way around. And I don't even know if where I'm going is right. Lead me, Lord. I need Your instruction. I relinquish my holds, Lord. Here is my friend. Here is Komikasi. I have used them as my anchor long enough. You are my anchor. Teach me what to do, Lord.

He Will Make Straight Your Paths

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5, 6 NIV)

Lord,

I have been taking things into my own hands again. This thing with him, I have been trying to fix on my own, using my own powers. Lord, I'm sorry. Here. I relinquish control. It's not like I was ever in control anyway. I got so tired, Lord. I slept ten hours! But fine, Lord, if You wish to take him away from me and Komikasi, do so. I relinquish my hold.

Do Not Return to Your Vomit

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1 NIV)

Dear Lord,

It was also taught in church last Sunday not to return to one's own vomit. You have set me free, and yet sometimes I find myself wanting to return to the life I had already left behind. There's something comfortable about it. It's not that I'm afraid to leave it, but I don't know what to replace it with.

Lord, today is the first day of work for the year. Bless the day, Lord. Bless my people and all our clients and suppliers. Thank you for the past year. This I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen.

They are New Every Morning

Because of the Lord ’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22, 23 NIV)

This was the same verse that was spoken in church last Sunday. And now it has come up in this morning's devotional, too.The Lord is compassionate. His compassions are new every morning. The Lord is faithful. His compassions will never fail.

Dear Lord,

Happy New Year! You are a loving and compassionate God. I know that in whatever I'm going through, You will be there, and You will save me because You are a kind and loving God who has compassion for His people. Every morning, Your love is renewed. Father, I want to emulate You. Renew my love for the people You have placed around me every morning. Teach me to be compassionate towards Your creations. I am human, and my love and compassion toward people fail all the time. But You are my Heavenly Father. You, I will follow.

Grace

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV)

Lord, I am weak. I have no strength. I am afraid. I feel evil and ignorant. I feel like they don't understand me or my apprehensions. They see no problem. I am freaking out for reasons they cannot understand. "Don't you want to be loved?" I don't know what to do. I don't even know what exactly to pray for. I don't have any explanation for my fears. But I am afraid of loss. I am afraid of my inadequacies and how it destroys and hurts even if that is not my intention. Because he's the last person person I'd like to hurt.

I am weak, Lord. I am helpless. I have no power to do anything. Because whatever I do will hurt him. I am sad and alone, he is hurt. I am happy and with someone, he is hurt. I hide that I've gone out with someone, he is hurt. I let him know things, he is hurt. I hide things from him, he is hurt. I treat him as a comrade, he is hurt. I ignore him, he is hurt. I get close to him, he is hurt. Lord, he is a good man, undeserving of this torment that he is in. His courage has to be rewarded, not punished. But I can do nothing because he's in turmoil because of me! Evil, ignorant, unkind me.

Be kind to him, Lord. Heal his broken heart. Take him into Your arms and tell him it will be okay. Tell him You will reward his courage. Tell him he need not encase his heart in ice. Tell him he need not wear that armor of pain. Tell him that everything will be fine. Tell him that he is loved, because he doesn't hear me. Give him a kind sensible woman, Lord. One who would appreciate his gifts and take very good care of his heart.

And Lord, give me Your grace. For again, I feel lost and adrift with my bruised and battered heart. Dark. Cold. Unbeating.

How God Answers Whining

The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord , for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord , but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.” The Lord said to him, “Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram. Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet. Jehu will put to death any who escape the sword of Hazael, and Elisha will put to death any who escape the sword of Jehu. Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.” (1 Kings 19:11, 13-18 NIV)

Sometimes, especially when we're whining, God will make us do things first. Then after the instructions have been followed, that is when you see the big picture.