Utter Darkness

Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness, prisoners suffering in iron chains, because they rebelled against God’s commands and despised the plans of the Most High. So he subjected them to bitter labor; they stumbled, and there was no one to help. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron. (Psalm 107:10-16 NIV)

Fly

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. (Psalm 91:4 NIV)

Open Your Eyes

Lord, so that's what You meant by "Open your eyes." My eyes were closed. I didn't go out and have a relationship with people. I merely saw them as a collection of attributes. I saw them as brands, benefits, what they can do for my company. I didn't see them as people, precious creations of Yours. Forgive me. I gave little value to what You have created. I'm sorry. But thank You for opening my eyes. For giving me this revelation, this realization. You have cut my chains, Lord.

Flight

I wanted to fly so badly. But I looked and saw that my mother was chained. She could try to fly, but there was nowhere to escape to. And at this point, I don't think she has any strength or will to fly. I wanted to touch her, but knew it would not give her comfort. I wanted to speak words that would lift her, but my words have no power. The only thing I knew would set her free was if I purchased the chain cutter that was strong enough to cut the chains. But I don't have enough money. My Lord, my Savior, O Wise and Holy One, what must be done?

When we are persecuted, we endure it

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8, 9 NIV)

I was angry. So angry. I was frustrated, even with my God, because I couldn't understand what He wanted from me, why He would put me through this over and over. I felt stagnant and stuck. I wanted to break free but I didn't know how. I wanted to expand my circles but I felt stuck with the cares of work.

But then I realized something. If, indeed, I had acknowledged Christ as Lord, then I follow Him wherever He wants to take me. If your King takes you to battle, you follow. If He takes you to the swamps to go hunting, you follow. If He takes you to the edge of a cliff over and over and over, you follow anyway because He's your King. And you have pledged allegiance to your King. You have given your oath to follow him. So follow him, you should.

The most difficult things to follow are His instructions to not worry. Agh. This is a humility issue. It's so hard, but, O God, give me the strength.

We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; (1 Corinthians 4:12 NIV)

Breaking Free

Lord, the darkness is taking me again. I know that even if I dislike admitting it, I'm human and I falter. But I'm unforgiving. And I'm most unforgiving to myself. I've set such a high standard on myself that when I fail, it's so hard to forgive myself. And since I feel bad about myself, I bite people's heads off. You know, I'm thinking the reason why I don't want to see my ex again is not because I'm still hurt. I'm not even in pain anymore. I haven't been in a long time. No, it's because I don't want to be reminded of my failure. I hate failing.

I feel stuck. I want to get out. I want to break free. I wish I could go away for a while. Live abroad, travel the world for a year or so. But You, Lord, said no. I think that's to make me strong. But I don't want to have to be strong all the time. I want someone to take care of me every now and then. A friend asked what kind of guy I wanted. I couldn't answer properly then. But I said I wanted someone who would take care of me. When I say take care, I mean financially, and also that he would protect me from having to face certain things myself. I want him to take charge and protect me emotionally, too. But I'm tired, Lord. So tired. I wish someone would comfort me. But everyone seems to see me as this strong woman who needs no comforting. I want to be taken care of for a change. I want to not be the one who has to solve the problem for a change. The fact that I don't know what to do to "get out there" frustrates me. I want to break free but I don't know how.

Lord, I am stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it. Help me, Lord, I implore You. Give me the full life You have promised. Change my mind and my heart. Open my eyes and my ears. Break this glass box I'm in and help me break free, Lord! Help me, help me, help me, Dear Father! Help me break free!

Plea

My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word. (Psalm 119:28 NIV)