Ungrateful

Dear Lord,

You are a good God. I have seen Your goodness in the land of the living. I called to You and You helped me. You plucked my feet out from the traps that bound me. I was overtaken by my financial problems, but You, Lord, gave me rest. I called to You in my distress. I didn't know how to get out of the pit. No one wanted me for the price I needed, and I called to You for help. And You gave me this job, which paid for how much I needed to pay for my financial obligations. And it is a job with two functions. You know me so well that You know that a double-functioned job is needed to keep me from getting too bored. You have thought of that, too.

It would take me two years to pay for my debts. You are giving me two years of respite. But what does my selfish heart do? I have been ungrateful. Instead of accepting the rest You have given me, I go and find other projects to help me feel significant. I did not trust in the value You have given me. Instead of thanking You, praising You, and enjoying the two years You have given me, I complain, I struggle. I sought to find a way to break free. I made a deal with an organization without consulting You. And they said yes, for I know that You have given me the ability to make them say yes. But is this even Your will? Deep in my heart, I know it isn't because it goes against what You have given me. Taking this on will cost more money. Taking this on will deprive me of rest. But also, taking this on at this time, I know that the motives of my heart isn't pleasing to you. It's not because I want to help, or I think it will glorify You. It's because I'm afraid of insignificance.

Instead of rejoicing that Andro is nearby and this is a good opportunity to strengthen our friendship, I look at what I have lost. That I'm so far away from my friends, that I'm so far away from my sisters and parents, that I miss my organization. But if I'm to look at it with the eyes of a grateful person, I would see that this is a great opportunity to build new friendships, an opportunity to lose weight, to contemplate, to exercise. I keep on focusing on what I lack and what I have lost instead of what I have and what opportunity there are.

Lord! Forgive me my ungratefulness. Here is what I want to do, for your glory, O Lord: I will live in Ortigas, in Pearl, really live here. I will develop good eating habits and exercise regularly. I will make friends here. I will root here for two years. I will find a way to increase my energy so I can function properly. I will wake up at 6:00 and sleep at 10:00. I'll take an hour for quiet time. I will exercise 3x a week. I will meet up with a friend once a week. I will enjoy myself in this area.

Then I will excel at this work I'm in. I will train my supervisor so he can be a good employee and support me properly. As for the coders, I need to make them feel supported and believed in. I need to up our quality. I will stop complaining and only talk of good things. I don't need to take over all the aspects of the company, but only do my very best in the position I have been given. I need to stop trying to build new businesses for now. I need to step back and not be the boss, and not be afraid of insignificance because my value is fixed in You, in that I am Yours.

As an on the side, I will help Andro with his project. I will train in game design, and I need to read a lot again. That's it. I just need to train. And slowly plan how I'll do my games when I come back in two years. No implementation. Just training and planning.

But here's my problem, Lord. I've just set something into motion again. And I'm flying to Japan again at the end of the month to work on it. Lord, what to do? In my disobedience, I have caused this. But You are a God who makes the biggest miracles out of our worst mistakes. Father, I lay this at your feet. It excites me, but for the wrong reasons. So I lay it at your feet. I have started it so I will go and continue it as best as I could. But I turn away from my selfishness now and turn to You. Kill it if You will. Or prosper it as You will. But take me back into Your favor and forgive me my ungratefulness. I know You can salvage this. Therefore, I lay it down at your feet. Make it happen or make it not. But be my God no matter what. Take me back and let me dwell in Your will.

O Lord, be with me. You promised to perfect that which concerns me so, please, take me back, O Lord, and take over. Amen.