2011: God, Dreams and Broken Hearts

Silver. That's how I'd describe 2011. Don't ask me how it became silver, but when we talk about 2011, the color silver comes to mind. And 2012 is gold.

2011 was a very eventful year for me. For Komikasi, it was a very good year. We got to be part of Game Connection this year. We got two big clients this year. And they've employed our services for several projects already. We got to be part of two more organizations or groups. And the company is really starting to make a name for itself. This wouldn't have been possible if not for my very able and persistent team. So, team, thank you, and let's make 2012 even better! And this definitely wouldn't have happened if it weren't for God. Lord, my team can attest to the many times you've saved us. And I can attest to Your hair-raising timing. Imagine, my client hadn't been paying for months. Then, just when I really needed the money, they pay the whole bulk of it! And our latest client, Lord. You prompted me to just send them an email eleven months after I had presented to them. Cold call. Asking if they had something I could bid on. And they had me come in the very next day for a briefing! And we got the project! And we're still getting more!

I know my God has plans for Komikasi. And so I will take care of this little empire He has put in my care. The plan is not much different from when it started. It's still to change the world. The only thing that changed is for whom I do it.

On the personal side of my life, this year has been a roller-coaster ride. I fell in love. Got my heart broken. Went back to God. Met new people. Got myself too busy, it wasn't funny anymore. Tried to run away from all the emotions. Got reprimanded by my Heavenly Father several times through the Good Book and through people around me. Realized I was becoming what had hurt me. Went back to God again. And now, I'm a work in progress. If any of my posts hold any hurt, fear or bitterness in them, you have permission to tell me off. In fact, I implore you to tell me off. As my friend, help me not to become that which I am fighting so hard not to become. I choose to love. It's not easy when you've been hurt. Hurt people hurt people. But I have made my choice. It's so easy to say it, but it's not very easy to implement. But with your help, and with your prayers, and with my Almighty God, who is the God of Love, I know it can be done. And the next time I love a man, it will be without fear. Love is a celebration. Let's keep it that way.

Man, there were so many lessons I learned this year. Not just from my direct experiences, but from the experiences of the people I met. Most of my lessons this year were heart lessons. I learned that irritability usually comes from one's disappointment with oneself. And when we hurt people, it's usually because we ourselves are hurt. And we usually hurt the people who are closest to us. And when we hurt them, they don't usually deserve it. That's why I'm so sorry, team, friends and family! I didn't mean to take it out on you. Forgive me!

This year, I thought what I knew about love was proven to be false. But later, I realized it wasn't being proven false, it was being tested to show me a higher form of it. It's true form.

This year, I saw some of my dreams turn to dust. But realized that it didn't matter. What do you do when your dreams turn to dust? (You vacuum.) You pick yourself up, and continue. You'll be given a new dream. Or God will revive the old dream. Or, in my case, He'll tell you to stay, stick to it and continue what you're doing anyway, even when the feeling is not there anymore. It's just a feeling, and the heart is a treacherous thing.

This year, I heard the stories of people. These were real stories with real emotions. I got to meet broken characters and triumphant characters. I heard of tragedies. I heard of miracles. I heard of answered prayers. Maybe even became part of some of their stories. I know they've become part of mine.

This year, I learned to be human.

And one of the most important things I learned this year is this: courage. Courage to face what's coming. Courage to conquer the hurts. Courage to let go and forgive. Courage to bless the people who hurt you and wish them the best. Courage to trust God, and have the faith that He knows what He's doing even if it doesn't seem to make sense. Because God is also a storyteller. And the best twists come when you don't see it coming.

2011 was a crash course in relationships and character for me. The breakup was not a failure in the lesson, but rather the start of the test. And it was a difficult test. But I think I'm getting the lessons. Also, 2011 was a year of setting up. I've seen my God's hand in all this. Komikasi couldn't be where we are now if we didn't get help. That plus the fact that He seems to keep telling me to stay where I am. I don't know what the future holds, but I have a feeling 2012 will be a great year for me and Komikasi.

Oh, and if any of you see my first love, let him know I don't hate him. I don't see him anymore. But I still pray for him, for God to bless and keep him, for God to help him find what he's looking for, and for God to shine a light and chase away the darkness I saw in his eyes the last time I saw him. Let him know that I am sorry for any hurt I had caused him. And tell him to cheer up. Whatever storm he goes through, tell him to just pray and hang on. He'll get through it. It can't rain forever. One day, we'd look back on all this and laugh about how silly we were breaking each other's hearts like that. And we would be friends, just as he had once hoped.

An Experiment

My Lord,

There is a training experiment I'd like to try. You see, I'd like to be the right girl. I'd like to learn to smile and converse. And I'd like to learn to speak only diamonds and roses. I'd like to teach myself not to scowl, or complain. I'd like to train myself to speak only of encouragement and truth. What I'd like to do is find someone I can meet with once a week. And when we meet, we'll just talk. And during that period, I will do what I said I'd like to learn to do. For that hour or so, I will smile, and not complain. I will speak only diamonds and roses. I will speak only encouragement and truth. Will you help me find that person, Lord? That person who would help me try out this experiment?

Love Letter #7

Dearest God,

You are my Lord, my savior, and my stronghold. You are my hiding place, my protector, and my light. You, my Lord, are my loving heavenly Father. You take care of me. And You love me. Thank You. Tomorrow, we celebrate the human birth of Your Son, who You didn't withhold from us. And if even Jesus You didn't hold back from us, then what else could You possibly not give us. You are a generous God. And patient, and faithful, and forgiving. See, Lord, I am but a sinner. You give me ways out, but I seldom ever take it. I have failed You miserably, but You still love me. Your Son still died for me. You still saved me. Lord, I ask for forgiveness. And I ask for Your guidance. I want to be pleasing to You. And may I always be, Lord,

Yours truly,

Your raven

My Ideal Man

I was chatting with a friend yesterday. And he asked me why I was still single. And I told him it was because I haven't found the right man yet. And so he asked me what my ideal man was. And it made me realize that my ideal man seemed to be a dying breed.

Well, of course, there are the basics. God-fearing man. Financially capable of supporting me and our would-be family. Would never raise a hand against women. Not into drugs or excessive alcohol. A one-woman man. Single. Any of these items is false and he's out of the running.

Then there are secondary musts and preferences. He has to be reliable. He has to be close to his family. Loving. Stable. I prefer an intellectual. A man who loves to travel. Loves to read. A true gentleman.

Then over the years, more were added. I love big families so, I prefer a man from a big clan. I need him to like children because I want some of my own some day. I'd like someone who could surprise me. Someone with a positive outlook on life.

I found that I loved words. And so I liked men who were eloquent, who were witty, and who were confident with their words. I also learned that I have a soft spot for flirts. No, not playboys. I despise guys who play with hearts, and I don't like little boys (and this has nothing to do with age). But men who are not afraid of giving you compliments, who are confident in the way they approach you, and who would do things to make you feel a little more special than the rest. Confidence is really attractive to me. I love it when men carry themselves well. I love it when they're sure of what they want. I love it when they're passionate about something. And I love it when they relentlessly pursue it.

Then I fell in love, and, other than the basics, the whole list just went out the window. Then my heart got broken, and I learned about what I really wanted and needed in a man.

I need them to be courageous. I need them to be persistent. I need them not to give up so easily because life will put you through things and I need someone who would be there with me to go through all the storms. I need a man who is happy. I need a man who has a positive outlook in life, who would be confident that together, we could take on anything. And with God, we would never fail. I need a man who would really love me, and not just "kinda like" me. Decisive. Knows what he wants. Generous, not just in resources, but also in time and words. That is the man I'm looking for.

I find myself lamenting the lack of men like these. I have a lot of male friends and acquaintances. And the statuses some of them post on their Facebook walls just sadden me. They are afraid. Their posts go like, "Don't expect promises to be kept. You'll only be disappointed." or "Don't care about her too much, you'll just end up hurt." My first guy even went as far as telling me, "Let's not celebrate monthly anniversaries. One of these days, one of us will just end up disappointing the other." Why are they so afraid? Granted, they've been hurt. But they are men! No, I'm not trying to put you down. On the contrary, I believe in your inherent strength. I apologize for what the womenfolk have done to some of you. Some of us truly are unfeeling. And some of us are really mean and immature. But some of us are probably just so in love with you and we don't know how to handle it. Whatever we put you through, I apologize profusely. But please, for your sake and the sake of the right woman for you, don't let the experience destroy you. Don't let the hurt consume you. Don't let bitterness take hold of your heart. Do not give up so easily. And don't let the pain make you afraid.

Ah, God! Show me that there are brave men in my generation still. My heart bleeds for the loss. Lord, You know clearly how much this grieves me.

Love Letter #6

Dear Lord,

Thank you for today, for the opportunity to bond with my new friends. There were obstacles this morning regarding our trip, but I know You have Your reasons. It may be so that we can spend time with each other. It may be to teach us temperance. Whatever Your reasons, Lord, thank You. I will accept the gift of Your given circumstance. Lord, I've been reading a lot about faith. I want to have faith. Help me overcome my unbelief. I know You do everything for a reason. And I submit myself to You and Your will. I love You, Lord. I want to love the way You love. Teach me. Lead me. May I live the way You wish me to live. Change my heart that I may see the way You wish me to see.

Yours always,

Your raven

Disappointments

Lord, help me. My client, who was supposed to pay today, did not pay. I needed that payment for my people's salaries and 13th month pay. And now, I have to borrow money again. Thank you that my father will lend me. But it just makes me so angry that we worked so hard to meet the deadline the client asked of us. We worked so hard to provide them with excellence. And their reason for not paying us today is, they forgot! We called them up earlier this week to remind them. But it seems like they don't even care. It's like we give them excellence, but they don't do their job properly to process our payments. It makes me so angry, Lord. No, we weren't mean to them. Vengeance is Yours, Lord. But I'm just so angry. Why is it like this? Both for relationships and business. You give them your all, but they don't. They take you for granted. But you have no choice because you either love the guy or you need the account.

Calm my heart, Lord. Take away the feeling of disappointment and remind me that this is Your countship I am running, and not my own.

Strange Schools

I'm passionate about schools and learning. In fact, I've got several schools I'd like put up in the near future. But recently, I've come across some really strange schools. Some of them come off as offensive at first, but then if you think about it, some of them are actually practical. I do not endorse any of the schools. I'm just listing them down as something interesting to take note of. So, here they are. Enjoy.

1. Fu Kang Beauty and Hairdressing School
Ah, yes, but it only looks like an ordinary beauty school. What makes Fu Kang so different from the rest is that it runs its courses like a military school. Caught daydreaming in class? Drop and give me fifty push-ups! It may seem harsh, but I actually approve of it. Just because they're a beauty school doesn't mean they're just a beauty school. Like any profession, discipline helps make one excellent.

2. Beijing Moral Education Center for Women
This school claims to be able to teach their students how to snag a billionaire. I think it's basically a finishing school. And they claim that, in the past few months, they were able to successfully marry off around thirty of their graduates. At first glance, my reaction would be, "eh?" but if you think about it, these women have a goal. Why shouldn't they study for it? So, yey, Billionaire School.

3. The Austrian International School of Sex
Now, I have a lot of questions about this school. Alright, I'm not totally against the concept of learning to please one's spouse, but not in front of an audience! Are you supposed to do it in front of all your classmates? Or at the very least, does your teacher have to watch so she can give you a grade? And what about class exercises? Certainly gives a whole new meaning to, "class, find a partner for this exercise." Does this mean you have to have your "practical tests" with different people?

The idea of the school tickles my brain to some extent. And the fact that classes are to be held in an 18th Century Mansion adds to the appeal. But the thought of having to be viewed while you're being intimate with someone and the possibility of having to partner up with different people are not things I look forward to.

My 2012 Goals

My current Life Goal: To create literature that aims to re-shape a mindset of current and future generations into one that would help them be men and women of strong character and integrity, of persistence and patience, of responsibility and power, of passion and compassion, and of love and peace; who are secure in their identity as children of the Most High, honoring their parents, respecting the women, and taking care of the hearts of people who life brings across their path.

My 2012 Goals:
PERSON

To be more compassionate this year. To be a delight to my God, a respectful daughter, a sister worthy to be followed, a kind and compassionate friend, a good testimony, an awesome boss, a wise and responsible creator, thankful, passionate, beautiful, healthy, and loving.

WORK

To expand the company to a 12-member production team by the end of the year. To do the Starstruck Launch Party in the first quarter. To train my current team into S-class creators. To promote the company so that by the end of the year, people will know who we are.
To resuscitate Talecraft and maybe bring it into the digital arena. To hold four writers’ workshops this year, and celebrate Reading month and National Novel Writing Month.
To finish the Dreams Game before the end of the first quarter, rest for a few months, then go ahead and start two new ones with the old team and a new team before the year ends.

CREATIVE

To finish writing the first book in a series of young adult books targeted towards boys 9-12 years of age.
To go back to reading and writing romance.

TRAVEL

To go to Chicago for the RT Booklovers Convention in April.
To attend SIGGRAPH Asia in Singapore in December.
To travel abroad on Kingdom work.
To travel to a place by myself, take a solo vacation, and thoroughly enjoy myself.

STUDY

To take up my MBA this year.
To take up a class and study something completely new.
To learn to drive.
To learn to swim.
To learn to cook.

My 2012 Goals

My current Life Goal: To create literature that aims to re-shape a mindset of current and future generations into one that would help them be men and women of strong character and integrity, of persistence and patience, of responsibility and power, of passion and compassion, and of love and peace; who are secure in their identity as children of the Most High, honoring their parents, respecting the women, and taking care of the hearts of people who life brings across their path.

My 2012 Goals:
PERSON

To be more compassionate this year. To be a delight to my God, a respectful daughter, a sister worthy to be followed, a kind and compassionate friend, a good testimony, an awesome boss, a wise and responsible creator, thankful, passionate, beautiful, healthy, and loving.

WORK

To expand the company to a 12-member production team by the end of the year. To do the Starstruck Launch Party in the first quarter. To train my current team into S-class creators. To promote the company so that by the end of the year, people will know who we are.
To resuscitate Talecraft and maybe bring it into the digital arena. To hold four writers’ workshops this year, and celebrate Reading month and National Novel Writing Month.
To finish the Dreams Game before the end of the first quarter, rest for a few months, then go ahead and start two new ones with the old team and a new team before the year ends.

CREATIVE

To finish writing the first book in a series of young adult books targeted towards boys 9-12 years of age.
To go back to reading and writing romance.

TRAVEL

To go to Chicago for the RT Booklovers Convention in April.
To attend SIGGRAPH Asia in Singapore in December.
To travel abroad on Kingdom work.
To travel to a place by myself, take a solo vacation, and thoroughly enjoy myself.

STUDY

To take up my MBA this year.
To take up a class and study something completely new.
To learn to drive.
To learn to swim.
To learn to cook.

To Be List

I want to be:

• A delight to my God
• A respectful daughter
• A sister worthy to be followed
• A kind and compassionate friend
• A good testimony
• A great boss
• A wonderful wife
• An awesome mother
• A wise and responsible creator working for the Kingdom
• Fine
• Beautiful
• Healthy
• Loving

Lord, when I have an annoying, depressing, or angry thought, I'll give it to You. Please give me a good and happy thought in exchange.

Love Letter #5

Dearest God,

Here is my heart. I give it to You, to do with as you deem fit. Here is everything that I am. I offer to You. Lord, I want to live my life in love. I want to live my life in Your light. I don't want the darkness anymore. I don't want the cold anymore. I want to be in Your presence, in Your light, doing things that please You. Lord, I want to be a delight to You. I want You to be happy with me. I want to do things that please You. But I am but a human, and I falter and fall very quickly. But know my intentions, Lord. I really want to live the way You want me to live.

Teach me. Everyday, I need You. Everyday, I want to hear You. Everyday, I'm excited with what You might do, what You might show me. And I pray, Lord, to see Your glory. More, Lord! I delight in You! I delight in seeing Your works. I delight in this life You have given me. It's just that sometimes, dark spirits empower me, and suck the joy out of me. The enemy now has ammunition against me. But You, my God, are a powerful God. More powerful than any spirit. More powerful than any demon. More powerful than my fears and hurts and pain. You are a God of adventure and wonder! I believe You when You say that Your plans for me are for good and not for evil, for You are my Heavenly Father. You love me! And You sent Jesus, Your one and only son, to die for my sins. MY sins. Not for an unknown mass of people. MINE. For You know me by name. You know who I truly am. You knew me even when I was within my mother's womb. You know ME. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are beautiful, I know that full well. And that knowledge warms me.

So, let me be Yours, my God. Teach me to live a life that is worthy of being called a follower of Your Son. Teach me to live in love, in gratitude, in peace.


I am truly Yours,

Your raven

Rouse Me

My God, my King!

I call to You from the dead state of indifference I am in. Rouse me, Lord! Give me life once more.

Healer of the Sick

My God, my God,

I have heard again of how You have healed the sick. My friend, Hannah, had slip disc, and You healed her. As in, she doesn't need surgery anymore. As in the hump is gone. Lord! I hear of Your glory from the people around me. Let me in, Lord. I knock at Your door. Include me, Lord. I want to have first row seats to see and be awed at the wonderful and miraculous things You do! Macky and the rest have no doubt that You would heal her. They fully believe that You would do the impossible. My King, forgive my doubting heart. But I don't want it anymore. I don't want to doubt anymore. I want to be free! I want a heart that is fully and completely devoted to You. Trusting You with all my heart. KNOWING that you would make everything fine. No, better than just fine. You would make everything great.

Love Letter #4

Dearest Heavenly Father,

I thank you for the opportunities You sent me. That's two new projects we're bidding on! If it's alright, Father, can we have them? I would also like to thank You for the new friends You gave me. I was at the place of one of them. Ah, they're such wonderful people, Lord. Happy. Fun to be with. Secure in their faith in You. Lord, I want to have that kind of faith. The type that can heal slip discs. Ah! There are so many wonders that I'm only beginning to see now that I follow You. But they're all stories. They're all experiences of others. Won't I get a chance to experience Your wonder, too? I would like to, Lord. I want to see Your glory! Especially in my love story. I want to have faith enough to wholeheartedly believe that You are indeed going to give me a love story that would glorify Your name. A love story that is worthy to be told. One whose events will be so orchestrated by You, others would think how supernatural it is. And they would pray to You in awe. And they would see us, happy and fiercely faithful to each other. And they would praise You.

I remain completely Yours,

Your raven

Love Letter #3

My Dear Lord,

My deliverer, my stronghold, my hiding place. To You do I place my trust. You, Lord, are a wonderful God. And I know You are working something in my life. I don't know what it is. But I see something happening. I don't understand and I get frustrated easily, but You are a faithful God. And You will finish the work that You started in me. Lord, my heart calls to You. For You, my heart sings. For You are my Savior. You saved me when I saw no point to anything. You gave me purpose when I felt useless. The countship I run, I see Your hand in it. I know that we wouldn't still be standing in our second year now had it not been for You. The projects come in at such a timely flow that I know for a fact that You're behind that timing. Even my people know. My building up the countship was a leap of faith, and You, my God, are faithful. Lord, I know You have a plan for the countship. I don't know what it is yet, but You've taken good care of us since we started. And last time I was at Prayer Mountain, You told me to stay where I was. You have plans for the countship. That much I see. And I will take care of it so that it will be in a position of overflow once You require it for Your purposes.

My Lord, thank You. I just want You to know that I am grateful for all the blessings. And I am thankful that I am part of Your plans. May I live in love. May I be a blessing to others. And may I always delight You.


I remain sincerely Yours,

Your raven

Not-So-Far-Off Dreams

There are things I'd like to be able to do someday.

One is to do my Academie for women empowerment. It teaches the concept of beauty. Not the skimpy collagen-infused media-defined idea of beauty. But true beauty, rooted in a gentle and quiet spirit. In my opinion, though, beauty does not also mean just beautiful on the inside, but drab on the outside. My Mother always told me that if you're beautiful, you've already won half the battle. I've proven that to be true in a lot of cases. You tend to be made more comfortable when you're all dolled up. But aside from that, if you look at the things around us, you'll see that God is a God who likes beauty. Look at the flowers. Look at the sea against the sky. Look at the seasons. They are beautiful. I don't think a God who would make those would design the fairer sex to be drab. So the Academie's aim is really to help women be the beautiful person that is in them, be confident, and really grow beautifully where she is planted.

Second school I'd like to make is the School of Manliness (tentative name). Now, this is for younger learners. If the Academie is aimed at young professional women, the School is aimed at young boys 9-12 years of age. The purpose for the school is to try to teach these boys to be men. I have a lot of guy friends. And it pains me that they think a "fun and fulfilling" life involves drugs, playing with hearts, and sleeping around. Some of them experienced this when they were teenagers. And the others who hadn't think they were deprived! Not a lot of people would agree with me on this, but I think adolescence is an excuse for teenagers to be angsty and obnoxious, and to prolong their childhood. At thirteen, they should be men. Not the media's definition of men. Not players, not heart-breakers. It's not all about the money and the abs and the sex and the amount of women you can collect. But the Bible's definition of men: persistent, with integrity, respectful, and unselfish.

A third project I'd like to do is Pinoy Aksyon Komiks. I'm not sure if that name has been taken already. But it's still in line with what I want to do through the School of Manliness. Also, it's part of my solution to poverty. Poverty, to me, is not the lack of resources, but rather, a mindset. And to try to reduce poverty in the country would be to try to change the mindset of the people, particularly the men. And the best way to influence them is through literature. Television is definitely their media of choice. But next to that would be comics. And so, I'd like to create a line of weekly comics that will be distributed like the old komiks were. They will be cheap, easily accessible, and appealing to them. The aim of the comics would be to entice the boys to dream of something bigger, and to instill in them what a "tunay na lalake" ought to be.

Fourth one is love stories on the phone. MMS Inspirational Romance Stories. This will be aimed at women, and will exploit the MMS capability of the older phones. Aim is C-D bracket. And this will aim to present to women the type of guys they should be aspiring to find, and how they should turn to God, and not just go with whoever shows interest in them. This aims to teach them to value themselves and aim for something higher than their circumstance.

Another thing I'd like to do is produce a TV series. The aim of this is to create a Sci-Fi or Fantasy series for and by the the Filipino geeks! This is aimed towards the more intellectual group. All the actors and actresses in this project are Christ-followers, people who are strong in their faith, and have integrity. A secondary objective for this is to get the general public to admire people with integrity.

Tithing Encouragement

My King,

My pastor, a man I admire, talked today. He talked about tithing, and the heart of it. Lord, I haven't been giving You Your due. The 10% of everything is Yours, Lord. The firstfruits are Yours, my King. I gave 10% of my finances today. But the one thing I know I have not been generous with are my words. The one thing that actually means a lot to a lot of people around me, my smile and encouragement, I withhold as punishment. Lord, You asked for everything. Everything. Not just my money. You ask for time, for words, for smiles, for praises, for encouragement. And over money, being generous with these other things are actually even more beneficial and sought for by the people around me.

Lord, forgive me. I want to give more encouraging words. It's so hard, Lord. But I want to give it. I want to do this for You, Lord. Change my heart, Lord. Take my heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh. Fill me with a new spirit. And teach me to do Your will.

Love Letter #2

My Dearest King,

Who would have thought he would serve you, too. No, not a new crush or anything like that. But an old friend. And it turns out he serves you, too. I find that wonderful, Lord. I find it wonderful that You are giving me more friends who serve You. Thank You, dear King. Thank you, my Lord.

I just got back from the convention. And it reminded me that You have given me so many friends. Forgive me for being ungrateful in the past. Today, I just want to say, thank You, Lord. You love me even though I keep disappointing You. Thank You, Lord.


I remain sincerely Yours,

Your raven

Conversations

Heart: Did you see what Micah posted, about taking care of me? You never really take care of me, do you?
Raven: What are you talking about? I protected you for thirty years.
Heart: I'd like to question the wisdom of that.
Raven: Too late. It doesn't matter now. No matter how hard I protected you, you're broken now.
Heart: And after I broke, you just left me. Like you wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
Raven: ... I'm sorry. It was too painful. Nobody hurt you like that before.
Heart: Nobody loved me like that, either.
Raven: If I had known the price for that love was double that in heartache--
Heart: You would have protected me another thirty years?
Raven: ... I just... didn't know how to deal with it.
Heart: Until when are you going to keep ignoring me?
Raven: I thought I'd let you heal first. I thought I won't move you much until you're well.
Heart: I can function even if I'm broken, you know. Besides, you need me.
Raven: No, I don't.
Heart: Yes, you do.
Raven: You're too noisy. And whiny. Brain already talked to you. Tried reasoning with you. And Brain's arguments made sense, you know.

Love Letter #1

My Dearest King, my Beloved Heavenly Father, my One and Only God, I love You.

Today was a wonderful day. It started out not so good, but You spoke to me. The Destroyer tried to stop Your messages from coming. But I had an inkling You had something for me, so I sought it and found it. And in the message, You were a little displeased with me. I could sense the frustration in the words of Your letter. I am sorry. You are always faithful to me. And here I am doubting You. Doubting that You would be there for me. Questioning Your motives and Your character, when in the past, You have shown me that You want nothing else but my good. I am sorry, my Lord. I must have hurt You. Please forgive me.

Ah, but You truly do love me, despite my mean ways. I got the Coffee Project You sent. Thank You. It couldn't have come at a better time. At first, I was worried that the countship You have entrusted me might not have enough income, or might have too much work. But You made sure we could handle the load, and You made sure we didn't starve. So thank You for showing up. And thank You for introducing me to McCann. You are the greatest!

Oh, and I also want to thank You for the Kitchen Project. They sent us payment already. Thank You, my King.

You truly are a faithful God. Oh, how I love Your love and dedication. May I learn to love like You.


Love,

Your raven

An Issue of Faith

5 By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: “He could not be found, because God had taken him away.” For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

-Hebrews 11:5-6

But, Lord, it's so hard! I don't understand. I don't see the point. I don't see what I'm going through to have any bearing to the coming of Your Kingdom. Why, Lord? I know I'm not supposed to ask, because I have to have faith in You, and trust that all things work together for those who serve You. But it's so hard, Lord. If You don't want him for me, why thrust me back in that place? Why cause me to hope again? I don't hate him, my King. I miss him, and that's why I don't want to see him. I don't understand, Lord. I know I need to have faith, but won't you send me something, anything, to let me know where I'm headed? What am I supposed to feel? I feel lost and angry, Lord.

17 By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had embraced the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, 18 even though God had said to him, “It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.” 19 Abraham reasoned that God could even raise the dead, and so in a manner of speaking he did receive Isaac back from death.

20 By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future.

21 By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph’s sons, and worshiped as he leaned on the top of his staff.

22 By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and gave instructions concerning the burial of his bones.

23 By faith Moses’ parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king’s edict.

24 By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. 25 He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26 He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. 27 By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible. 28 By faith he kept the Passover and the application of blood, so that the destroyer of the firstborn would not touch the firstborn of Israel.

29 By faith the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.

30 By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the army had marched around them for seven days.

31 By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient.

32 And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection.

-Hebrews 11:17-32

"What more shall I say, little raven?"

"I'm sorry, my King. I have such little faith."

"I am not pleased."

"I know that. And I feel bad about it. It's just so hard, Lord. And You even said that there's a possibility that I won't see the fulfillment of the promise. How can my love story glorify You when it's non-existent and I'm dead? If You're referring to this relationship that just ended, how can it glorify You when it's failed. How can it even be called a love story when the love has already died? In his case, anyway, it seems like it's dead."

"Oh, you of little faith. Are you dead?"

"No."

"Are you absolutely sure it's over?"

"No! Why are You making me hope, Lord? I don't even know if I should hope for him back or not. I'm trying not to hope for him back. But it's so hard when he still keeps popping up on Facebook even after I removed him as a friend, and You keep throwing me back to school even after I resigned."

"My thoughts are higher than your thoughts. My ways are different from your ways."

"I know that. In my head, I know that. But the heart is treacherous and uncooperative."

"You asked Me what to do. I'm telling you what to do. Have faith. What more shall I say? What more do you want?"

"..."

"I have not been silent. You know that. I'm just not giving you the answers you want to hear. But I have answered you, many times over. Didn't I tell you that if you believe, you would see My glory? I thought you wanted to see My glory."

"I do, my King."

"Then what are you waiting for? Why are you hesitating? I already told you how."

"It's so hard, Lord."

"It's very simple, little raven. Just believe. Have faith. Trust Me."

"..."

"Let go."

"I'll fall."

"Will you just trust Me?"

"You allowed him to break my heart."

"Since when has pain stopped you? It never did, why is it stopping you now?"

"The pain is different this time. It's unfamiliar. It's too close. It's inside. It can't be shut off. Besides, for dreams, I can wish with all my heart. People have their own wills and fears and selfishness. I'm afraid to hope wholeheartedly."

"You've been disappointed with dreams before. You were never afraid. Why would you fear being disappointed by people? It's no different."

"... Well, if You put it that way..."

"Have faith, raven. I know it feels good to hold on to the anger. It feels good to fight. But in this case, I need you to let go."

"Of him?"

"Of everything. Of the hurt. Of the things you don't understand. Of what is to come. Of control. You need to let go of control. You know what happens to you morally when you hold tight to control."

"Yes." *sulk

"Am I your King?"

"... Yes."

"Am I your King?"

"Yes, Lord!"

"Then do what I say."

"... Yes, Lord."

"What are you to do?"

"Have faith. Let go."

"Good. You owe Me, little raven." *wink "For offending Me. You owe Me love letters."

"Love letters?"

"Yes. 365 of them."

"Yes, my King. I give them wholeheartedly."

"Good."

"... Thank you, my King. Here is my heart again. It is not only broken. It's also a little treacherous. But it's all I have. Will You take it, Lord?"

"Always."

Influence of Good Women

I have thought a sufficient measure of civilization is the influence of good women.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

It has been said that behind every great man is a good woman. We are the support. We are the strength behind. We are the tough half that holds things together even when everything seems on the verge of collapse. But then if we look at stories, we are the cause of wars. Families are destroyed because of us. Man fell because we took a bite of the forbidden.

Literature and history have shown us how powerful women could be. And how dangerous we are without the proper foundations. Take care, woman. You don't know your power.

Fire Seal

I seal you, monster of fire.
Close your mouth and shut your eyes.
I want not whips as my tongue,
Nor flaming knives in my gaze.

Though you seek to devour,
And you seek to consume,
I defy you.
I refuse you.
Be still.

You are a tempting creature,
Who fills me with the feel of power.
As you pour your anger into me,
I feel strengthened in your hate.

But I have decided, monster of fire.
I have chosen to follow the King.
And though I find myself in your jaws at times,
I have made a choice to seal you.

When you possess me, my people suffer.
When I yield to you, my King weeps.
You bring nothing but destruction.
You instill nothing but fear.

So begone, monster of fire.
Close your mouth and shut your eyes.
I want not the dark power you offer,
Nor the bitter strength in your heart.

For my choice is to love.
And my purpose is for peace.
So let the rains fall.
Let the rains fall.
Be still.

Spirit of Darkness

My King, forgive me. The spirit of darkness came over me. Yesterday I disrespected my steward. And he felt really bad. Last night, I couldn't sleep well, thinking of the man who had broken me. And today, I hurt my steward again. My arguments were valid, but the way I said them were not. I used the countess' whip-like tongue and gave my steward a beating. The good thing is, my steward is an honest man, and told me that I had hurt him, that I had disrespected him. I am sorry, my King. This is not how You wanted me to treat the people You have entrusted to me. I have sinned, my King, against You and against my people. Lord, I am sorry. I thought I had defeated the monster of fire. But here I am being devoured by it again. In my story, I am the villain, the repentant traitor. Forgive me, my King. And teach me to love like You.

First Offspring

"The first offspring of every womb belongs to me, including all the firstborn males of your livestock, whether from herd or flock."

-Exodus 34:19

The first offspring of every womb belongs to me... I am my mother's first child. I am Yours, my King. Thank You for assuring me, my Lord and my God. You truly are a God who hears the prayers of Your people, and calms our heart, and gives ease to our mind. And You take care of those who are Yours. Thank you, Lord, for granting us Mr McCann's project. We will give it our all, for we do it, not for anyone else, but for You.

I remain, my King, very truly Yours.

Constant Renewal of the Mind

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

-Romans 12:2

I am reminded of this. I had found myself angry. I had found the countess resurfacing. I must constantly be in the presence of my King. Always within earshot of His words. I do not wish to return to who I was. I want to be forever His.

Broken Hearts

I still have faith in my King. I still believe that He will do something great. But the people around me don't seem to believe. And it annoys me. There are three women I've met recently whose families are broken because the men in their lives left them. The missionary trainer was more than fifty years of age. And just two years ago, her husband, who was also a missionary trainer, left them. He said he was gay, and he's had it with the responsibilities of the missions and the family. This broke my friend's heart. It broke the children's hearts as well. Another woman, younger, was left by her husband for another woman. They have a daughter. But she believes that God will bring them back together. In the eyes of God, they were married, and no person can ever separate what my King had made one. The third was a girl who worked at a winery. She was in turmoil when I saw her. Her man, I wasn't sure if they were married, had just visited from abroad. He spent the day out with his daughter and the girl. And she showed me pictures of the three of them. They looked like such a happy family. Made me want to cry to know that he had left them. And my King had made a promise with this girl. He promised He would make them whole again. But how? She saw a ring on the man's finger. She cried when she got home then. And my heart really went out to her.

I told my manager of this. But to him, these women had to move on. It was over. The men wanted out. And this irked me to no end. He said men were really like this. They did what they did because it felt good. That's it?! That's supposed to excuse them? And it made no bearing to him that the King made a promise to these women?! Ooohh! I was so annoyed. It made me realize how truly different a Christ-follower thought as compared to other people.

And to add to my frustration, I didn't even have anything to prove to him that my King kept promises. What can I possibly show? We were all broken women. Lord, please, show us Your glory. My King, teach me. How can I show them that You are a God who keeps promises? Grant us miracles, Lord.

Putting things in Perspective

One thing I've been guilty of is seeing my problems as bigger than my King. Being in the situation, it's so difficult to remember that it was my God, my Lord who had created everything. Everything. Not just the Earth and all its contents. But also the measurements and the mathematics of it. And if a problem goes my way, it's so hard to remember that, since God created all these elements that make up the problem, then the total sum of those elements are less than the power of Him who created them. It's so logical, and yet my treacherous heart finds it difficult to believe sometimes.

Lord, my King, I still have a problem with payroll. It's 5pm, and still no payment in sight. But I know that it is nothing compared to what You can do. I've seen Your Hand before. You are a great God. If You will it, my Lord, please send me a miracle. Payroll problem, my God is greater than you. My King is rich and generous, and loves a good story. And He may not come early, but He will never be late. He will come on time, to defeat you, and save me and my people. You are a dragon that seeks to devour my joy, to make me anxious and cause me to sin, but my God has spoken. I will not be anxious about anything, for my King will give me peace of mind, and defeat you.

My King, I thank You for always being there for me, for this little raven, this little scavenger who hasn't quite learned all the ropes of running a countship yet. But I thank You for trusting in me to be able to do this. I thank You for being patient with me. I will learn from You, my King, and the dragon of financial imbalance will no longer return to plague me and the people You have entrusted to me.

You, my King, are also bigger than the dragon that devours my heart. I am small. And down here, I cannot see everything that is happening. Out here, I cannot see what is within the hearts of others. But You, my God, are bigger than the dragon that seeks only to make me weep. You, my Lord, are more powerful than the beast that seeks only to break my heart. My heart breaks only because I couldn't trust You. The solution is really quite simple. It is really just to trust You with all my heart. My King, know my desire. I desire to have absolute faith in You. Complete trust in You. There are things that the countess doesn't know. And it bothers her to no end when she doesn't know the answers to those questions. But she is not all-knowing. I am not God.

Hear me, my King. Still my raging heart. I bow down to You. Here is my heart. Take it. I will accept the things I don't know. I will not jump to conclusions. The darkness was attempting to swallow me again. And when the countess surfaces, her tongue is like a whip, hurting the people closest to her. Forgive us, my Lord. This is not what we want to be. My King, please, I haven't wanted anything for a while. If I have found favor in Your eyes, despite my shortcomings and errors, will you give me the fruit of the Spirit? Will You give me love, joy, peace, and complete and absolute faith in You? That is what I ask for, my King.

How I want to please You, my King. I want to be completely and absolutely Yours.

Needs of the Countship

Ah, my King. Know my heart. I want the best for the countship You have entrusted to me. The countess still surfaces every now and then, despite her turning the land over to me. She may have hurt the steward a bit, but not intentionally. Forgive us, Lord.

Dear King, we are in need. Next week, I will need to pay the people. They are good loyal people. They deserve to be paid on time. They deserve a Christmas Ball. They deserve to have ready food in the castle should they go hungry. Lord, I wish to provide them properly. You have entrusted them to me, and I want to take care of them. But Lord, the monies haven't arrived yet. What must I do, my King? Should I just wait? But if we are not paid tomorrow, the cheques will not clear in time for Tuesday. And there is a debt I need to pay on Tuesday, too. Lord, my God, I need Your help. I do not wish to burden my father with my financial problems. I can pay the people and the debt, but only if we are paid tomorrow. Lord, help me, please. Give me wisdom, my King, to know what I must do. Speak to me, my beloved King. Do not keep silent. Do not leave me.

My King, aside from the salaries and the debt, I wish also to give them a Christmas Party. We need to book now, before the food places run out of schedule. And I wish I could give them all gifts, and added benefits. I wish also to upgrade the license of one of our machines. The license is on sale right now, and will greatly benefit our productivity. It would also be nice to hire one more person. But to do that, I need to buy one more machine and license for it. And it costs, Lord. I cannot afford it at the moment. But we are bidding for another project tomorrow. Please grant us the project, my King. We really need the project. And the relation with Mr McCann's firm will really benefit the income and the future of the countship.

As for the Minstrels that are in my party for the Quest You have set before me, help us, my King. We need an artist. A colorist, who would work with us without asking for pay. Our group is weak at coloring. But we are good at music and story and drawing.

My King, You are a God who gives exceeding abundantly above anything I can ever ask or think. I lay before You my needs and desires. Throw not crumbs upon Your servant, but allow me to partake of Your banquet.

I thank You for hearing the cries of Your servant, Lord.

Be glorified, my King.

Faith and Hope

I asked the King if it was alright to hope. I wasn't sure if the email was really from Him, or just me connecting things in my head. And it actually pained me, because I was trying not to hope too much, but at the same time, I couldn't help but hope... and dream... "Give me a sign, Lord" I cried out. "Give me an assurance that You haven't forgotten me."

And here's what He said to me:

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Hebrews 11:1

Have faith, little raven. Have faith.

Dream List

Here are the things I would like to do in my life: (some have come true already)

• To study Computer Science at De La Salle University - done! 1998-2002
• To study Computer Graphics in Japan - done! 2003-2006
• To teach at the College of Saint Benilde - done! 2009-2011
• To teach at De La Salle University - done! 2008-2011
• To put up my own Graphics Company - Komikasi Enterprise - done! 2007
• Later evolved to a Game Company - very good turn of events. 2010
• To attend a SIGGRAPH Convention
• To write a book that would become a best-seller
• To make a romance comic book
• To put up a Game Development and Animation School in Laguna
• To create a division in Komikasi that makes 3D Animated Movies
• To go live in different countries for three months at a time, for two years, while writing, admiring the works of the King, and doing Kingdom work.

The Mission

The year is ending again. And it would be time to evaluate again. I'll be making lists again. And trying to fulfill those again. So, I decided, I might as well start now. Before I make my lists, though, I've decided to start by rewriting my Mission Statement. And here it is:

The Raven's Mission:
To inspire people through stories in different media, while being a delight to my King through the quality and motive of my work.

Quest

Ah. This illness weakens me. But I am on a Quest. My King had given it to me when I was up Prayer Mountain. And I wanted to continue my Quest, and not let sickness stop me. And so I met my party yesterday. And we covered a lot of ground.

Minstrels, most of them were. Singers and Musicians. Wonderful voices with wonderful hearts. I never really played around with music. But these people had. Some of them were more broken than I was. But they were loyal to the King. The King truly is wise, giving me these minstrels as party members. And I am grateful. May we finish the Quest with flying colors, with hearts ablaze, and closer to each other.

Tombs

Back in September, a few months after I first broke and my heart stopped beating for any man, my King picked me up and gave me this message.

38 Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. 39 “Take away the stone,” he said.
“But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.”
40 Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”
41 So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42 I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”
43 When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.
Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

John 11:38-44

What He was saying was clear. I may be asking for healing. But He may be wanting to do a resurrection. I wrote a short post about it before saying, my King has chosen not to open a tomb in my life as of yet. And I will wait. And my good King was kind to me. He busied me with His work, and showed me the beauty of what was around me. He showed me wonderful things I had never seen before. Then just a few weeks ago, I got an email from Game Connection. The first line that loaded was this:

This surprised me, and brought to mind immediately the message my King had given me more than a month earlier. Why in the world would Game Connection send me a message like this? It didn't register, until the whole email loaded:

It was a "Happy Halloween" message. Still. I couldn't help but think... Could it be? Could my King be opening my tomb finally? I didn't want to think too much of it. But I couldn't help but hope. May I hope, my Lord? Would You finally heal my broken heart and bind up my wounds? Would You cause my heart to beat again? I believe, my King. Would You show me Your glory? I live hoping, my King. I cannot help it. Fulfill Your promises to Your servant, my King, and show me Your glory.

One Day...

Such a good voice. Such a good song. Sigh~ I dream of the day when a man with a good heart, who serves my King, and who would love me utterly would come into my life and feel like this for me. But my King is faithful. He will not forsake me. He will finish what He had started in my life. He will not stir my heart and leave it dead. He will not let me taste something good, then forever deny it from me. My King is good, though I am impatient. But this I know to be true: I will taste the goodness of my Lord in the land of the living. I live in hope.

Repairer of the Breach

6 “ Is this not the fast that I have chosen:
To loose the bonds of wickedness,
To undo the heavy burdens,
To let the oppressed go free,
And that you break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your bread with the hungry,
And that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out;
When you see the naked, that you cover him,
And not hide yourself from your own flesh?
8 Then your light shall break forth like the morning,
Your healing shall spring forth speedily,
And your righteousness shall go before you;
The glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
9 Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer;
You shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’


“ If you take away the yoke from your midst,
The pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
10 If you extend your soul to the hungry
And satisfy the afflicted soul,
Then your light shall dawn in the darkness,
And your darkness shall be as the noonday.
11 The LORD will guide you continually,
And satisfy your soul in drought,
And strengthen your bones;
You shall be like a watered garden,
And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.
12 Those from among you
Shall build the old waste places;
You shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
And you shall be called the Repairer of the Breach,
The Restorer of Streets to Dwell In.

Isaiah 58:6-12

Serving the King, Ravens like me sometimes forget why we do things. But the King is patient. And he has spoken thus to me this morning. Why fast, little Raven? It is to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, to let the oppressed go free. When we satisfy the souls of the afflicted, our own souls will be like a watered garden: satisfied, abundant, and restoring.

We, the Ravens

We are Ravens. Look at us. We are the mysterious, the adored, the companion of poets. We are the revered, the feared, the bringer of omens. We sit there, high on our perch. Quietly contemplating on our beauty. Comparing the creatures that pass beneath us. Watching. Judging. Proud.

Yet beneath that glamour, we are nothing more than scavengers. We are opportunists. Not willing or capable to acquire our daily bread on our own. We wait. We watch. Then we eat the scraps. We feed on the garbage this world offers us, not realizing that what we eat is waste. Then again, maybe we do realize that. But we eat it anyway.

Sad, don't you think? That all our beauty, all our greatness, are nothing but a glamour. And after the spell has been stripped away, we are exposed as the filthy creatures that we are. This realization had caused me to pause. I cannot fight my own nature. What was it that I had to do with this thought? I learned. I became wiser. But to what end? This revelation had caused me to despair. And I wandered. And I sought. And I cried out into the night. But the cold merely swallowed my voice. The darkness just swallowed me whole.

Then I saw the King.

The King sat not on His throne, but walked among His people. And I called out to Him. And He stopped, and beckoned me to Him. "Rest, Raven," He told me. And He offered me His arm.
"You created me," I accused Him, refusing to land on his arm.
"I did," He replied.
"Why?"
"Because it pleases Me."
"Why would it please You to create a flawed and filthy creature?"
"You are beautiful and poetic."
"And a scavenger! A trash-eater. A scourer of waste!"
The King smiled kindly at me and lifted his arm higher, and closer to me. "Come, Raven, find rest in Me."
Tired from flying all night, and tired from screaming, I landed reluctantly on His intricately embroidered sleeve. With me on His arm, the King walked down the forest path.
"Will you help Me find My ring?" He asked me.
"Where did You lose it?"
"Somewhere in the forest. You know the forest, don't you, Raven?"
"To an extent."
"Then find it," He said, lifting me up in the air.
"I don't have my answers yet."
The King smiled. "Honor your King, Raven. Find Me My ring."

It didn't take me long to find the King's ring. It was mixed with a pile of dead leaves not far from where I usually perch. Returning to the King, I dropped the gold ring on His open palm.
"Well done, scavenger," He said.
I tilted my head and fixed an eye on Him. "Was this what You made me for?"
The King once again smiled His benevolent smile and said, "Do not question My purposes for You. For you will never understand them. Just know that My plans for you are good and wonderful. And forget not, Raven, that I have given you wisdom, that You may discern the treasure from the trash."
I bowed before the King. My burden, lifted from me.
"The forest is littered with treasures," the King continued. "Some of those treasures don't even know they're valuable. But you see some of them, don't you, Raven?"
I nodded.
"Then go. Find them and bring them to Me."

Go...
Find them...
And bring them to Me.

The Raven's Song

At last, again, the breaking dawn;
The gloom has passed, the darkness gone;
As golden light bathes all I see,
Awake the wonder deep in me.

My frozen heart, You caused to break;
A painful cup I had to take;
But You, my Lord, are firm and true;
And I submit my life to You.

So fill my heart with holy light;
And may my countenance be bright;
That I may be for all to see
The one, the girl I wish to be.