2011: God, Dreams and Broken Hearts

Silver. That's how I'd describe 2011. Don't ask me how it became silver, but when we talk about 2011, the color silver comes to mind. And 2012 is gold.

2011 was a very eventful year for me. For Komikasi, it was a very good year. We got to be part of Game Connection this year. We got two big clients this year. And they've employed our services for several projects already. We got to be part of two more organizations or groups. And the company is really starting to make a name for itself. This wouldn't have been possible if not for my very able and persistent team. So, team, thank you, and let's make 2012 even better! And this definitely wouldn't have happened if it weren't for God. Lord, my team can attest to the many times you've saved us. And I can attest to Your hair-raising timing. Imagine, my client hadn't been paying for months. Then, just when I really needed the money, they pay the whole bulk of it! And our latest client, Lord. You prompted me to just send them an email eleven months after I had presented to them. Cold call. Asking if they had something I could bid on. And they had me come in the very next day for a briefing! And we got the project! And we're still getting more!

I know my God has plans for Komikasi. And so I will take care of this little empire He has put in my care. The plan is not much different from when it started. It's still to change the world. The only thing that changed is for whom I do it.

On the personal side of my life, this year has been a roller-coaster ride. I fell in love. Got my heart broken. Went back to God. Met new people. Got myself too busy, it wasn't funny anymore. Tried to run away from all the emotions. Got reprimanded by my Heavenly Father several times through the Good Book and through people around me. Realized I was becoming what had hurt me. Went back to God again. And now, I'm a work in progress. If any of my posts hold any hurt, fear or bitterness in them, you have permission to tell me off. In fact, I implore you to tell me off. As my friend, help me not to become that which I am fighting so hard not to become. I choose to love. It's not easy when you've been hurt. Hurt people hurt people. But I have made my choice. It's so easy to say it, but it's not very easy to implement. But with your help, and with your prayers, and with my Almighty God, who is the God of Love, I know it can be done. And the next time I love a man, it will be without fear. Love is a celebration. Let's keep it that way.

Man, there were so many lessons I learned this year. Not just from my direct experiences, but from the experiences of the people I met. Most of my lessons this year were heart lessons. I learned that irritability usually comes from one's disappointment with oneself. And when we hurt people, it's usually because we ourselves are hurt. And we usually hurt the people who are closest to us. And when we hurt them, they don't usually deserve it. That's why I'm so sorry, team, friends and family! I didn't mean to take it out on you. Forgive me!

This year, I thought what I knew about love was proven to be false. But later, I realized it wasn't being proven false, it was being tested to show me a higher form of it. It's true form.

This year, I saw some of my dreams turn to dust. But realized that it didn't matter. What do you do when your dreams turn to dust? (You vacuum.) You pick yourself up, and continue. You'll be given a new dream. Or God will revive the old dream. Or, in my case, He'll tell you to stay, stick to it and continue what you're doing anyway, even when the feeling is not there anymore. It's just a feeling, and the heart is a treacherous thing.

This year, I heard the stories of people. These were real stories with real emotions. I got to meet broken characters and triumphant characters. I heard of tragedies. I heard of miracles. I heard of answered prayers. Maybe even became part of some of their stories. I know they've become part of mine.

This year, I learned to be human.

And one of the most important things I learned this year is this: courage. Courage to face what's coming. Courage to conquer the hurts. Courage to let go and forgive. Courage to bless the people who hurt you and wish them the best. Courage to trust God, and have the faith that He knows what He's doing even if it doesn't seem to make sense. Because God is also a storyteller. And the best twists come when you don't see it coming.

2011 was a crash course in relationships and character for me. The breakup was not a failure in the lesson, but rather the start of the test. And it was a difficult test. But I think I'm getting the lessons. Also, 2011 was a year of setting up. I've seen my God's hand in all this. Komikasi couldn't be where we are now if we didn't get help. That plus the fact that He seems to keep telling me to stay where I am. I don't know what the future holds, but I have a feeling 2012 will be a great year for me and Komikasi.

Oh, and if any of you see my first love, let him know I don't hate him. I don't see him anymore. But I still pray for him, for God to bless and keep him, for God to help him find what he's looking for, and for God to shine a light and chase away the darkness I saw in his eyes the last time I saw him. Let him know that I am sorry for any hurt I had caused him. And tell him to cheer up. Whatever storm he goes through, tell him to just pray and hang on. He'll get through it. It can't rain forever. One day, we'd look back on all this and laugh about how silly we were breaking each other's hearts like that. And we would be friends, just as he had once hoped.

An Experiment

My Lord,

There is a training experiment I'd like to try. You see, I'd like to be the right girl. I'd like to learn to smile and converse. And I'd like to learn to speak only diamonds and roses. I'd like to teach myself not to scowl, or complain. I'd like to train myself to speak only of encouragement and truth. What I'd like to do is find someone I can meet with once a week. And when we meet, we'll just talk. And during that period, I will do what I said I'd like to learn to do. For that hour or so, I will smile, and not complain. I will speak only diamonds and roses. I will speak only encouragement and truth. Will you help me find that person, Lord? That person who would help me try out this experiment?

Love Letter #7

Dearest God,

You are my Lord, my savior, and my stronghold. You are my hiding place, my protector, and my light. You, my Lord, are my loving heavenly Father. You take care of me. And You love me. Thank You. Tomorrow, we celebrate the human birth of Your Son, who You didn't withhold from us. And if even Jesus You didn't hold back from us, then what else could You possibly not give us. You are a generous God. And patient, and faithful, and forgiving. See, Lord, I am but a sinner. You give me ways out, but I seldom ever take it. I have failed You miserably, but You still love me. Your Son still died for me. You still saved me. Lord, I ask for forgiveness. And I ask for Your guidance. I want to be pleasing to You. And may I always be, Lord,

Yours truly,

Your raven

My Ideal Man

I was chatting with a friend yesterday. And he asked me why I was still single. And I told him it was because I haven't found the right man yet. And so he asked me what my ideal man was. And it made me realize that my ideal man seemed to be a dying breed.

Well, of course, there are the basics. God-fearing man. Financially capable of supporting me and our would-be family. Would never raise a hand against women. Not into drugs or excessive alcohol. A one-woman man. Single. Any of these items is false and he's out of the running.

Then there are secondary musts and preferences. He has to be reliable. He has to be close to his family. Loving. Stable. I prefer an intellectual. A man who loves to travel. Loves to read. A true gentleman.

Then over the years, more were added. I love big families so, I prefer a man from a big clan. I need him to like children because I want some of my own some day. I'd like someone who could surprise me. Someone with a positive outlook on life.

I found that I loved words. And so I liked men who were eloquent, who were witty, and who were confident with their words. I also learned that I have a soft spot for flirts. No, not playboys. I despise guys who play with hearts, and I don't like little boys (and this has nothing to do with age). But men who are not afraid of giving you compliments, who are confident in the way they approach you, and who would do things to make you feel a little more special than the rest. Confidence is really attractive to me. I love it when men carry themselves well. I love it when they're sure of what they want. I love it when they're passionate about something. And I love it when they relentlessly pursue it.

Then I fell in love, and, other than the basics, the whole list just went out the window. Then my heart got broken, and I learned about what I really wanted and needed in a man.

I need them to be courageous. I need them to be persistent. I need them not to give up so easily because life will put you through things and I need someone who would be there with me to go through all the storms. I need a man who is happy. I need a man who has a positive outlook in life, who would be confident that together, we could take on anything. And with God, we would never fail. I need a man who would really love me, and not just "kinda like" me. Decisive. Knows what he wants. Generous, not just in resources, but also in time and words. That is the man I'm looking for.

I find myself lamenting the lack of men like these. I have a lot of male friends and acquaintances. And the statuses some of them post on their Facebook walls just sadden me. They are afraid. Their posts go like, "Don't expect promises to be kept. You'll only be disappointed." or "Don't care about her too much, you'll just end up hurt." My first guy even went as far as telling me, "Let's not celebrate monthly anniversaries. One of these days, one of us will just end up disappointing the other." Why are they so afraid? Granted, they've been hurt. But they are men! No, I'm not trying to put you down. On the contrary, I believe in your inherent strength. I apologize for what the womenfolk have done to some of you. Some of us truly are unfeeling. And some of us are really mean and immature. But some of us are probably just so in love with you and we don't know how to handle it. Whatever we put you through, I apologize profusely. But please, for your sake and the sake of the right woman for you, don't let the experience destroy you. Don't let the hurt consume you. Don't let bitterness take hold of your heart. Do not give up so easily. And don't let the pain make you afraid.

Ah, God! Show me that there are brave men in my generation still. My heart bleeds for the loss. Lord, You know clearly how much this grieves me.

Love Letter #6

Dear Lord,

Thank you for today, for the opportunity to bond with my new friends. There were obstacles this morning regarding our trip, but I know You have Your reasons. It may be so that we can spend time with each other. It may be to teach us temperance. Whatever Your reasons, Lord, thank You. I will accept the gift of Your given circumstance. Lord, I've been reading a lot about faith. I want to have faith. Help me overcome my unbelief. I know You do everything for a reason. And I submit myself to You and Your will. I love You, Lord. I want to love the way You love. Teach me. Lead me. May I live the way You wish me to live. Change my heart that I may see the way You wish me to see.

Yours always,

Your raven

Disappointments

Lord, help me. My client, who was supposed to pay today, did not pay. I needed that payment for my people's salaries and 13th month pay. And now, I have to borrow money again. Thank you that my father will lend me. But it just makes me so angry that we worked so hard to meet the deadline the client asked of us. We worked so hard to provide them with excellence. And their reason for not paying us today is, they forgot! We called them up earlier this week to remind them. But it seems like they don't even care. It's like we give them excellence, but they don't do their job properly to process our payments. It makes me so angry, Lord. No, we weren't mean to them. Vengeance is Yours, Lord. But I'm just so angry. Why is it like this? Both for relationships and business. You give them your all, but they don't. They take you for granted. But you have no choice because you either love the guy or you need the account.

Calm my heart, Lord. Take away the feeling of disappointment and remind me that this is Your countship I am running, and not my own.

Strange Schools

I'm passionate about schools and learning. In fact, I've got several schools I'd like put up in the near future. But recently, I've come across some really strange schools. Some of them come off as offensive at first, but then if you think about it, some of them are actually practical. I do not endorse any of the schools. I'm just listing them down as something interesting to take note of. So, here they are. Enjoy.

1. Fu Kang Beauty and Hairdressing School
Ah, yes, but it only looks like an ordinary beauty school. What makes Fu Kang so different from the rest is that it runs its courses like a military school. Caught daydreaming in class? Drop and give me fifty push-ups! It may seem harsh, but I actually approve of it. Just because they're a beauty school doesn't mean they're just a beauty school. Like any profession, discipline helps make one excellent.

2. Beijing Moral Education Center for Women
This school claims to be able to teach their students how to snag a billionaire. I think it's basically a finishing school. And they claim that, in the past few months, they were able to successfully marry off around thirty of their graduates. At first glance, my reaction would be, "eh?" but if you think about it, these women have a goal. Why shouldn't they study for it? So, yey, Billionaire School.

3. The Austrian International School of Sex
Now, I have a lot of questions about this school. Alright, I'm not totally against the concept of learning to please one's spouse, but not in front of an audience! Are you supposed to do it in front of all your classmates? Or at the very least, does your teacher have to watch so she can give you a grade? And what about class exercises? Certainly gives a whole new meaning to, "class, find a partner for this exercise." Does this mean you have to have your "practical tests" with different people?

The idea of the school tickles my brain to some extent. And the fact that classes are to be held in an 18th Century Mansion adds to the appeal. But the thought of having to be viewed while you're being intimate with someone and the possibility of having to partner up with different people are not things I look forward to.

My 2012 Goals

My current Life Goal: To create literature that aims to re-shape a mindset of current and future generations into one that would help them be men and women of strong character and integrity, of persistence and patience, of responsibility and power, of passion and compassion, and of love and peace; who are secure in their identity as children of the Most High, honoring their parents, respecting the women, and taking care of the hearts of people who life brings across their path.

My 2012 Goals:
PERSON

To be more compassionate this year. To be a delight to my God, a respectful daughter, a sister worthy to be followed, a kind and compassionate friend, a good testimony, an awesome boss, a wise and responsible creator, thankful, passionate, beautiful, healthy, and loving.

WORK

To expand the company to a 12-member production team by the end of the year. To do the Starstruck Launch Party in the first quarter. To train my current team into S-class creators. To promote the company so that by the end of the year, people will know who we are.
To resuscitate Talecraft and maybe bring it into the digital arena. To hold four writers’ workshops this year, and celebrate Reading month and National Novel Writing Month.
To finish the Dreams Game before the end of the first quarter, rest for a few months, then go ahead and start two new ones with the old team and a new team before the year ends.

CREATIVE

To finish writing the first book in a series of young adult books targeted towards boys 9-12 years of age.
To go back to reading and writing romance.

TRAVEL

To go to Chicago for the RT Booklovers Convention in April.
To attend SIGGRAPH Asia in Singapore in December.
To travel abroad on Kingdom work.
To travel to a place by myself, take a solo vacation, and thoroughly enjoy myself.

STUDY

To take up my MBA this year.
To take up a class and study something completely new.
To learn to drive.
To learn to swim.
To learn to cook.

My 2012 Goals

My current Life Goal: To create literature that aims to re-shape a mindset of current and future generations into one that would help them be men and women of strong character and integrity, of persistence and patience, of responsibility and power, of passion and compassion, and of love and peace; who are secure in their identity as children of the Most High, honoring their parents, respecting the women, and taking care of the hearts of people who life brings across their path.

My 2012 Goals:
PERSON

To be more compassionate this year. To be a delight to my God, a respectful daughter, a sister worthy to be followed, a kind and compassionate friend, a good testimony, an awesome boss, a wise and responsible creator, thankful, passionate, beautiful, healthy, and loving.

WORK

To expand the company to a 12-member production team by the end of the year. To do the Starstruck Launch Party in the first quarter. To train my current team into S-class creators. To promote the company so that by the end of the year, people will know who we are.
To resuscitate Talecraft and maybe bring it into the digital arena. To hold four writers’ workshops this year, and celebrate Reading month and National Novel Writing Month.
To finish the Dreams Game before the end of the first quarter, rest for a few months, then go ahead and start two new ones with the old team and a new team before the year ends.

CREATIVE

To finish writing the first book in a series of young adult books targeted towards boys 9-12 years of age.
To go back to reading and writing romance.

TRAVEL

To go to Chicago for the RT Booklovers Convention in April.
To attend SIGGRAPH Asia in Singapore in December.
To travel abroad on Kingdom work.
To travel to a place by myself, take a solo vacation, and thoroughly enjoy myself.

STUDY

To take up my MBA this year.
To take up a class and study something completely new.
To learn to drive.
To learn to swim.
To learn to cook.