Peace to Those on Whom His Favor Rests

“Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.” (Luke 2:14 NIV)

Dear Lord,

Forgive me my darkness. But thank You for Your love. Thank You for everything You have blessed me with. I am ungrateful. But I don't want to be anymore. You have given me a father who loves me, who saves me and protects me. You have given me a mother who is strong and who doesn't give up. You have given me siblings who support me in all my endeavors. You have given me Komikasi, and people who are loyal to the company. You have given me friends. You have given me people who like me. And here I am, ungrateful. And I am sorry about that. I am blessed. Very very much blessed. And I thank You. More than those, Lord, You have called me to You. You have given me Your Son to die for my darkness so I can stand here in Your Presence, so that this ungrateful whiny imperfect girl can stand in Your Most Holy Presence. Forgive me, my God. I repent. I am ashamed of my ungratefulness, and how I continue to entertain the darkness. You have given me a new day. I will rejoice and be glad in it. Thank You for coffee with this man. Thank You for letting me help with this school. Thank You for the opportunity tonight. You have blessed me. I am favored. Lord, please help me to fight off the darkness. Help me to do what You've told me to do, and rejoice. Let Your peace truly reign in my heart. Because only Your peace will quiet the raging monster inside me. Teach me to enjoy what you've given me. 

And I pray, dear God, I pray for the right man to marry. Lord, please speak to me about this. Enlighten me. I really like someone but I'm not sure if he likes me, too. And how will I know Your will about this, Lord? Should I hold on and wait? Should I entertain the other people who are showing interest? I know I have to decide, but this is a field I don't know much about. I'm having coffee this morning with someone else. Please protect us. Let me not hurt this man, for even if my heart is set on someone else, this man is good and kind. I wish to befriend him for now and know more about him. Lord, please help me.

Lord, I lift my heart to You. I don't know what to do. I need Your help here. And what else, Lord, have I not surrendered to You. Please bring my attention to that, Lord. I wish to surrender to You. Tell me agin what You want me to do, my God. For I am Yours. You told me to rejoice, Lord. And that, I will do my best to do. I will try again today, Lord. I will love the mud for that shows me that You've blessed me. Help me change this heart, Lord, that it will no longer be ungrateful, but joyful in its peace in you.

This I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen.

And my God Repeats It

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6 NIV)

And my God repeats this today. That He who began a good work in me will finish what He started. Dear Lord, I am indecisive. I play when I don't even realize it. But You will fix me. You have begun Your work. You have broken me and made me softer. Lord, when it comes to matters of the Heart, I don't know what to do. I need guidance. I want to be a good woman. I want to be a woman a man can be proud of. Teach me, Lord. And I pray for the right man for me. If he's here, Lord, make me sure. If he's not, Lord, please bring him to me soon. But make me decisive. I am hurting people with my indecision. There are three men right now but I am unsure for all of them. Does that mean I have to let go of all of them? Or do I choose from one of them? I am unsure, Lord. I dislike being indecisive but I can't decide, Lord! This is the rest of my life after all. Am I in love with any of them? I have a crush with one, I kinda like one, and the third is good man. What must I do, Lord?

Lord, perfect what You started in me. Make me a good woman. A confident beautiful healthy decisive woman who will take care of a man's heart. As I stand right now, I will only hurt them. Help me, Lord.

He Will Complete His Work

"... being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6 NIV)

"The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands." (Psalms 138:8 NKJV)

Dear Lord,

I had forgotten this. I had forgotten that You had called me years ago, You had called me to You, for Your purposes, Your pleasure, Your glory. I was broken and unlovable, but You, O Lord, promised. And You who promised are faithful. You have promised that You would perfect that which concerns me. I am awkward, unsure, afraid, with so little faith, but You have started the good work in me. You have made me gentler, kinder, more conscientious. I'm still quite a way off, but You will complete the work You have started in me. You are sovereign. And I am Yours. My very name declares Your oath, your promise. I suddenly just thought of something, Lord. Since my name means "God's Promise." Have You promised me to somebody? Am I Your promise to someone? That would be so romantic. May I think of romantic things, Lord? I'm always so afraid theses days. It may not be the case but I can't help but feel like I've been punished for wishing for romance. Change this heart, Lord. Free me from worry and fear. Let me love, let me wish, let me dream again. And let me be Yours. Be always with me, my God. I want to be in love with You. I want to be in awe of You. Save me like a hero. Protect me like a father. Love me. And let me be Yours. Be my God. And show me the paths I need to take. Show me how to show You that I love You. Make my heart kind and gentle and confident so that I will please You. Give me faith that I may please You. You've given me trials, but I don't know how to increase my faith during those trials. I'm miserable during the trials. But You told me to rejoice. I need a heart change, Lord. And I can't do it alone. I resubmit my life to You this morning. I want to live the life of freedom You promise. I want to be in love and in awe of You. Make my heart young again. Come in to my heart and expel all the demo sa na the darkness they bring. Shine in my heart, that I will shine as well in You.

Lord, I pray for my finances. Thank You for the referral by James. You are an awesome God. I pray that we get it. Grant it to us, my God, if You will it. And I also pray that we get Petron and Jollibee. Please empower my people that they may do great in the projects I have given them. Please bless us in Komikasi financially that we can thrive as a company. I met wilth Geiser Maclang yesterday. I pray for wisdom. If they could really help us with next year, that would be really great. But Lord, I don't want to make any wrong decisions for this company. Enlighten me. Give me wisdom and discernment. Speak to me somehow and let me know what Your will is in this endeavor. 

I pray also for a man. I submit myself to You, Lord, becuase I've chosen before and it wasn't good. I need Your guidance. I pray for a good man, Lord. One who would take care of me, who I can talk to about You, who would love me and who I could submit to and respect. Someone I would be excited to live the rest of my life with. Someone who would build a good and godly family with me. Someone strong in heart, Lord. Someone maalaga. I put my trust in You, Lord. You wouldn't show me things and deprive me of them, for You are a good God. I will have faith in You that You have not forgotten me.

Thank You, and this I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen.

Morning Prayer

Dear Lord,

Thank You for today. Thank You for the opportunities You've sent my way. Lord, I pray for my health. Please heal me. I also pray for the awards night. We need help with finances, Lord. I pray that ICTO release the money soon. Thank You for the bid at FGL. Lord, teach me to handle my company. Give me strength. Give me joy.

This day I lift to You, my God. Bless it and help me be a blessing. This I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen.

Malicious Tongue

Dear Lord,

Forgive me. I succumbed to the darkness and spoke of ill of You, claiming I don't know if You'll save me or not, when You've always saved me. I don't understand myself, Lord. I don't think it's about the money per se. But there's something wrong with me. Is it the feeling of the lack of control, Lord. I know I should surrender control to You, for You who has promised is faithful. You're not usually early, but You're never late. You have Your timing. Lord, You've given me so much. Loyal people. A family who loves me. Why am I speaking death to myself? My mouth is an open grave, Lord. I don't know what to think, Lord. Things are going well, lord. Why am I feeling bad? This has nothing to do with my finances, I think. But I feel cluttered. I feel overwhelmed with what is expected of me. But I shouldn't be. It's not that big. I have punished myself somehow that I don't do anything for fun anymore.

Lord, forgive me. Forgive this malicious tongue and heart. Please don't punish me. Turn not away from me. Be my God, still. And forgive me, Father. I am so sorry. Let me try to present my body once more as a holy and living sacrifice to You. I will rejoice today, Lord, as You've commanded. I will try again, Lord. Please cast away the spirit of darkness from my heart. Shine Your light in my heart that my joy may be complete.

This, I humbly pray in the Name of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Stagnant Waters

Lord, I thank You for a wonderful family and for the opportunities You have given me. But, Lord, in Your Son's Name, may I ask You for something? Give us joy in our hearts. I see the same stagnation in Mom and Marie as well. Does it run in my family, Lord? While we're not really depressed, we are unhappy, Lord. And for no particular reason. Maybe because we're overwhelmed with the responsibilities, but at the same time, maybe we're bored with the routine. We have forgotten our bliss. We have forgotten awe and wonder. What must we do, Lord? Lord, hear my plea. Hear my cry, my request. I ask, Lord. So that our joy will be complete. Complete our joy, Lord. Spark anticipation and awe in our hearts again. Excite us once more, my God. You are the God of Wonder. You have done great things, but we do not see. I am blind, Lord. Open my eyes. I need to see Your handiwork. I need to see the awesome and impressive things you've done. I need to see the greatness in Your creation. I need to be overwhelmed with awe that my body could do nothing but acknowledge You and exclaim, "Oh, my God!" as I am dwarfed by its beauty and magnitude.

Stir these stagnant waters that are our hearts, Lord. Teach us to care, teach us to see. Awake the awe in us again. Humble us with Your wonder. And send me, Lord. Send me on a mission somewhere. Give me a purpose. Show me clearly, my God, that I have a point.

Give us joy in our hearts, dear God. This I ask in the Name of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Morning Prayer

In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly. (Psalm 5:3 NIV)

Dear Lord,

Thank You for a family who loves me. 

Lord, this darkness has been persistent. It has been eating at me for the past three years. Please take me out of the dark, Lord. I know, the tomb is open and I'm the one who's not coming out of it. But I seem to have forgotten how. I have shut off. I have shut off pleasure after I had been hurt. I have shut off dreams after the death of my own dreams. I say I have moved on but my heart is hole-ridden. My world is colorless. I no longer hurt, Lord, but then I no longer feel, Lord. In hard times, I am angry. In good times, I am indifferent.

Lord, I have a request. I have a prayer, a favor to ask. Lord, give me joy in my heart. I know this is in line with Your will. You've been telling me to rejoice. But my heart just has no energy to truly smile. You tell me to rejoice, Lord. Then, please, light the spark. Maybe I've never truly been joyful when I was young. My default face was never a smiling one.

Lord, I also thank You for the opportunity with Bulkypix. I pray for Your presence and blessing in this endeavor. There's also Eyetem, Epic Nomz, Loupe, Combi, Eclipse and Sum-It, products we've been developing, Lord. Thank You for helping us, Lord, and for sending us OJTers who actually finish things. Lord, give me the positive outlook to appreciate these. Excite me once more, Lord. Wake my heart. Open my eyes. Take my hand and take me out of the grave I'm in. I can't seem to stand up and walk out on my own. Let my people see. Let my family see that I appreciate and enjoy them for You have given them to me. I'm so ungrateful. But I don't want to be. Take me out of the dark, my Lord. I don't want to be there.

And I will wait. For You have told me to wait. Wait for You for You are faithful. I will wait, Lord. For You are my God. I am Yours created for Your pleasure and purposes. Amen.

Sunday Prayer

Lord,

Forgive me. I'm annoyed at my sister again and being impatient with her. I'm keeping quiet now to not say anything hurtful. I've also been very proud this weekend, belittling the courage and effort of people who are interested in me. Forgive me. It is so hard. I want to change, Lord. I want to be like my friend, sweet and gentle. I want to have enough strength to be kind, to let go of the annoyance, to silence the rage. But I'm the kind who wants to get out of an unpleasant situation as quickly as possible and so I am impatient towards the people who persist to keep me there.

I want to be kind, Lord. I don't want to speak bad about people. I don't want to belittle people's fears or courage just because I'm impatient with them. Lord, You've given me all these opportunities to show kindness, but unless You change my heart, Lord, I'm not going to get any kinder. Help me, Lord. Change my heart so that when the opportunity arises again, I can glorify You.

I want to be like Roan, Lord. Kind, gentle. A woman who speaks kind words, words that build up and not repel. Words that put people at ease. I want to be like Andro, Lord. In control. Confident. Not easily stopped by obstacles. He doesn't even consider them obstacles. Lord, I'd like to be humble enough not to hurt the people who text me. I'd like to be confident enough not to flare up at my employees when they don't reach my expectations. I'd like to be sure enough of me and You not to feel offended when someone offends me. How do I do that, Lord?

I think it all boils down to how I see You. Lord, help me hang on to these truths. Help me fully believe these truths:

- That You know me. You know me by name. You know me inside out. You know me even when I was still being knit in my Mother's womb.

- That You love me, that You delight over me. That my very existence makes You happy enough to dance.

- That You have a purpose for me, particularly for me. That my existence has a significance in Your plan. That I'm part of something bigger than just me, something more meaningful than just making money.

- That I can trust You. You have plans for me. Plans to help me and give me hope and a future. That You would provide for me, and protect me and those I love. That You have my best interests in mind, and that even though the circumstances look bleak, I can rest easy because I trust you.

- That, whatever situation I my find myself in, I'm where You want me to be. My Jerusalems are not random. You've chosen them especially for me.

Lord, help me brand these in my heart. And be my strength to Be Still.

Wake from your Slumber

Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. (Romans 13:7, 8 NIV)

And do this, understanding the present time: The hour has already come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. (Romans 13:11, 12 NIV)

Give what is due, whether it's money, respect or honor. Love. It is time to wake up. The night is nearly over.

Where the Glory Goes

He must increase, but I must decrease. (John 3:30 NKJV)

Dear Lord,

I've been having these great ideas but when it comes to the stories, I get stumped. And that's possibly because You've emptied me of my desires. But You, O Lord, I know have remained in my heart. So, does that mean my story focus is just off that's why I can bring myself to write? I must decrease and You must increase. Your Glory has to shine through these story games. Tell me what to write about, Lord. What's a story that gives glory to You? Enlighten me, Lord.

Like Leaven

Another parable He spoke to them: “The kingdom of heaven is like leaven, which a woman took and hid in three measures of meal till it was all leavened.” (Matthew 13:33 NKJV)

Good morning, Lord,

I thank You for Your Word. I thank You for Your promises. Lord, give me courage. Give me strength to do what I need to do today. I need to talk to MRM. I don't look forward to it, and there's a negativeness that keep wanting to rise up in me. But Dad is right. And I need to do this for my company. I really need the funds, Lord. Payroll is just around the corner again. Ah, I don't feel like a proper Christian, always anxious and afraid. But You said Your Kingdom is like leaven. It has been put in me, but now I have to wait and trust that the meal will rise. All things work together for those who love You and are called for Your purpose. Take away my anxiety, Lord. And help me to choose joy. Calm me. They are all just people, like me, anyway. Nothing to be afraid of. What's the worst that could happen? Nothing. I retain the same state. But if You grant me the payment and soften their hearts, I will have payroll for my company.

Take away the anxiety and the anger, Lord. Let Your joy awaken in me. Let Your Spirit guard my heart from considering evil and negative and fear-filled things. I am Yours. I should not be timid. Be my strength, Lord. Give me wisdom and be with me. This I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen.

Make the Tree Good

“Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or else make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for a tree is known by its fruit. Brood of vipers! How can you, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. (Matthew 12:33, 34 NKJV)

For some time now, my God's command to me is to rejoice. Be happy. How can one command someone to be happy? Isn't happiness something you feel depending on the circumstance? And if you argue that He's asking me to be joyful, not happy, isn't joy a gift? How can one command someone to rejoice when joy is supposed to be a gift?

The command is actually more difficult to obey than you think. And it doesn't help when you have a voice inside your heart saying, "What for? What's the point? What difference does it make if I'm happy or joyful or not?"

And now, this. Make the tree good? Isn't a tree just good or bad? How can you make a tree good when it's grown? And what's worse is the alternative for not obeying is that the tree is made bad. And we are known by our fruits. We produce what we are. And what am I right now? I am lost. I am disinterested. I feel unloved, unloving and unlovable. I don't feel I'm worth very much and I don't feel beautiful.

Ah, Lord, I do want to obey You. But I don't know where to start! Lord, this is hard! I have to make me happy. I have to make the tree good because I know I just need to start it and You will give me joy. I can't see how, but I know it will turn out alright because everything works together for those who love You and for those who are called according to Your purposes.

I will obey, O God. But I need a little help here. Ingrain it in me, shove it in my face if You have to. But show me, show this fickle distracted heart that You have a purpose for me. And point where I need to go, Lord. Teach me, Lord, as You have promised, where to go and what to do. Teach me to be a great leader. Speak to this hole-ridden heart that it may learn to be still. That it will be secure in the knowledge that You are in control. Because the church says You are. But my heart, dear Lord, is not sure. And I will speak truth before You.

I don't know if I can properly pull off what You want me to do. But I will certainly try. I am off now to try to rejoice and be happy. My first step for the week is to do a bit of running. They say endorphins can make you happy.

Beulah

No longer will they call you Deserted,
or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah,
and your land Beulah;
for the Lord will take delight in you,
and your land will be married
-Isaiah 62:4

Some time ago, not long after I had decided to pledge my life to my God, I received this as a promise. That time, I had been in a dark pit, struggling to climb out. My heart was broken and I was unable to hold on to any strength to pull me out of the darkness. At that time, I thought a broken heart and a crushed spirit was of no use, of no worth, to anyone. All I could do was sit in that deep dark pit and look up to the light high high up. Just sit there and hope the little hope my hole-ridden heart could hold. Just sit there, and hope my God would take care of my poor little company. Because its leader, if she could be called that given her state at that time, had no strength to continue loving what she had started. How could she possibly love when all she had was a broken hole-ridden heart that believed love was nothing but a lie? But she knew she had to believe. She had to learn to believe in the truth and existence of love again, because so many young dreamers looked to her to set the tone of the company. So many young hearts were going to feel as lost as she did if she didn't pull herself together soon. But at that time, all she could do was murmur an apology and grieve the death of her dreams. Oh, the company was still there. It just wasn't her dream anymore. Her heart had become incapable of holding a dream now. And all she could do was pray that the God who put the dream in her in the first place would have pity on the dreamers who looked to her. And save them as she was no longer, and maybe never have been, able to save them.

And this was what He said. This was the promise that resonated in her hard, broken excuse of a heart in that deep dark pit she had struggled so long to climb out of.

And this year has seen the fulfillment of that promise. I think the fulfillment is still continuing. I just hadn't noticed it until one of the organizations I had been trying to forge an alliance with said this in his email:

"... form an NDA , just for formality and that we can marry each other (our companies hehehe) so both of us can be rest assured that our secrets are safe :D"

Non-disclosure Agreements are normal in the world I move in. The way he said it, though, triggered the memory of the promise. And I suddenly realized theirs wasn't the only organization we had been forging an alliance with this year. There was another one with a different focus that we made an agreement with, too, earlier this year. ("Polygamy!" Cries my sister).

Thank You, my God, for the promise and its fulfillment. May I never forget that You are truly a faithful God. My friends, rejoice on this day with me. Rejoice that we have a God who fulfills promises, and remembers even though we are fickle and forgetful. My very name, derived from Elizabeth, speaks of His promise. I had pancakes and bacon to celebrate. Friends, celebrate with me and remember.

He is our Sun

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord will give grace and glory; No good thing will He withhold From those who walk uprightly. (Psalms 84:11 NKJV)

Our company's logo is a sun...

Promise?

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you. (Psalm 32:8 NIV)

At A Crossroad

I'm at a crossroad. Except I'm not standing still. I can't stand still. If I don't keep moving, my people will suffer. Overheads and bills and payroll keep coming every month no matter what I'm feeling. My feelings and my being lost are irrelevant when it comes to business.

But I am at a crossroad. I am experiencing a tragedy: the death of my dreams.

But my God is teaching me something. I need to be fine with or without my dreams because my identity should not be my dreams. I am a child of the Living God, created for His purposes and pleasure. Not my dreams. Dreams are important and I will strive to find a new dream. But I should not depend on my dreams for my identity.

This is hard.

Give thanks

give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV)

Dear Lord,

Thank You for everything You have given me, Lord. Thank You for the opportunities. Lord, let me not blow it. I know this is an opportunity to show that I follow You. Take off the hate. Take off the rage. Thank You for this opportunity. Help me not blow it.

Amen.

Rest

Therefore since it still remains for some to enter that rest, and since those who formerly had the good news proclaimed to them did not go in because of their disobedience, God again set a certain day, calling it “Today.” This he did when a long time later he spoke through David, as in the passage already quoted: “Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts.” For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken later about another day. There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience. (Hebrews 4:6-11 NIV)

Dear Lord,

I seem to have forgotten how to rest. I have to rest from my works. But I find myself doing things, thinking that I need to finish this quickly to get my company out of its current circumstance. I seem to have forgotten how to rest.

Lord, I pray for my friend. The girl he likes now has a boyfriend. And he's sad. He said he's fine, but I know from experience that it takes a little while for the pain to sink in. Please send him comfort. I also pray for my cousin-in-law. I know she feels sad and unappreciated. And I feel awkward reaching out to her because we hardly have anything in common. But she is sad and alone, Lord, desperately seeking the approval of a father figure. I don't know what to do. Lord, please help her. Be with her. If You want me to do something, tell me, Lord.

This I pray, my Father and God.

Amen.

I am Afraid

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:10, 13 NIV)

Dear God, dear Father,

I need You. I am afraid. You tell me not to fear. But I can't see You. I can't find You. Four weights are already on me. By tomorrow, it will be six or seven. By Monday, ten. By Tuesday, eleven. People tell me not to look at the problem but see the positive side. Lord, I cannot see the positive side when I can see no light for the problems I already have. And they are compounding. Lord, what am I to do? Lord, I can't even see You. You said, Lord, do not fear. You said, Lord, You will help me. Please do, Lord. I am hanging on to only that now. I don't even know if this is Your message for me. I'd like to think so. But I can't see You so I don't remember how to tell if You are truly speaking to me or it's just me trying to convince myself that You're telling me You would help me. Don't forget me, Lord. Where are You in all this, my God? Reveal Yourself to me that I do not forget the good things You have done. Lord, please, where are You? Call to me, my God. Say my name. Say the word, Lord, and I will walk on water. But be not silent towards me. Lord, You said, seek and you shall find. Lord, where are You? I need You. I need You to make a way. I need a miracle. If You do not wish to magically take this problem away, then at the very least, send me a magical something to just tell me You're there. I am blind, Lord. Unless You do something big or You open my eyes, I cannot see. I need to see You. I need You, Lord, to show me that I'm not alone in all this. I already feel unloved and unlovable, and now I feel incompetent, too. Lord, I need You. I need my Father's reassurance. I need You. Lord, please. Tell me I'm not alone. Show me that You're there. I can't see You. And please, please, please, save me. Let it be true that You say this to me. Let it be true that You tell me not to be afraid. Let it be true that You said You will help me. And please, Lord, help me. Help me. Tomorrow, we have to pay taxes again. And maybe electricity. Lord, open up a way. Show me a way in the wilderness. Open up a path for me. Lord, please, please, please help me.

My Doubts, My Fears

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18 NIV)

My God, my God,

I have been sinning in my mind. And that is because I have been looking for comfort. Lord, forgive me in this weakness of mine. But I will not hide anything from You. Here, Lord, I bare myself to You. I sought comfort elsewhere because I couldn't find Your comfort. I am afraid because I am afraid You would not be able to save me. My Pastors would think I'm blasphemous for saying it. And my small group leader would tell me that I have to pray and have faith. And my brother would admonish me for not seeing the little miracles You've given me until now. But there, Lord, that is the truth. I don't know if You'll pull through for me.

The miracles seem to be always for other people. And instead of feeling loved, I feel bad about myself for not feeling Your love. I feel like such a bad Christian for not trusting You enough. But there You have it, Lord. The truth without any sugarcoats. I believe You exist. I believe You have a hand in my life and everything will be fine in the end. But what about the now? I want to believe, Lord. I want to feel loved by You, Lord. But I don't know how to cast out this fear. I have sapped my family dry. All I want is to be a good CEO to my people. But I couldn't even get my clients to pay on time. How can I pay the salaries and the bills? Everyone tells me The Lord will pull through for You. Then why am I buried in debt? Why couldn't I even pay my people's social security on time? My rent hasn't been paid yet, and it's incurring penalty as we speak. The check I paid for my taxes last month bounced, and I still haven't replaced it yet. And the bills for the month have started coming in again. And I need an enormous amount of money for separation pay for two people for the coming 15th. People tell me not to look at my problems but Lord, I can't help it. I am afraid. I am afraid the due dates will come and the clients still haven't paid yet. Where am I supposed to get the money? I have no resources left. My credit cards are almost maxed out, I can't loan anymore because I have existing loans already. I have sucked my family dry. And I feel so alone. The responsibilities seem overwhelmingly big and there's only me.

I don't have the perfect love You speak of, Lord. I wish in my heart for a great miracle, even though the people around me seem to think I have no business asking for it. But Lord, pull through for me. Help me with my finances. And change my heart, too. That I can rejoice in any circumstance, as You've been telling me to do. But on my own, Lord, I am powerless. I cannot fight the fear. I have this doubt that I cannot overcome on my own.

Christ-like Qualities

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:6-8 NIV)

Dear Lord,

Studying Jesus, I see the attitude You want me to have: He holds no grudges. He forgives offenses, no matter how great. And He's also shown me how it is necessary to just get away from it all every now and then to rest and to connect with You. Lord, I didn't use to hold grudges. Oh, Lord, what had happened? Now, his very presence darkens my day. And we used to be very good friends. Lord, have I failed in how I was supposed to handle this? Forgive me. Protect him as he leaves. Give him a job you'd like him to have. And may the blow not be too hard on my people. Maybe it's just time we parted.

Lord, bless the week. This is going to be a very busy week. I pray that our clients pay this week. Lord, take off the grudges, the bitterness and the worrying from my heart. Teach it to trust You. Lord, I want to be a caring, thoughtful, pleasant person. I want to be kind. I want to smile. Circumstances may change and my happiness may be there or not, but I'd like to have an immovable peace and an undying joy in my heart. Lord, You've taken away the exclusivity in my family. You've taken away the man I loved. And now, you've taken away my dreams. And my dreams were basically what I lived for when I was growing up. But I know You're teaching me that even without all these, I'm fine because You're there. Lord, I couldn't help but feel afraid and lost. Lord, reveal Yourself to me. Call me to You. Make me smile.

Lord, today is the last day of my fast. I'm not even sure I'm doing this properly. But I just really want to get closer to You, to hear from You. Lord, once again, I pledge my allegiance to You. My heart, I place again at Your feet. My life, I place in Your hands. Lead me, Lord. Show me where to go. Teach me what to do. I hold on to Your promise that You will show me what is best and direct me where I should go. Lord, I pray for breakthroughs. I pray for something awesome, because You are an awesome God.

Amen.

Write On My Heart

In the case of a will, it is necessary to prove the death of the one who made it, because a will is in force only when somebody has died; it never takes effect while the one who made it is living. This is why even the first covenant was not put into effect without blood. (Hebrews 9:16-18 NIV)

“This is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds.” (Hebrews 10:16 NIV)

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2 NIV)

Dear Lord,

Thank You for shedding Your innocent blood to save and redeem us once and for all. Lord, I hold on to Your covenant. You will put Your laws in my heart, and write them on my mind. You will perfect that which concerns me. I have faith. I hold on to that. Lord, when I found out my friend was off to see him, I felt a bit jealous. I miss him a bit, and I'd really like to see him. But Lord, I close my eyes and turn to You. Ah, I do like him, dear God. He is a good man. He works hard. Strong. He knows what he wants and is not easily deterred. A geek. We could talk for hours. He has the makings of a protector and a good provider. He works in the field he wants and is very good at what he does. I admire him so.

But You, dear God, You sent Your Son. And Jesus not just protected me but died so I could turn to You like this despite my sins. I am not my own. My heart belongs to You. Therefore, Lord, if he's not the one you've chosen for me, I will close my eyes. Oh, I really do like him, Lord. And I wish I wish I wish that You would redeem him and break his family's curse and will him for me. But You are my God. Your Will be done. I will not do anything. I will wait for You. I really do wish he'd reach out to me. Send me a message or something. But You, Lord, are my God. To You do I revert. You, I will follow. I will close my eyes.

Transform my mind, Lord. Write on my heart.

This I pray. I await more words from You, O God. Speak to me, Lord. Instruct me. Lead me. Show me who You are.

Amen.

Direct Me

This is what the Lord says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. (Isaiah 48:17 NIV)

“Then he said: ‘The God of our ancestors has chosen you to know his will and to see the Righteous One and to hear words from his mouth. You will be his witness to all people of what you have seen and heard. And now what are you waiting for? Get up, be baptized and wash your sins away, calling on his name.’ (Acts 22:14-16 NIV)

Dear Lord,

I need to hear You. I will hold on to Your promise. You said You teach me what is best for me, and direct me in the way I should go. Present tense, Lord. You do that in the present and not in the future. Lord, I ask what I was supposed to do when I broke up, You said, "Praise The Lord." My company is not making money and I don't know what to do. I ask You what I should do and You tell me, "Rejoice in every circumstance." Lord, my heart is stubborn. My mindset is wrong. I want to praise You and rejoice in every circumstance. But my heart will not cooperate. Lord, Lord, please be with me and help me to follow what You want me to do. This is the day You have made, Lord. I want to rejoice and be glad in it. I don't want to worry. I really need You, Lord. I want to smile and be happy and stop complaining. Please fill me with Your joy and Your peace. And I will hold on to Your promise, Lord, that You will teach me what is best. You will direct me where I should go.

Amen.

Trials are a Joy

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (James 1:2-6 NIV)

Dear God,

I've heard this before, but this is not an easy thing to do at all! Consider it pure joy that I face trials of many kinds? Lord! But I hear You, Dear God. I will let perseverance finish its work so that I may be mature and complete. I do ask You for wisdom, Lord. I am a fool. I am proud and I rely on my own powers. But this time, Lord, I am powerless. I have only You. Thank You for giving me a wonderful father. Please bless him for always helping me with my finances, even at the expense of his own finances. Lord, I don't want to be a burden to my family anymore. And Lord, while this is a trial, use it, Lord, to lead me into the right direction. If I am ready, Lord, let me create for You now. Open doors for us, Lord. I don't want to create for something I don't believe in anymore. Forgive me for my lack of faith. But I trust You, my God, that You will lead me to You. That these trials are nothing more than that: trials. And You will mold me into the kind of person You wish me to be.

How to Study the Bible

I took a workshop on how to study the Bible at our church, Victory Fort. and today, we talked about guidelines when studying. We talked about context and how we sometimes take some verses out of context. Here's one:

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” (Luke 6:38 NIV)

We usually take this verse to talk about tithing and generosity. But if we look at the verse before that,

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” (Luke 6:37, 38 NIV)

We can see that this verse actually talks about forgiveness and not giving money. How apt when taken in context to my life right now. Lord, soften my heart. Teach it to forgive. I want to give forgiveness freely, just as You would have me.

Ah, Lord. I feel so at peace when studying Your Word. But I need to go back into the world. I need to go back to where the fire demon in my heart is strong, and I am weak against it. Be with me, my God. And help me forgive. Help me forgive.

Of Men Past

God, O, God,

My Protector, my Redeemer, my Lord. To You be glory and honor forever. You are the Creator of the world, the Author of my life. Nothing is hidden from You. You protect those who are Yours.

I am Yours, am I not? O Lord, why is the spirit of sadness coming over me? I met a man who is dear to me. He is a sweet sweet man. Very decent. Very kind. He was the first man I ever really went out with. And praise be to You, Lord, that my first man was a kind and decent one. But I was young then, and he was ready to settle down. And we drifted apart before we even officially became an item. He is married now to a nice girl, and I am very happy for him.

He gave me a book he had written. I had distanced myself from that world after my first boyfriend had broken my heart. The world of stories was a world of chivalry and true love to me. And when we broke up, I felt that that world turned out not to be true, and that true love was nothing but a wish that can never be found in the real world. Of course, circumstance has taught me that true love does exist but that what we think as true love is really not love but a feeling we associate with love. And that true love is not romantic. On the contrary, it is that thing that keeps us going even when the feeling is gone.

I read the book and I found I had missed this world, this world where anything can happen. Where people were chivalrous. Where love was true. And the thing about stories is you can get a glimpse of the heart of the writer from the text. And when he talked about an absence of a formal relationship with a particular girl, and tears threatening to burst when he saw the girl with another guy, I suddenly couldn't help but think if I had not hurt him back when we parted years ago.

He is still kind and decent now. I saw no bitterness in him when I met him again. We didn't hang out anymore. He was married now. It wouldn't be proper. And when we'd have lunch, he would make sure we had a third person with us.

I liked that. I appreciated that. It made me respect him more. It made me feel protected.

And it made me cry that after this man, what seemed to follow in my life was a series of broken guys.

I can't say I regret that I didn't pursue a relationship with this man. If I had back then, I would probably just hurt him. I was still selfish and self-centered back when I met him (I still am but I think it has been greatly turned down now). I can't say I regret falling in love with the broken and hurting guy who became my first boyfriend because that taught me a lot about men, relationships and myself. And it sent me crawling to my God. So I can't say I regret it. But I just felt sad.

Fight the Good Fight

We have just started an equipping series in church on how to study the Bible. And we studied 2 Timothy 4, and this is what I gathered from my studying:

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me on that Day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing.
2 Timothy 4:7-8

I have fought the good fight
The good fight. The most basic of our fights. The battle between good and evil. The good fight of faith. We are in a battle, aren't we? We knew that. As children, we knew the most basic of our fights. But as we grew older, the situations become more complex. And our desires often grey out what we used to see as wrong.

I have finished the race
Life. We have hat rat races, running a business, running from hurts. We run life. But why call it a race? Why the competitive element to it? Urgency. That is why. We never really know how much more time we have. But this is a race and there is an urgency to do the things God has called us to do.

I have kept the faith
Faith can dwindle. Faith can drop. But the idea is to sustain the faith until the end.

The crown of righteousness
What is righteousness? It's basically fulfilling our end of the bargain in our relationship with God. And it doesn't say here that we will achieve righteousness. Rather, it will be crowned us. Do what needs to be done, and at the end of it, He will make us worthy.

Overall take-home
Press on. I may be faltering, and I may want to give up with all the failures I have as a Christian. But we have to press on. Do what needs to be done, and do it with a sense of urgency. And at the end of it all, God will make you worthy of the relationship with Him.

Turn to Me

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish." (Psalm 25:16, 17 NIV)

"Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in you." (Psalm 25:20, 21 NIV)

Lord, my God, turn to me. I am lonely and afflicted. Guard my life, Lord. I do not know what to do. I thought I had finally found someone I could consider. But new facts have given doubt. I'd like to pursue, but what is right, Lord? Will it displease You if I pursued this? Will I sin against You if I loved him? I do not wish to be too religious about this, either. What he really needs right now is love. Not the romantic kind. But the true one, which holds no record of wrong, which is patient and forgiving, and most importantly, which is Yours. But then I am being arrogant to think that I would be the one to bring that to him.

I do not wish to displease You, Lord. I do not wish to go against Your Word. But what is right in this situation? Is he condemned to solitude forever? Would my children and my children's children be cursed if I loved him? I am hurt and confused by the developments. But You, my God, are my Lord. Lead me. Instruct me in the way I should proceed. And guard me.

Downward Mobility

For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sakes He became poor, that you through His poverty might become rich. And in this I give advice: It is to your advantage not only to be doing what you began and were desiring to do a year ago; but now you also must complete the doing of it; that as there was a readiness to desire it, so there also may be a completion out of what you have. For if there is first a willing mind, it is accepted according to what one has, and not according to what he does not have. For I do not mean that others should be eased and you burdened; but by an equality, that now at this time your abundance may supply their lack, that their abundance also may supply your lack—that there may be equality. As it is written, “He who gathered much had nothing left over, and he who gathered little had no lack.” 2 Corinthians 8:9-15 NKJV

True power is not when you come to a point where you find yourself up there with the affluent. It is when you find yourself able to go down to the needy.

Today is my presentation in Social Transformation. This is our devotional for the day. In context, Paul was referring to Christians giving money. But what God has impressed upon me is that the same applies for any good work that we do. When we start out, it is usually for good. We start out excited to give, or to be doing something that changes the world for the better. But more often than not, we get sidetracked or discouraged. We question if our giving actually does anything. We question if what we do actually has an impact. I had been losing steam these past few months. Changes in my life and relationships had shaken my convictions when it comes to my company. But God gave me the chance and excuse to do field work and observe how different organizations work. Social Transformation class has helped me pause and reflect on the things I have been doing for my company and the motives behind it. I wanted to stop and run away. Not because it was too difficult, but because I felt lost and I wasn't sure if it was worth continuing. At a certain point, I almost believed what some of our critics have told us: that creating games is nothing but play. Nothing but meaningless wasting of time. But my class and people I've met recently have made me pause and think of the original reason why I'm doing this in the first place. Wasn't it to tell our stories? Wasn't it to change the mindset of generations through games, comics and animation? Wasn't it to create a work environment where people didn't care about career opportunities, but creation. Wasn't that what we wanted to do? For us, creators, who cares about being director or senior producer? All we ever wanted was to create, to touch lives, to make people feel.

It allowed me to stop and look at where we were. We didn't start this to make brands popular. We didn't start this to make money. I didn't start this to let big organizations abuse my people. But what was I doing now?

I wanted to stop and do everything over again. But no, that's not the solution. The solution is to press on, as we always have, and slowly but surely get back on track. Many times, it really doesn't matter WHAT we choose to do, but more WHY we do it. We can make branded games. We can service ads. But I needed to remember that the point was to tell stories, stories that stir people, stories that compel people to change the world. And by stories, I don't mean the stories of the work that we do, but more what story we live by doing the work.

All of us have good work that we started. All of us have projects that we've chosen to support for the good they do. But for many of us, we've lost steam. We've been discouraged. We've questioned the effectivity and acceptability of our projects. But I think we sometimes need to be reminded, "you also must complete the doing of it." Keep the faith. Press on. And together, let us encourage each other that we may do the work our God has placed in our hearts.

Comfort Zones

Writhe in agony, Daughter Zion, like a woman in labor, for now you must leave the city to camp in the open field. You will go to Babylon; there you will be rescued. There the Lord will redeem you out of the hand of your enemies. (Micah 4:10 NIV)

I had a talk a few weeks ago where I was asked to recount how I put up my company and how I got it to where it was. And I realized how much I had to go out of my comfort zone just to make it work.

Sometimes, one needs to get out of one's city, one's comfortable place. And out there, out there, she will be rescued and redeemed by the Lord.

God is Light

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. (Psalm 139:7-12 NIV)

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. (1 John 1:5 NIV)

Dear God,

My Light. Shine in my heart. Chase away any darkness in it. Lord, I lift to You my prospective relationships. I want to do it right this time. Protect me. If You do not will him for me, then Your will be done. Lead me to Your choice. Be my Light. Reveal to me truths. Give me wisdom.

I also pray for my meetings today. Put a seal on my tongue. Put a guard before my mouth. Not just for my meetings, but especially with my dealings with friends. Give me wisdom and give me kindness.

This I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen.

His Wonderful Light

The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— (John 1:9-12 NIV)

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. (1 Peter 2:9 NIV)

Dear Lord,

You have called me into Your wonderful Light. I will sing praises to You! You have chosen me. I am Your special possession. Lord God, You are my King and Father. Your Will be done.

He Shall Bring Forth Righteousness

He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, And your justice as the noonday. (Psalms 37:6 NKJV)

Dear Lord,

I've always thought that it's my duty, my job to fulfill my end of the relationship. But Lord, I can't do it myself. See? Just this morning, I slipped again. But Lord, know that I do want to be devoted to You, to find delight in You. I just can't do it on my own.

But You, Lord, said that it is You who will bring forth my righteousness. You will cause me to fulfill my end of the relationship. Lord, I surrender to You. Lead me. Change my heart. Cause me to find my delight inYou.

Glory of God

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV)

Dear Lord,

I know You created me for Your glory. Lord, I fall short. I fall so far far far off the mark. I have rage in my heart. It doesn't want to still. It doesn't want to quiet. It hurts people. And I can't help it. Lord, a lot of good things happened this week. I made up with my friend, I got 20% discount from a lady at the cafe, being the youngest president of the club has its perks, my printer finally brought what I had printed, I got new OJTers. But there is a rage in me that chooses to look at the wrong things than the right. The barcode's too small, my marketer seems to not believe in what he's selling, my game is unbalanced, delays! Lord, it's only been the second week of the work year, and I'm already angry. Lord, I can't quiet my heart. Lord, I need Your help. I need Your grace. And what am I to do with Magoo? I'm not satisfied with his work. But I just regularized him. It annoys me that Martin doesn't ask permission when he'll be out.

Lord, help me. My heart rages. I don't know what to do. It's no longer pleasant for me at work. I don't look forward to work.lord, help me. Help me. Help me. All my actions are far from glorifying You. I want to glorify You. But my heart will not cooperate.

My Spirit Fails

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— (Ephesians 2:8 NIV)

Answer me quickly, Lord ; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. (Psalm 143:7, 8 NIV)


Dear Lord,

Forgive me. I broke my fast yesterday. Both the food and the Isaiah 58 fast. I gave in to my rage. I burned the whole day. But I know that I have been saved, not by my works, but by Your grace. You have reminded me that. Thank You.

But Lord, my spirit fails. Do not hide Your face from me. I need You more than ever, Lord. Calm the raging inside me. Reign my tongue, Lord. Today, I will speak to him. Give me the strength to wield power as the leader. But give me the control to be compassionate, Lord.

Thank You for the opportunity. The Ateneo de Davao thing seems like it's going to work. Bless the endeavor, Lord. Be with me always.

A Prayer

You have shown me what is good, O God. I will rejoice ever more. Teach me to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with You. In all circumstance, I will do things without complaining. I will submit for I revere You. And I will be strong, and not be afraid. I will believe, for You are with me always.

You have revealed and saved and proclaimed. I am a witness that You are God. May I not keep silent. May I tell my story.

Keep me, Lord, as the apple of your eye. Hide me in the shadow of Your wings. Cover me with Your feathers. Under Your wings I will find refuge. Your faithfulness will be my shield and rampart.

Teach me your way, Lord , that I may rely on Your faithfulness. Give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name. Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; may Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you, that I may sing for joy and be glad all my days. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

God's Will

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV)


Sovereign Lord,

Thank You for what You have given me. You have taught me. You have put me in a position to decide. You've given me experiences. You have given me people to love. You have given me people who love me. You have given me a story. Lord, I want to write of what you've taught me. I just don't know if I can sustain it. I want to write love stories, Lord. But You have emptied my heart. It hasn't been filled yet. Lord, I don't want to go back to what I was before. Fill me, Lord, with Your Spirit. Tell me what to write. My heart is still in comics and novels and games and animation. But I've lost my stories. You have emptied me of my old desires, of my old stories. Tell me what to write. Tell me what stories to tell. I want to write romances. What are the love stories You want me to tell? Send me writers, Lord. And comics. Weren't we going to spread hope in a hopeless city through that? But I don't know what to do yet. Lord, I am here. Use me. I know I can't write about love if I don't know love. But You've been teaching me. Lord, inspire me. Give me a story to tell. Mine? Mine isn't done yet. My love story isn't novel-worthy yet, I think. What should I write about, Lord?

Lord, You have given me this area of influence. I can do apps, comics, and games. I can start things. Lord, I have card games of my own. My February Launch is an opportunity. Lord, I have a plan. But is it acceptable to You? Speak to me, Lord. Show me what You want me to do. Use me in my sphere of influence. Teach me how to reach who You want me to reach.

I offer You these hands and this battered, tattered, fumbling heart. I'm sure You can use them. I offer You this game. What do You want with it? Use it, Lord. And use me.

Remember

I will remember the deeds of the Lord ; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.” (Psalm 77:11, 12 NIV)

Dear Lord,

You are the God I prayed to when I was afraid of the pain of the plaster when they were about to take off my dextrose. But You made my dextrose leak, got the plasters wet, and I felt no pain.

You are the God I prayed to when we had just moved to Manila, and I was worried that my parents weren't home yet. I would pray to You, and moments after, You would bring my parents home and quiet my fears.

You are the God who always protects me. I've had many close calls with choking and almost getting run over. But You are always there to protect me.

You are the God I pray to when I'm worried about payroll. And money would come.

You are the God I prayed to when a man broke my heart and I couldn't fight the pain. I held on to You and You got me through the storm. And now I am over him, and there is no hatred between us.

You are the God I am praying to now, when I don't know what to do, when my closest friend suddenly tells me he loves me, but I don't love him back that way. You are the sovereign God, Lord. Your will be done. But teach me Your ways, Lord. Let me understand Your will. Teach me how to go about this. Teach me how to be sensitive to Your promptings.

Lord, let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul.

Mud and the Blind

John 9:1-7 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” After saying this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes. “Go,” he told him, “wash in the Pool of Siloam” this word means “Sent”. So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.

I listened to a podcast by Pastor Steven Furtick about God's method and madness. It was funny and insightful. He was talking about how we usually expect something glorious and magical from God when we ask for His help. But many times, he'll make mud from His saliva and put that on our eyes. Very anti-climactic and roundabout, if you think about it. But God's ways are higher than our ways. His thoughts are different from our thoughts. But after all the things that happen, and we follow what He tells us to do (go wash your eyes in the river), we see.

They say to be careful what you pray for. The Lord listens. Two years ago, I prayed for love. True love. And instead of magically making me more loving towards people, my God made me fall in love, then allowed my heart to be broken. Then put me at a crossroad where I had to choose if I was going to love or not. He showed me what true love is. Not mush. Not "I love you"s. Not the warmth you see in a person's eyes. Those are manifestations of being in love. But true love is forgiveness. True love is the decision to not hate. To let go, and when I say let go, that includes the hurt, the bitterness, the anger. It wasn't easy. It took about a year. And I couldn't do it alone. I couldn't even rely on just my friends and family around me. Some of them would listen, but they couldn't give me the strength and power I needed. Only One had the supernatural strength to help me follow through on my decision to choose love.

Then, just as I had gotten over my first love, a new situation popped up. It's a bit more complicated than the previous one. But again, if I choose love, then love is patient, love is kind. It does not delight in evil. It protects. I almost wanted to give up. But "What is your choice, Ria?" a voice asked me. Love protects. Love perseveres. I'm so tired, Lord. I need Your strength once again.

God works in mysterious ways. But one thing I know for sure, I'm really learning about love and the matters of the heart. Is it easy? No. Is it done? No. Do I feel lost and frustrated and disappointed? For sure. But some things I know for sure keeps me going, even if it's hard to see the light at the moment: I prayed for love. My God listens. My God is faithful.

Therefore I will proceed. And to my dear friend, I know you're angry. I know it's painful. I know it's corny to tell you to hold on to our God. But He's saved you before. Ask Him to save you again. Because as much as I want to, I can't save you. And we both know that whatever I do will hurt you. I will persevere. I will do my best. But it's not going to amount to much. Only your Creator can reach down that deep and soothe the hurt in your heart. I can't do it. I pray and wish and hope that we can be good friends again. That I can have your love as a friend. Because right now, I am afraid that since I've rejected that type of affection from you, you would only either give me that type of affection nonetheless, or withhold all affection from me. Forgive me for my actions. Knowing me, I would still probably continue to end up doing things that would hurt you. But just because I spend less time being with you doesn't mean I don't love you. When I'm not in good terms with my sister, I ignore her. But that doesn't mean I've stopped loving her. Know that my action is brought about by panic and confusion. But please know that in my heart, I do love you dearly as a close and treasured friend no matter what.

I entrust you now to the God I serve. May He heal your heart. May He send you soon a nice sensible girl who will love you well. He sometimes uses mud to do His miracles, but you know after everything, the miracle will still happen.

Love

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV)

And we come full circle, Lord. It goes back to love. Forgive me, Lord. I had started giving up again. I had started pulling away because I can't control the situation and I feel helpless and tired. I love my friend, Lord. But I shouldn't be easily angered. I should always persevere. Even if it's frustrating. And I should always hope. And I do hope, Lord, that one day, we'll be friends again. 'Til that day, Lord, I lift him up to You. And I lay myself at Your feet, Lord. In Jesus' Name, help me, my God. If You are teaching me to love, Lord, thank You. But give me clear instructions as to what to do. I am floundering, Lord. I'm doggy-paddling my way around. And I don't even know if where I'm going is right. Lead me, Lord. I need Your instruction. I relinquish my holds, Lord. Here is my friend. Here is Komikasi. I have used them as my anchor long enough. You are my anchor. Teach me what to do, Lord.

He Will Make Straight Your Paths

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5, 6 NIV)

Lord,

I have been taking things into my own hands again. This thing with him, I have been trying to fix on my own, using my own powers. Lord, I'm sorry. Here. I relinquish control. It's not like I was ever in control anyway. I got so tired, Lord. I slept ten hours! But fine, Lord, if You wish to take him away from me and Komikasi, do so. I relinquish my hold.

Do Not Return to Your Vomit

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1 NIV)

Dear Lord,

It was also taught in church last Sunday not to return to one's own vomit. You have set me free, and yet sometimes I find myself wanting to return to the life I had already left behind. There's something comfortable about it. It's not that I'm afraid to leave it, but I don't know what to replace it with.

Lord, today is the first day of work for the year. Bless the day, Lord. Bless my people and all our clients and suppliers. Thank you for the past year. This I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen.