My Doubts, My Fears

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18 NIV)

My God, my God,

I have been sinning in my mind. And that is because I have been looking for comfort. Lord, forgive me in this weakness of mine. But I will not hide anything from You. Here, Lord, I bare myself to You. I sought comfort elsewhere because I couldn't find Your comfort. I am afraid because I am afraid You would not be able to save me. My Pastors would think I'm blasphemous for saying it. And my small group leader would tell me that I have to pray and have faith. And my brother would admonish me for not seeing the little miracles You've given me until now. But there, Lord, that is the truth. I don't know if You'll pull through for me.

The miracles seem to be always for other people. And instead of feeling loved, I feel bad about myself for not feeling Your love. I feel like such a bad Christian for not trusting You enough. But there You have it, Lord. The truth without any sugarcoats. I believe You exist. I believe You have a hand in my life and everything will be fine in the end. But what about the now? I want to believe, Lord. I want to feel loved by You, Lord. But I don't know how to cast out this fear. I have sapped my family dry. All I want is to be a good CEO to my people. But I couldn't even get my clients to pay on time. How can I pay the salaries and the bills? Everyone tells me The Lord will pull through for You. Then why am I buried in debt? Why couldn't I even pay my people's social security on time? My rent hasn't been paid yet, and it's incurring penalty as we speak. The check I paid for my taxes last month bounced, and I still haven't replaced it yet. And the bills for the month have started coming in again. And I need an enormous amount of money for separation pay for two people for the coming 15th. People tell me not to look at my problems but Lord, I can't help it. I am afraid. I am afraid the due dates will come and the clients still haven't paid yet. Where am I supposed to get the money? I have no resources left. My credit cards are almost maxed out, I can't loan anymore because I have existing loans already. I have sucked my family dry. And I feel so alone. The responsibilities seem overwhelmingly big and there's only me.

I don't have the perfect love You speak of, Lord. I wish in my heart for a great miracle, even though the people around me seem to think I have no business asking for it. But Lord, pull through for me. Help me with my finances. And change my heart, too. That I can rejoice in any circumstance, as You've been telling me to do. But on my own, Lord, I am powerless. I cannot fight the fear. I have this doubt that I cannot overcome on my own.