Picking Myself Up

My King,

Forgive me. You have not remained silent in my darkness. Only, I did not want to acknowledge it because Your answers were not the answers to my questions. But even so, they are the answers I need. I just didn't want to hear them. I just didn't want to acknowledge them at the time because what I wanted was comfort and not instruction. You are my God. Do as You please. And I will do as You have commanded. Rejoice, You said. For that is Your will. And again, today, You say it. Rejoice. With my pledge to serve You comes the crucifixion of the flesh, You said. Choose the spirit over the flesh, You said. But Lord, You know how difficult this is for me. My Lord, I asked You to teach me how to be happy, and You tell me to be happy. Rejoice. Lord...

Calm the raging monster within me. It is seeking to devour again.


Your raven

A Plea

Dear Lord,

The darkness is closing in again. Why show me things I don't want to see? Why let me know things I don't want to know? Until when will you leave me in my tomb, Lord? You said my tomb will open. You said if I believed, Lord, you'd show me Your glory. You said not to fret. But, Lord, it's so hard! Throw me something, Lord. I just need to know You're there. That You have things under control. That You haven't forgotten me. I wish no one ill. Just tell me everything will be fine, and I will believe You. Just tell me, Lord. I need to hear it at this point in time. Forgive me if this is an indication of a lack of faith. But I just need to be told, Lord. What is a little message to You?


Seeking Your comfort,

Your raven

Natural Fashion in African Tribes

While waiting for my turn at the dentist, I read in a magazine about the Surma and Mursi Tribes of Ethiopia. And I was fascinated with their body paint and decorations. Below are pictures by Hans Silvester. I encourage you to buy his book. This would be a wonderful collection at home. I, myself, am thinking of getting myself a copy.

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These tribes take natural fashion to a whole new level. But I find it beautiful. They're like... a whole new different creature. A whole new different being.

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It's lovely. It brings to mind Miyazaki and forests and unearthly things. And it's inspiring me to draw, to create, and to dream up of stories. Wonderful, wonderful stories.

Dream Without Fear

Somebody once told me it's better not to expect. Then when something wonderful happens, it's more surprising and, therefore, better. But I disagree. It's not better. I like surprises. But a surprise you don't even have a dream of is short lived. It's not as valuable. You're not craving for it. They're nice, but a dream-come-true is a treasure compared to it.

Don't take what as I say as law. When it comes to matters of the heart (and it is the heart that dreams), everything is case-to-case.

To dream, to wish, to expect something magical to happen is something I cannot stop, and I pray to God I never will. I say this as one thing because what I usually do is a combination of all three. I dream-wish-expect wonderful things to happen frequently. But to do that means to set myself up for disappointment, I was told. Yes, that's true. I've been disappointed many times before. But so what? Most disappointments are also opportunities. Do the disappointments hurt? Of course. I have cried countless times over rejection letters, frustrations and heartbreak. But to me, to not expect, to not wish, to not dream, is to be afraid. And that's not how I want to live my life.

Also, to dream is to nurture ideas. You play with them. You take them places you normally can't in real life. You build worlds for them. You build scenarios for them. You fall in love with them, which leads you to wish. If only this were real in real life. If only this would happen. If only... Then you realize, it can be true. I can not, but it also can. Suddenly, the impossible turns into an improbable. But that's a foot in reality already. You look around for technologies, opportunities, and possibilities. And later, you realize, it can be done. It can happen. And you expect that if you do certain things, or you try hard enough, it will actually happen.

And then it fails.

And it devastates you.

And you cry.

And then you pick yourself up and try again. And then eventually, some of your dreams will come true. And after the first dream-come-true, the second becomes less impossible.

Who Says My God Has No Sense of Humor?

Me: O Lord, I thank You for all the opportunities. You're taking Komikasi further than I imagined we could go at this point in time. It's just a bit overwhelming, Lord. See? I'm having falling hair because of the stress.

Him (via my morning devotionals): Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs on your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows. -Luke 12:6-7

She Considers a Field...

She considers a field and buys it; From her profits she plants a vineyard.
-Proverbs 31:16

She considers a field. Before buying it, she has to consider. Can I handle it? Can I maintain the quality of my other work if I buy this? In my case, can I maintain the quality of my other projects if I take these jobs? I have to consider these. I need to maintain, and even improve, the quality of the work of this little empire entrusted to me. My people work hard. But if I overwhelm them, their quality could go down. And this is not good for our clients, not good for the empire, and not good for the people under my care. I have to consider carefully before bidding for new projects. Anyway, from her profits she plants a vineyard. From our profits, we will plant a new studio. A bigger one. A better one. And we'll be able to take in more projects then. We will plant our vineyard, dear people. Soon. By the Will of the God we serve, very soon.

Broken Shoes and Melon Candies

On March 1, 2012, I gave a talk on Building Game Worlds at La Salle University Ozamis. This was my third talk this year, and my first trip. My talk was at eight in the morning, and I was a bit concerned about people showing up at such an early time. Many of my students at the College of Saint Benilde came in an hour late when I used to have 8am classes. But to my surprise, the auditorium was just about filled to its 200-people capacity. Some of the attendees had come from as far as Bukidnon for the conference. I had given talks to bigger crowds before. The Y4IT Conference at the University of the Philippines two years ago had a crowd of about two thousand. But here in Ozamis, it was my first time to give a seminar-workshop to a group of this size.

Thankfully, the talk went quite well. The students seem interested. One of the participants even had this in this notes:

But all the while, I was battling not to feel very conscious about something... My shoe had broken. And I could see some of the students looking at it! I couldn't very well leave the university to go buy new shoes in the middle of the 3-hour workshop. And no super glue was in sight. So I had to ignore my smiling shoe and pretend I hadn't noticed. I thought it more prudent than to go, "Oh look, my shoe broke!" to the entire assembly.

But the workshop went well. I was spent, though. I made it a point to check each table and answer all their questions. And I found that the most effective way to make a group enthusiastic is to be enthusiastic yourself. That took a lot of energy, though. But I think it was worth it. If even just half of the assembly learned something, it would be worth it.

After the talk, I went back to the hotel and had lunch. After lunch, I went to the department store nearby and bought myself a pair of sandals to replace my damaged shoes. They didn't have a lot to choose from, but I found something decent. So I went to pay for my purchase. My change was supposed to be P20.25. And this is what they gave me:

And I was, "This is vaguely familiar."

All in all, it was a good day. It's not over yet, though. We're going to a beach resort tonight for Socials Night (yes, as part of the 3rd ICT Convention), where the guest speakers would choose the King and Queen of the night.

Lord, thank You for all this. It's an experience.