Open Your Eyes

Lord, so that's what You meant by "Open your eyes." My eyes were closed. I didn't go out and have a relationship with people. I merely saw them as a collection of attributes. I saw them as brands, benefits, what they can do for my company. I didn't see them as people, precious creations of Yours. Forgive me. I gave little value to what You have created. I'm sorry. But thank You for opening my eyes. For giving me this revelation, this realization. You have cut my chains, Lord.

Flight

I wanted to fly so badly. But I looked and saw that my mother was chained. She could try to fly, but there was nowhere to escape to. And at this point, I don't think she has any strength or will to fly. I wanted to touch her, but knew it would not give her comfort. I wanted to speak words that would lift her, but my words have no power. The only thing I knew would set her free was if I purchased the chain cutter that was strong enough to cut the chains. But I don't have enough money. My Lord, my Savior, O Wise and Holy One, what must be done?

When we are persecuted, we endure it

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8, 9 NIV)

I was angry. So angry. I was frustrated, even with my God, because I couldn't understand what He wanted from me, why He would put me through this over and over. I felt stagnant and stuck. I wanted to break free but I didn't know how. I wanted to expand my circles but I felt stuck with the cares of work.

But then I realized something. If, indeed, I had acknowledged Christ as Lord, then I follow Him wherever He wants to take me. If your King takes you to battle, you follow. If He takes you to the swamps to go hunting, you follow. If He takes you to the edge of a cliff over and over and over, you follow anyway because He's your King. And you have pledged allegiance to your King. You have given your oath to follow him. So follow him, you should.

The most difficult things to follow are His instructions to not worry. Agh. This is a humility issue. It's so hard, but, O God, give me the strength.

We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; (1 Corinthians 4:12 NIV)

Breaking Free

Lord, the darkness is taking me again. I know that even if I dislike admitting it, I'm human and I falter. But I'm unforgiving. And I'm most unforgiving to myself. I've set such a high standard on myself that when I fail, it's so hard to forgive myself. And since I feel bad about myself, I bite people's heads off. You know, I'm thinking the reason why I don't want to see my ex again is not because I'm still hurt. I'm not even in pain anymore. I haven't been in a long time. No, it's because I don't want to be reminded of my failure. I hate failing.

I feel stuck. I want to get out. I want to break free. I wish I could go away for a while. Live abroad, travel the world for a year or so. But You, Lord, said no. I think that's to make me strong. But I don't want to have to be strong all the time. I want someone to take care of me every now and then. A friend asked what kind of guy I wanted. I couldn't answer properly then. But I said I wanted someone who would take care of me. When I say take care, I mean financially, and also that he would protect me from having to face certain things myself. I want him to take charge and protect me emotionally, too. But I'm tired, Lord. So tired. I wish someone would comfort me. But everyone seems to see me as this strong woman who needs no comforting. I want to be taken care of for a change. I want to not be the one who has to solve the problem for a change. The fact that I don't know what to do to "get out there" frustrates me. I want to break free but I don't know how.

Lord, I am stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it. Help me, Lord, I implore You. Give me the full life You have promised. Change my mind and my heart. Open my eyes and my ears. Break this glass box I'm in and help me break free, Lord! Help me, help me, help me, Dear Father! Help me break free!

Plea

My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word. (Psalm 119:28 NIV)

A General Darkness

It's Friday night. I'm wearing my new Spider-Man T-shirt, a cute red plaid skirt, and my favorite wedges... And I'm home, sitting alone on the floor of my room absently stroking the cat beside me. I am punishing myself.

My emotions have been so volatile lately, it's annoying. And today, I raised my voice against people I shouldn't be raising my voice to. This lack of self-control frustrates me. And makes me angrier than I already am. I know these thoughts are unbiblical. I know these thoughts should be rebuked and defeated. 

But the truth is I am angry. I am angry because I feel lost. My dreams and passions once roared with life, consumed me to the point of obsession. Now, nothing takes me that strongly or very long. And that makes me feel lost. My eyes used to see clearly the goal. Now, i don't even have a story to put me to sleep. The weeks go by so quickly. And I cannot help but just be carried off by its speed. It's like I have no control, and I'm just being swept away by the currents of time, my actions dictated only by routine and reaction. I feel overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done. But who else is there to blame but myself? I have too much on my plate, but at the same time, it's all so routine. But while it's routine, it's all going so fast! Socialize? I'm too tired just getting work done. Yes, I do delegate. No, I cannot afford more people.

I am angry because my friends are right that I haven't even been trying to meet new people. And that maybe I'm using work as a security blanket. Yes, I am affected. Do I want to break free from this? Of course, I do. But I have no idea how, and that frustrates me. It's so easy for them to say, socialize, go out more! Go out where?! Go out with whom?! Go travel by yourself and meet people. Cost, people! I run a business and it's almost Christmas! Easy for you to say that because you don't have to worry about 13th month pays and payrolls! Then, in the country, or even in the city. Dude! That doesn't work! Certainly not with my personality! 

I told a friend that two years ago, I could step in a room and be the most beautiful girl in the room. I can't do that anymore. He said, I could but I'm just too afraid. Maybe. Yes, I guess part of me is afraid. But I have tried to get over it. I have been to social functions. But once I step in there, a dark feeling just envelopes me saying, "What's the point? It's all a lie anyway." And my heart sinks and I stop projecting beauty. That is why I cannot do it anymore. Some friends would tell me, "rebuke it! That's the enemy speaking!" I can't. I try but I can't. I try reasoning with myself, but the small voice doesn't disappear. And so the only thing I can do now is keep praying that God will prove me wrong. I want to be proven wrong in this case. I want to believe that not all men are lying selfish cowards. I want to be fine already and go meet new people, and maybe even date again! But I can't shake the thought. I talked to a friend about men, and he basically said, yes, men are jerks. But I just had to understand that men are like that. That's it? Is that all life has to offer? I refuse to believe that! I don't want to accept that! I want to hold on to the promise that a certain Man died so that I can live life to the full, and that a full life doesn't mean a life where I had to just accept the fact that men were weaklings who couldn't face their dragons, especially when their princesses were their dragons. The stories of friends around me support the statement men are jerks. But God, God! Prove me wrong!