Breaking Free

Lord, the darkness is taking me again. I know that even if I dislike admitting it, I'm human and I falter. But I'm unforgiving. And I'm most unforgiving to myself. I've set such a high standard on myself that when I fail, it's so hard to forgive myself. And since I feel bad about myself, I bite people's heads off. You know, I'm thinking the reason why I don't want to see my ex again is not because I'm still hurt. I'm not even in pain anymore. I haven't been in a long time. No, it's because I don't want to be reminded of my failure. I hate failing.

I feel stuck. I want to get out. I want to break free. I wish I could go away for a while. Live abroad, travel the world for a year or so. But You, Lord, said no. I think that's to make me strong. But I don't want to have to be strong all the time. I want someone to take care of me every now and then. A friend asked what kind of guy I wanted. I couldn't answer properly then. But I said I wanted someone who would take care of me. When I say take care, I mean financially, and also that he would protect me from having to face certain things myself. I want him to take charge and protect me emotionally, too. But I'm tired, Lord. So tired. I wish someone would comfort me. But everyone seems to see me as this strong woman who needs no comforting. I want to be taken care of for a change. I want to not be the one who has to solve the problem for a change. The fact that I don't know what to do to "get out there" frustrates me. I want to break free but I don't know how.

Lord, I am stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it. Help me, Lord, I implore You. Give me the full life You have promised. Change my mind and my heart. Open my eyes and my ears. Break this glass box I'm in and help me break free, Lord! Help me, help me, help me, Dear Father! Help me break free!