My emotions have been so volatile lately, it's annoying. And today, I raised my voice against people I shouldn't be raising my voice to. This lack of self-control frustrates me. And makes me angrier than I already am. I know these thoughts are unbiblical. I know these thoughts should be rebuked and defeated.
But the truth is I am angry. I am angry because I feel lost. My dreams and passions once roared with life, consumed me to the point of obsession. Now, nothing takes me that strongly or very long. And that makes me feel lost. My eyes used to see clearly the goal. Now, i don't even have a story to put me to sleep. The weeks go by so quickly. And I cannot help but just be carried off by its speed. It's like I have no control, and I'm just being swept away by the currents of time, my actions dictated only by routine and reaction. I feel overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done. But who else is there to blame but myself? I have too much on my plate, but at the same time, it's all so routine. But while it's routine, it's all going so fast! Socialize? I'm too tired just getting work done. Yes, I do delegate. No, I cannot afford more people.
I am angry because my friends are right that I haven't even been trying to meet new people. And that maybe I'm using work as a security blanket. Yes, I am affected. Do I want to break free from this? Of course, I do. But I have no idea how, and that frustrates me. It's so easy for them to say, socialize, go out more! Go out where?! Go out with whom?! Go travel by yourself and meet people. Cost, people! I run a business and it's almost Christmas! Easy for you to say that because you don't have to worry about 13th month pays and payrolls! Then, in the country, or even in the city. Dude! That doesn't work! Certainly not with my personality!
I told a friend that two years ago, I could step in a room and be the most beautiful girl in the room. I can't do that anymore. He said, I could but I'm just too afraid. Maybe. Yes, I guess part of me is afraid. But I have tried to get over it. I have been to social functions. But once I step in there, a dark feeling just envelopes me saying, "What's the point? It's all a lie anyway." And my heart sinks and I stop projecting beauty. That is why I cannot do it anymore. Some friends would tell me, "rebuke it! That's the enemy speaking!" I can't. I try but I can't. I try reasoning with myself, but the small voice doesn't disappear. And so the only thing I can do now is keep praying that God will prove me wrong. I want to be proven wrong in this case. I want to believe that not all men are lying selfish cowards. I want to be fine already and go meet new people, and maybe even date again! But I can't shake the thought. I talked to a friend about men, and he basically said, yes, men are jerks. But I just had to understand that men are like that. That's it? Is that all life has to offer? I refuse to believe that! I don't want to accept that! I want to hold on to the promise that a certain Man died so that I can live life to the full, and that a full life doesn't mean a life where I had to just accept the fact that men were weaklings who couldn't face their dragons, especially when their princesses were their dragons. The stories of friends around me support the statement men are jerks. But God, God! Prove me wrong!
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