They are New Every Morning

Because of the Lord ’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22, 23 NIV)

This was the same verse that was spoken in church last Sunday. And now it has come up in this morning's devotional, too.The Lord is compassionate. His compassions are new every morning. The Lord is faithful. His compassions will never fail.

Dear Lord,

Happy New Year! You are a loving and compassionate God. I know that in whatever I'm going through, You will be there, and You will save me because You are a kind and loving God who has compassion for His people. Every morning, Your love is renewed. Father, I want to emulate You. Renew my love for the people You have placed around me every morning. Teach me to be compassionate towards Your creations. I am human, and my love and compassion toward people fail all the time. But You are my Heavenly Father. You, I will follow.

Grace

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV)

Lord, I am weak. I have no strength. I am afraid. I feel evil and ignorant. I feel like they don't understand me or my apprehensions. They see no problem. I am freaking out for reasons they cannot understand. "Don't you want to be loved?" I don't know what to do. I don't even know what exactly to pray for. I don't have any explanation for my fears. But I am afraid of loss. I am afraid of my inadequacies and how it destroys and hurts even if that is not my intention. Because he's the last person person I'd like to hurt.

I am weak, Lord. I am helpless. I have no power to do anything. Because whatever I do will hurt him. I am sad and alone, he is hurt. I am happy and with someone, he is hurt. I hide that I've gone out with someone, he is hurt. I let him know things, he is hurt. I hide things from him, he is hurt. I treat him as a comrade, he is hurt. I ignore him, he is hurt. I get close to him, he is hurt. Lord, he is a good man, undeserving of this torment that he is in. His courage has to be rewarded, not punished. But I can do nothing because he's in turmoil because of me! Evil, ignorant, unkind me.

Be kind to him, Lord. Heal his broken heart. Take him into Your arms and tell him it will be okay. Tell him You will reward his courage. Tell him he need not encase his heart in ice. Tell him he need not wear that armor of pain. Tell him that everything will be fine. Tell him that he is loved, because he doesn't hear me. Give him a kind sensible woman, Lord. One who would appreciate his gifts and take very good care of his heart.

And Lord, give me Your grace. For again, I feel lost and adrift with my bruised and battered heart. Dark. Cold. Unbeating.

How God Answers Whining

The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord , for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord , but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.” The Lord said to him, “Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram. Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet. Jehu will put to death any who escape the sword of Hazael, and Elisha will put to death any who escape the sword of Jehu. Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.” (1 Kings 19:11, 13-18 NIV)

Sometimes, especially when we're whining, God will make us do things first. Then after the instructions have been followed, that is when you see the big picture.

Utter Darkness

Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness, prisoners suffering in iron chains, because they rebelled against God’s commands and despised the plans of the Most High. So he subjected them to bitter labor; they stumbled, and there was no one to help. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron. (Psalm 107:10-16 NIV)

Fly

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. (Psalm 91:4 NIV)

Open Your Eyes

Lord, so that's what You meant by "Open your eyes." My eyes were closed. I didn't go out and have a relationship with people. I merely saw them as a collection of attributes. I saw them as brands, benefits, what they can do for my company. I didn't see them as people, precious creations of Yours. Forgive me. I gave little value to what You have created. I'm sorry. But thank You for opening my eyes. For giving me this revelation, this realization. You have cut my chains, Lord.

Flight

I wanted to fly so badly. But I looked and saw that my mother was chained. She could try to fly, but there was nowhere to escape to. And at this point, I don't think she has any strength or will to fly. I wanted to touch her, but knew it would not give her comfort. I wanted to speak words that would lift her, but my words have no power. The only thing I knew would set her free was if I purchased the chain cutter that was strong enough to cut the chains. But I don't have enough money. My Lord, my Savior, O Wise and Holy One, what must be done?

When we are persecuted, we endure it

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8, 9 NIV)

I was angry. So angry. I was frustrated, even with my God, because I couldn't understand what He wanted from me, why He would put me through this over and over. I felt stagnant and stuck. I wanted to break free but I didn't know how. I wanted to expand my circles but I felt stuck with the cares of work.

But then I realized something. If, indeed, I had acknowledged Christ as Lord, then I follow Him wherever He wants to take me. If your King takes you to battle, you follow. If He takes you to the swamps to go hunting, you follow. If He takes you to the edge of a cliff over and over and over, you follow anyway because He's your King. And you have pledged allegiance to your King. You have given your oath to follow him. So follow him, you should.

The most difficult things to follow are His instructions to not worry. Agh. This is a humility issue. It's so hard, but, O God, give me the strength.

We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; (1 Corinthians 4:12 NIV)

Breaking Free

Lord, the darkness is taking me again. I know that even if I dislike admitting it, I'm human and I falter. But I'm unforgiving. And I'm most unforgiving to myself. I've set such a high standard on myself that when I fail, it's so hard to forgive myself. And since I feel bad about myself, I bite people's heads off. You know, I'm thinking the reason why I don't want to see my ex again is not because I'm still hurt. I'm not even in pain anymore. I haven't been in a long time. No, it's because I don't want to be reminded of my failure. I hate failing.

I feel stuck. I want to get out. I want to break free. I wish I could go away for a while. Live abroad, travel the world for a year or so. But You, Lord, said no. I think that's to make me strong. But I don't want to have to be strong all the time. I want someone to take care of me every now and then. A friend asked what kind of guy I wanted. I couldn't answer properly then. But I said I wanted someone who would take care of me. When I say take care, I mean financially, and also that he would protect me from having to face certain things myself. I want him to take charge and protect me emotionally, too. But I'm tired, Lord. So tired. I wish someone would comfort me. But everyone seems to see me as this strong woman who needs no comforting. I want to be taken care of for a change. I want to not be the one who has to solve the problem for a change. The fact that I don't know what to do to "get out there" frustrates me. I want to break free but I don't know how.

Lord, I am stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it. Help me, Lord, I implore You. Give me the full life You have promised. Change my mind and my heart. Open my eyes and my ears. Break this glass box I'm in and help me break free, Lord! Help me, help me, help me, Dear Father! Help me break free!

Plea

My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word. (Psalm 119:28 NIV)

A General Darkness

It's Friday night. I'm wearing my new Spider-Man T-shirt, a cute red plaid skirt, and my favorite wedges... And I'm home, sitting alone on the floor of my room absently stroking the cat beside me. I am punishing myself.

My emotions have been so volatile lately, it's annoying. And today, I raised my voice against people I shouldn't be raising my voice to. This lack of self-control frustrates me. And makes me angrier than I already am. I know these thoughts are unbiblical. I know these thoughts should be rebuked and defeated. 

But the truth is I am angry. I am angry because I feel lost. My dreams and passions once roared with life, consumed me to the point of obsession. Now, nothing takes me that strongly or very long. And that makes me feel lost. My eyes used to see clearly the goal. Now, i don't even have a story to put me to sleep. The weeks go by so quickly. And I cannot help but just be carried off by its speed. It's like I have no control, and I'm just being swept away by the currents of time, my actions dictated only by routine and reaction. I feel overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done. But who else is there to blame but myself? I have too much on my plate, but at the same time, it's all so routine. But while it's routine, it's all going so fast! Socialize? I'm too tired just getting work done. Yes, I do delegate. No, I cannot afford more people.

I am angry because my friends are right that I haven't even been trying to meet new people. And that maybe I'm using work as a security blanket. Yes, I am affected. Do I want to break free from this? Of course, I do. But I have no idea how, and that frustrates me. It's so easy for them to say, socialize, go out more! Go out where?! Go out with whom?! Go travel by yourself and meet people. Cost, people! I run a business and it's almost Christmas! Easy for you to say that because you don't have to worry about 13th month pays and payrolls! Then, in the country, or even in the city. Dude! That doesn't work! Certainly not with my personality! 

I told a friend that two years ago, I could step in a room and be the most beautiful girl in the room. I can't do that anymore. He said, I could but I'm just too afraid. Maybe. Yes, I guess part of me is afraid. But I have tried to get over it. I have been to social functions. But once I step in there, a dark feeling just envelopes me saying, "What's the point? It's all a lie anyway." And my heart sinks and I stop projecting beauty. That is why I cannot do it anymore. Some friends would tell me, "rebuke it! That's the enemy speaking!" I can't. I try but I can't. I try reasoning with myself, but the small voice doesn't disappear. And so the only thing I can do now is keep praying that God will prove me wrong. I want to be proven wrong in this case. I want to believe that not all men are lying selfish cowards. I want to be fine already and go meet new people, and maybe even date again! But I can't shake the thought. I talked to a friend about men, and he basically said, yes, men are jerks. But I just had to understand that men are like that. That's it? Is that all life has to offer? I refuse to believe that! I don't want to accept that! I want to hold on to the promise that a certain Man died so that I can live life to the full, and that a full life doesn't mean a life where I had to just accept the fact that men were weaklings who couldn't face their dragons, especially when their princesses were their dragons. The stories of friends around me support the statement men are jerks. But God, God! Prove me wrong! 

Clothe Yourselves With These

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. (Colossians 3:12 NIV)

Compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. These are the five things I'd like to learn for myself, as a sort of gift to myself. It's not very easy since I spent most of my younger years being more concerned with the project over the people. I was proud and arrogant. And I was very impatient. I'm not gentle at all. I'm very direct, and I'm more concerned about getting the message to the listener quickly rather than getting it to them in a way that is gentle. I'm very impatient and I dislike beating around the bush. I find it a waste of time.

But I am attracted to kindness. And I'd like to learn to be kind.

Faithful

Another thing you do: You flood the Lord's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. 

Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. "The man who hates and divorces his wife," says the Lord, the God of Israel, "does violence to the one he should protect," says the Lord Almighty. 

So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful. (Malachi 2:13-16 NIV)

Lord, I pray for the people of my generation and the generation of my children and grandchildren. May there be a rise of strong faithful men. Our media is very questionable these days. Movies like "The Mistress" are hits. And actually, women being unfaithful may also be on the rise. Lord I pray for all of us in our generation, and especially the generation after us. Teach us to be faithful.

Equip Me

Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.  

Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. (Hebrews 13:1, 2, 20, 21 NIV)

Dear Lord, I pray, please equip me with every good thing to do Your will. Please work in me what is pleasing to You. Teach me to love. Teach me to be kind.

Lord, I may be too direct, and I don't notice it most of the time. It probably drives people away. Lord, how do I do this? It's not like I purposely do it to make people uncomfortable. I just go straight to the point. And like I said, I don't even notice it most of the time. I don't want to drive people away, Lord.

I had a dream last night. He came back. I shouldn't be dreaming of this anymore. I don't want the feeling of elation when he puts his arm around me because it's always followed by the sinking feeling that it's not going to last. That when the problems come, he will leave.

Lord, I don't want to think like this. I want to believe that there is good in man. That there is a man out there for me who is loyal, who would fight for me, whose hugs and kisses and words are true. Seeing that, experiencing that, having a man like that, would be one of the great and rare wonders of this world. And I pray for that, Lord. I pray fervently and deeply for that.

Idols

"Those who cling to worthless idols
turn away from God's love for them. (Jonah 2:8 NIV)

Lord, are there any idols in my life I need to get rid of? Lord, set my heart right.

Act Justly, Love Mercy

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8 NIV)

Guard my heart, O Lord, and teach me to act justly and to love mercy. Change my mind, O God, that what I think and imagine will be pleasing to You. Forgive me for thinking myself better than others. Forgive me for speaking ill of people. Mold my heart, Lord, that I will be pleasing to You. And teach me, Lord, to lead my people that we will be Your people and You will be our God. And we will create to bring You glory and honor and praise.

This I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen.

Ramblings at 3 in the Morning

Lord. you said that my delighting in a person is a gift from You. It is something that should not be abhorred or shut off. And I like it, Lord. I thank You for the gift. It's just that sometimes I can't help but wish for more, and since that cannot be, my tendency is to shut it off. Forgive me. I guess I just didn't know how to deal with these things. It's not exactly something your parents teach. But You have been kind to me. And have taken away the squeezing in my heart. I thank You, Lord.

I saw him recently. And, Lord! The room suddenly lit up! And the next day, I was teetering between happiness and despair. But happiness was winning. :)

I've only told one friend of him. I seem to be embarrassed to admit that I admire someone. My friend says it's normal. And that I'm weird for being embarrassed. My pastor says (though not directly to me) not to give up. And I am torn between wanting to see him and wanting to shut him off completely.

Ah, Lord. I need to get out more and see other people. It does not do to pine after someone like this. There are days when I question if I am indeed beautiful, as some people say I am. Or if they are just saying that because they're friends of mine, or because they're Christian. Or if it really matters if I'm beautiful or not. Most likely, it doesn't. Well, I suppose it does, but not that much in this case. Ah, but I thank You for my looks anyway. If I am indeed beautiful, at the very least, even if it doesn't attract anyone, if seeing a pleasant face makes someone's day, then that's something to be grateful about. And it's good for business.

Listen to me, Lord. I sound like a high schooler. Why? How do you deal with these things anyway? I've always thought, and so that's what I've always done, that if you can't have someone you like, you shut him off and move on. You still have a world to change and so you don't have time to be lovesick. But I've been told recently that doing that locks away part of your heart. And that if I continue doing that, I will lose my heart completely. And it almost happened recently, remember? I felt like my heart had holes because it couldn't retain any good feeling. Turns out, it was missing pieces. And I had to go back into my past to retrieve the missing pieces... Only to have my heart pulled in a crush again.

But Lord, this is infinitely better than the state I was in. So, I thank You for pulling me out of that pit. I just want to deal with this correctly this time. I like someone. I cannot have him given current circumstances. I have a business to run, so I can't let heart issues get to me. I must not lose hope. I must not worry. I must not shut him off. But I will not pine for him.

There.

And now, here is my heart, Lord. You choose the man. I'll just concentrate on making great games.

Lord, I can't sleep. It's 3 in the morning. But I'm very happy for today, Lord. The team we love has asked for us back.

I Will Not Be Mastered by Anything

"I have the right to do anything," you say—but not everything is beneficial. "I have the right to do anything"—but I will not be mastered by anything. (1 Corinthians 6:12 NIV)

Someone asked Ganns Dean, a Christian Misic Blogger, if it was alright to listen to K-Pop. He used the passage above in his answer. And I've only recently started to understand this. For most religious people, rules govern their actions. But it shouldn't be that way. You put rules in the beginning. But as the human race grows older and understands better, it has become clear that our actions should really be governed by the heart. And the rules now become relative to a person.

I'm not saying, follow your heart. No, the heart is deceitful. But listen to it and judge. A friend of mine said that whenever she looks at the billboards on Edsa, she starts to have sexual fantasies when she sees near-naked men on the ads. So whenever she passes Edsa, she does her best not to look at the billboards. I have no such compulsion when I look at the Bench billboards. But for me, some Animes consume me to the point of obsession. In my case, that's the thing I have to be careful about.

I think this same rule applies to men and relationships, too. I can get married. I can want a man. But he cannot be my world.

Lord, I lift to You my heart. I want a man, Lord. No, I want the man. The right man who would love me and who I would love. And I entrust that concern to You. But guard my heart, Lord, that I will not be overly concerned with finding him. In fact, won't You send him to me, Lord, so that I don't have to look for him? And bless this heart and these hands as I go about Your business, Lord. After all, You've given me this company to run. And You've given me the desire in my heart to change the world. May I do good work, Lord, that Your Name will be glorified.

This I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen.

In Whatever Situation

Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. (1 Corinthians 7:17 NIV)

As a single woman, as the owner of a relatively young business, as a creator, You've seen my struggles, Lord. And you know how many times I've tried to escape, thinking a change in my situation would solve the problem. But You've shown me it's going to be the same in any situation I'm in. That the problem is not the situation, but how I deal with it. I have to learn to be happy, to be content in whatever situation You put me in. Because if I step back and just look at it, You've put me in pretty wonderful situations.

I am single, at an age when I have some disposable income, some time to spare, and wonderful friends and siblings to hangout with. At an age when airfare is affordable. In a place where domestic travel is good. As a person who writes and enjoys seeing nature, experiencing culture, and eating. And with some amount of influence that my posting things about my travels and experiences can spur others to take trips, too; inspire or make them imagine; or at the very least, smile when they see photos of beautiful places. I am mobile enough to start projects that can change the world. I am free enough to move around, see things, cause things, enjoy things without the responsibility of making sure my children and husband are well-fed. This is the season I am in. What am I doing?

I run a business. I make games. How cool is that?! Don't worry about the payroll. God promised He would prosper the business. Many times, He repeats that promise. And hasn't He proven that again and again? So why fret every time clients pay late? He never left me before. What makes me think He'd leave me now? What, He suddenly got tired of saving me? God doesn't get tired. I run it with the best of my abilities. God will do the rest. After all, He didn't say I would make it prosper. He said He would prosper it. I am in an industry that speaks the language of the current generation. I am in an industry that is open to the whole world. I get to travel and meet cool people from companies I only used to dream of meeting. What am I doing?

I can write. I can do comics. I can do games. I am updated when it comes to the stories and technologies in animation. I have experience in advergaming. I know in my heart and head that if I want to change the world, it's actually not textbooks that would do it. It is fiction. I have stories. I have dreams. I may be a little rusty, but if I get back into it, I know I can produce good work. I am a jack. I learn quickly. And if there are new trends in the creative industry, I can learn them. I am an activator. I get things started. I may not be very good at finishing things, but I can either employ the help of friends my God has so generously given me, or produce faster. Either way, the secret to finishing is to get my energy from Him and not me. It can be done. What am I doing?

Lord, I have to reflect on these things. Before I can change the world, Lord, change my mind. Change the way I see. Change the way my heart meditates. Light a candle in my heart to see what my mind can already see. Teach me to care. Teach me to love.

And Lord, Christmas is coming. I volunteer this heart and these hands. What is Your plan, Lord? I want in.

I Will Show Wonders

"And afterward,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your old men will dream dreams,
your young men will see visions. Even on my servants, both men and women,
I will pour out my Spirit in those days. I will show wonders in the heavens
and on the earth,
blood and fire and billows of smoke. (Joel 2:28-30 NIV)

Lord, my God, pour out Your Spirit in me. Show me wonders. I want to be awed by You. I miss the feeling of being overwhelmed with the beauty or the greatness of something. It is in those moments that I realize how small I am and how big and wonderful and unfathomably all-knowing my God is. You've created so many great things. There are phenomena on this earth that are so excitingly mind-boggling! Lord, I long to feel awed again. I think I'm becoming jaded. I think I take things for granted. I have lost the sense of wonder. And I really want it back. I want to look at Your creation and be awed again. I want to look at the people You've created and be overwhelmed with joy and wonder that the overflow in my heart would prompt me to tell them I love them.

Acknowledgment of God

"What can I do with you, Ephraim?
What can I do with you, Judah?
Your love is like the morning mist,
like the early dew that disappears. Therefore I cut you in pieces with my prophets,
I killed you with the words of my mouth—
then my judgments go forth like the sun. For I desire mercy, not sacrifice,
and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings. (Hosea 6:4-6 NIV)

That is what God wants. To be acknowledged as God. It is not very difficult to fathom since we, as human beings, desire to be acknowledged for what we are, too. I think, our purpose is not primarily to be good. Rather, being good is one of the effects of acknowledging God. It's like I acknowledge my father as my father, and obeying him comes with that acknowledgement. Because the office of father comes with a certain authority, and to acknowledge someone as one's father means I recognize that authority.

Be Holy

But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy." (1 Peter 1:15, 16 NIV) 

But God said to Jonah, "Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?" "It is," he said. "And I'm so angry I wish I were dead." But the Lord said, "You have been concerned about this plant, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. (Jonah 4:9, 10 NIV)

I confess to You, Almighty God, that I have sinned recently. That the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart have not been pleasing to You. That I acted entitled and spoke ill of people, thinking myself better than them. But You are a loving and compassionate God. You love Your creations and I have no right to judge. Forgive me. You are the One who makes things grow and makes things wither. I thank You, Lord. Despite everything, You still saved us. I come before You this morning. I come at Your feet and declare, You are my God. I am Yours. And I repent. Teach me to be compassionate. Teach me to hold my tongue and to see things the way You want me to see things. May the meditations of my heart be pleasing toYou. May I learn to be holy in my daily walk.

Lord, I lift up the new projects. I lift up the proposals I am about to make. Teach me how to word them. And be with us for our meetings today. This I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen.

The Last Days

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— (2 Timothy 3:1-4 NIV)

Dear Lord, I see this today. In fact, I find myself like that sometimes. Forgive me. And teach me to be pleasing to You, dear God. Lord, the preaching spoke of holy burden yesterday. I find that mine would be the changing of mindset and the remembrance of value through literature. I find it really lamentable that values are degrading, chivalry is gone, the good is no longer fashionable. And I believe this can be fixed through literature the children take in. I know I can do this, but alone, I can't. I need You, Lord. Just finishing the novel is virtually impossible for me. I am too easily distracted. I am too easily bored. I question myself if I indeed want this enough. I mean, if I really believe this will change the world for the better, it should consume me, right? But it doesn't. My time is more consumed by running the company. And You gave this to me so I will run it properly. But Lord, You also placed in my heart a problem and a solution. If You want me to act on this now, Lord, give me the drive and give me the story.

Lord, I thank You for the projects. Be with us. Help us finish it quickly. I lift to You the week, Lord. Guide us, protect us and be with us. This I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen.

The Secret to Being Content

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:12, 13 NIV)

Lord, I thank You for yesterday. We have projects, Lord. You are our Provider. Our Saviour. Lord, You said to me today that the secret to contentment is in knowing that I can do all this through You, who gives me strength. Thank You, Lord. Thank You. All praise and honor and glory be Yours forever and ever! This is I pray in the Holy Nameof Your Son, Jesus. Amen.

Remember His Signs

It is my pleasure to tell you about the miraculous signs and wonders that the Most High God has performed for me. How great are his signs,
how mighty his wonders!
His kingdom is an eternal kingdom;
his dominion endures from generation to generation. (Daniel 4:2, 3 NIV)

Lord, forgive me. I have been fretting these past few days. This lack of projects is making me worried. But You said to be still. And to call on You. And to remember that You've saved me before. Lord, I'm still learning to be dependent on You. I want to, Lord. And therefore, I will not fret. I will press on, doing what You've taught me to do, knowing that You saved me before, and that You are sovereign, and that it was You who gave this to me, and it was You who told me to stay. And therefore, why would You let my people starve if You have plans for this company, right? Forgive me for having such a small view of You. You are a big God, intelligent, in control, and You love me. And You have plans for this company. And so, Lord. I come before You this morning. Help us. Save us. Please give us projects. Please bring in money soon. You know our needs. I lift these concerns to You, Lord. Please bless these hands. I will press on. I will make calls and proposals. But bless these hands and this heart, Lord. Help me to do what You want me to do. And may I not fret, lest I speak harshly because of that. All this I pray and I lift to You in the mighty Name of Your Son. And I declare, Lord, that You are sovereign. You are the Almighty. You are the God who reigns, who is in control, who sees, who hears, and who speaks. You are the Living God. And You are my God.

Jesus Loved His Betrayer

It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. (John 13:1 NIV) 

Jesus answered, "Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you." For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean. (John 13:10, 11 NIV)

The passage I read this morning was all about Jesus washing his apostles' feet. Yesterday, I listened to a podcast by Elevation Chruch called, "How to Hug a Vampire." He used the same passage then, too. I usually skim over this passage, thinking it a common part of Scripture, and thinking I already knew what the passage was all about: service. But the pastor speaking in the podcast pointed out one thing: Jesus washed the feet of Judas, too. And at his point, Jesus knew who would betray Him.

It gives a deeper meaning to service. It's easy to serve people you like. But Jesus shows us that his example includes the ones who hurt us, the ones who disappoint us.

Wait for your God Always

But you must return to your God;
maintain love and justice,
and wait for your God always. (Hosea 12:6 NIV)

Lord, I thank You for the weekend. I pray that I will not be weary waiting for You. Bless this week, Lord. May I not fret. Free me from being fearful because of what I see. I pray for my people. I pray for the new girl who's starting today. I pray for more projects. And may I run the company without forgetting why I do this. This I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen.

God's Time vs Signs

We often talk about waiting for God. The first Bible verse that really hit me as a young Christian was, "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10) And there are a lot of other passages of God telling his people to wait. Wait for the Lord. Be still before Him. And in church, we speak of that. Be patient, we tell each other. Wait for the Lord. But for most of us, we get impatient. A lot of single people are guilty of this. And one of the ways we try to force God to answer us is when we ask for a sign.

Now, I'm not saying the Lord does not give signs. He does. And we can certainly ask for them. But have we ever considered that maybe God doesn't want to give us a sign sometimes? And that the "sign" that we see is actually our own selves speeding up the progression of things by claiming a thing as a sign to justify the move that we are about to make? Can we truly say that we are waiting for the Lord?

"Lord, there were five coincidences involved with me meeting this man. That was a sign!" That was me, if you're wondering. But it didn't turn out the way I planned. That wasn't His plan. The man was part of His plan, but not what I planned for him. "Lord, the next girl that I have coffee with, that's the girl na ha! I claim it!" But what if He has other plans? Will you force the relationship, thinking, "this is my sign! I claimed it!" Like as if God has to follow us just because we claimed it. Now, sometimes, the person we eye is really God's chosen for us. But sometimes, He has other plans. And maybe, just maybe, the girl you have coffee with next is really just a girl you have coffee with.

What I'm trying to say is, when God tells you to wait, just wait. And when you ask for a sign, evaluate your motives. Because maybe you're trying to hurry God along, and are seeing "signs" He never intended as signs for something He doesn't intend to reveal yet. After all, our God loves surprises.

Lamentations: Men

An old friend of mine sent me a text this morning. She said she was attending the 10am service this morning, and was asking if I wanted to have lunch. I did. I hadn't seen her in a while. So, we attended the 10am service at Victory Fort (separately) and met up after to have lunch.

Friends with Benefits
She had just broken up with her boyfriend last December. Then recently, her ex had come back to her offering "Friends with Benefits" status. Of course, she was offended. Her ex didn't want to confront certain issues, like addiction and money. He wanted them not to talk about it, and just... date... and be friends... with benefits. Which really irritated me. And he had been her boyfriend of nine years! "Jerk!" A voice kept screaming in my head. "Selfish cowardly jerk!"

I really need to silence those voices in my head. (Still... Jerk!)

I'm glad to say I know not all men are like that. Another friend of mine, a guy, also broke up with his girlfriend recently. And when his ex offered to be a friend with benefits if it was the only way to get back to him, he was rightly offended. My guy friend's reaction was, "Is that how little you think of me? That you think I would just jump at a chance to bed any girl that offers?" He also felt bad about how little she valued herself, offering her body like that.

Still. Guys like my friend are rare. And the rise of people who prefer being friends with benefits, pleasure without the commitment, is something I find sad. Very sad.

The Decline in Good Men
Ask women today, and most would tell you, there is a decline in good men in this day and age. There are a lot of factors. There's the hypersexualization of media, and even children's toys! There's the rise in strong women. Some of my friends (even guys, even Christian guys) would even venture to tell you that deterioration of chivalry is partly also caused by the Christian church.

This is because some churches encourage their youth to start out as friends first before actually pursuing a girl. Now, I see how the church is trying to get the boys to avoid jumping head first into a relationship they might not yet be ready to be in. I understand that. And maybe if done properly, this works for some people. But for several of my guy friends, this practice leads to several negative things in their experience: 1.) They are immediately relegated to friend zone, and so have a difficult time getting out of it; or 2.) They feel like this practice promotes being a wimp, where guys can just "feel" around, not declaring their true intentions until they think it's "safe" that the girl will not reject them. (Which also frustrates the women, especially in this day and age where women are strong and would like men to stop beating around the bush and just be clear as to their intentions) 3.) They think it confuses the women because we have to create a sort of "limbo" category where guys are friends, but not quite. It is confusing and frustrating that we just throw them into the friends category if they take too long.

Strong and Loyal Men
We, women, like making lists. While it's not bad to list the qualities one wants in a man, I find that I throw this list out the window. The basic ones stay, of course. God-fearing, able to support a family, loving, loyal... But even at the basics, it's already so hard to find a suitable guy. I'm not compromising the basics. That's for sure. But "a loyal man, who can find?" And I used to want strong tough gentlemanly men, but the definition to that has changed over the past year. Most of them are only manly on the outside. But inside, where it counts, where it's now about honor and what is right, and no longer about opening doors and pulling out chairs, many fail. And I would much prefer a man who is honorable inside, than a suave disciple of Barney Stinson. But those honorable ones are rare. I've seen some. But they're just so rare nowadays.

Heart Check

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord. (Lamentations 3:22-26 NIV)

To do what is right and just
is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice. (Proverbs 21:3 NIV)

Lord, does the meditations of my heart please You? If it doesn't, and I do not realize it, bring it to my attention, Lord. I want the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart to be acceptable to You, Lord. I want to live life Your way, Lord. I tell myself that I do not serve two masters. That money is not what I serve. But I am irritable when I have no money, no projects. Fix my heart, Lord. Help me to find rest in You. 

An Undivided Heart

I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people, and I will be their God. (Ezekiel 11:19, 20 NIV)

We are Your people, Lord. and You are our God. You are my God. I will follow Your decrees. I want to be in Your presence always.

Lord, take my heart. Take my stone heart and give me a heart of flesh. Help me to love. Lord, I feel myself wanting to shut off my heart again. I feel things that I don't want to feel. But You said, Lord, not to worry. And so, I won't. Bless this day, Lord. May my people know I care for them.

A Woman Shall Encompass a Man

How long will you waver  and  hesitate [to return], O you backsliding daughter? For the Lord has created a new thing in the land [of Israel]: a female shall compass (woo, win, and protect) a man. (Jeremiah 31:22 AMP)

Lord, what does a your words here mean? Have You foreseen what's happening now? Of course, You have. You are the Sovereign God. Are You saying it's alright, Lord? Not that I'm going to do anything right now. Just asking.

Lord, I thank You for yesterday. Thank You for the interviews. I hope Starstruck picks up because of it. I pray for today. I have Soroptimist duties, then another meeting in the afternoon. Be with me, Lord. Forgive me for yesterday. I will set it straight today, when I get back to the office.

You Know the Plans

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)

Dear Lord,

Good morning! Thank You for the long weekend. We'll finally be going back to work. Please bless the week. We have a bidding today. Please be with us. Help us get the project. Thank You for the light. I read Ecclesiastes today. And yes, even the contentment in simple things come from You. Therefore, I ask of You, Lord. Give my heart joy.

Lord, I have several projects I'm going to try to finish before the end of the year. Be with me, Lord. Bless the works of my hands. May they glorify You. Bless my family, my people, and my friends. I will go out now, and I will take heart. For I am confident, Lord, that even though I don't, You know the plan, Lord. 

All glory and honor are Yours! This I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen.

Dormant Long Enough

My King,

 I thank You for the weekend. I was able to see my friends. Thank You for taking care of them. They have a renewed outlook in life. And we were able to talk and come up with a book! I hope they can finish it soon. I really think it will work.

 I also thank You for the Cymatics experiment. I'm so glad it worked, even if we could only do a very limited range of patterns. I hope to be able to make more patterns, and more defined ones, at that. Lord, my friends and sisters might not be able to appreciate the significance of this experiment. But I do. I do it, and I see Your wonders. It is lovely, Lord. It is exciting! It's like finding out a wonderful secret, like being given a glimpse of the inner workings of creation. So much fun.

Thank You also for the lessons, and for helping me realize that I've been dormant long enough. It is time to forget the whining, the pining and the worrying. It is time to pick myself up and resume doing what I do best. And that is to fulfill dreams. This ability, I cannot do without You. But with You, my God, I can do anything. I know the desires in my heart come from You. And so do the opportunities. You've laid everything out for me already. And what do I do? I whine about men.

But enough of that. You told me to open my eyes. It is time to move now. I see what You've given before me, waiting only for me to pick up the reigns and get on with it already. And so I will. 

Four months left of the year. I will maximize it. 

 My God, this is for You.

Peace

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

"I have a message for you from the King. He says, 'I gave you peace. Now, do not be troubled. And do not be afraid.' And might I add, I think He's also implying that you're being too melodramatic and you should just enjoy what He gave you."

"My, you are blunt, aren't you."

"Thank you. I know you like it that way. He did give you peace, didn't He?"

"Yes, He did. He took away the squeezing in my heart some time ago."

"I think your treacherous heart is just trying to get attention. It wants you to treat this as an ultimate goal. But if you think about it, if you do, after you get this, you'll be lost in the middle of the journey."

"Blame it on Disney. Real life ultimate goals should be so big, so epic, you won't have enough time to be lost."

"Hey, for the record, I know how you feel. You're just being a woman. And I don't think it's a bad thing despite what you think."

"It's just a bit hard to change my perception, when for the longest time, I believed my role was to be a ruler: cold, distant and correct."

"And unreachable."

"Is it too much to ask for someone who would fight for me?"

"'Fight you,' is more like it."

"That wasn't my intention. I just wanted someone strong. In heart and in principle."

"Well, you haven't met everyone yet. Other types exist, you know. They're uncommon. But they're there."

"And where will I find these types?"

"The King said not to worry."

"Oh very well. I shall stop thinking about this, and go make an impact on the world."

"You know where the goat pens are."

Deceitful Heart

The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?  

"I the Lord search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct,
according to what their deeds deserve." (Jeremiah 17:9, 10 NIV)

 The heart is deceitful above all things. And Lord, I have a human heart. The world tells me, "You will regret it if you don't do anything about it." But a part of me says, "You will regret it if you take matters into your own hands again."

"You know what happened last time. Yes, we have proven that if we put effort into it, we can get what we want. But keeping what we want is a different matter."

"But isn't that fear speaking? You've been burned before, and now, you don't ever want to take chances. Coward."

"But I no longer truly know what is best. How will I know if I made the right choice?"

"You don't. That's called taking risk. And you always take risk when the stakes are high. And the stakes are high in this case."

"I can no longer confidently say, this is the best choice."

"And yet in business, you take the risk anyway. You are afraid. Fear does not suit you."

"Fine. I admit. I am afraid. I admit that if I make a decision now, I have to live with that decision."

"As with most decisions. Never stopped you, never bothered you before. This bothers you because it hurt and embarrassed you. And the hurt was too near for comfort."

"It's not just that. I don't want to do anything because..."

"You want to keep your image."

"That's one. What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing."

"And another thing, there is the issue of propriety."

"All is fair in--"

"Shut up. You're not helping."

"Nothing is set in stone yet. You know how the wind changes. You've seen three this year. You didn't expect those."

"No, I didn't. And I feel evil for having a part of me wish the wind blows in my direction."

"I don't think it's wrong to wish."

"I don't, either. I just don't trust myself because once I start to wish, I know I will try my best to get it. That's just how I function."

"And I like me for that."

"Can't God do this for me? Can't God fight for me in this case."

"We may cast the die, but the result is always from the Lord. Circumstances are not going to change unless He says so. But He also told you to get your own goat. Do what is possible, leave the impossible to Him."

"Spending time is possible... But I want my God's go signal."

"Let's ask, then."

"He's not answering this question."

"Maybe He is and You're not listening. Maybe He is and you don't like the answer."

"I don't hear anything."

Lord, these are the noisy thoughts in my heart. Another thought is I don't hear You because it's too noisy in here. You know the question in my heart. I said I'd sacrifice some doors for You. But speak to me clearly, Lord. Let me know what You want me to do.

Wait for the Lord

I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living. 

Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:13, 14 NIV)

 Lord, thank You for the insights. My friend said I was too engrossed with my own problems, I don't even know what is going on with my friends. But none of that anymore. I will do my best to be observant. I will lift up my eyes and look around, just as You have asked me to. I'm going out with them on Sunday. And spend time with others on Monday.

As for my heart, Lord, I remain confident of this: I will see Your goodness in the land of the living. Therefore I will wait for You. I will be strong. I will take heart. And I will wait for You.

Sacrifices

You have not brought me sheep for burnt offerings,
nor honored me with your sacrifices.
I have not burdened you with grain offerings
nor wearied you with demands for incense. (Isaiah 43:23 NIV)

Forgive me, Lord. It seems all I do is ask for forgiveness these days. But more and more I see my selfishness. More and more I see how I have taken matters into my own hands. Lord, I offer You this sacrifice I am about to make. I will honor You with this. It was fine before. But now I know that my motives are no longer pure. My brother asked me last night if I was ready for what You're about to do. I am not. There is still this one. And so Lord, I offer this sacrifice to You. You know how precious this is to me, but You, Lord, are my God. And I will offer this to You. Here, Lord, I lay this at Your feet.

Review the past for me,
let us argue the matter together;
state the case for your innocence. (Isaiah 43:26 NIV)

In this case, Lord, I haven't been innocent. But I will bring to You my case, Lord. And yes, Lord, let us discuss the matter.

I ask for Your blessing, Your love and Your protection. Guide me as I go to work now, and may these hands bring glory to You, Lord. This I pray in Jesus' Name.

Desert into Pools

I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs. I will put in the desert
the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive.
I will set junipers in the wasteland,
the fir and the cypress together, so that people may see and know,
may consider and understand,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
that the Holy One of Israel has created it. (Isaiah 41:18-20 NIV)

Dear Lord,

Thank You for bringing back my parents safely home. Thank You for my beloved family.

Lord, my brother and I were talking a while ago. A little forced, though. But then I really wanted someone to sit with me and help me plot down what You've been telling me. And well, I don't have a lot of Christian friends. And the ones I'm close to are guys. So I pleaded with my brother to just sit down a while. He gave me only a few minutes. He says he has a policy against counseling family members. I wasn't asking him to counsel me. I just wanted him to help me plot things down. Please help me find Christian friends I can do this with, so I don't need to pester my brother.

Anyway, for the company, it's been consistent and straightforward. Stay, run the business, it will prosper. Be sure to know the condition of your flocks for they will provide for you. Set the example for your people. You will work, and you will benefit. Even kings will put you in high regard. Because whoever hopes in the Lord will not be disappointed.

For other aspects of my life, it started out with being still. Last year, You told me to wait for You. That was pretty much the recurring idea the whole of last year. At the earlier part of this year, You told me to delight myself in You. To commit my way to You. To trust You, for You will bring it to pass. You told me not to remember the former things because You will do a new thing. Wait.

Then, You said to open my eyes. I looked at my journals, and You already told me this in June. That I already have what it takes. I already have what I need. Then last week, the message became louder. But then last week, You revealed something to me. And You broke the chains that bound me. you freed me, Lord. And taught me new things. You made me see some things in my past differently. It was a wonderful feeling, Lord. And it may look sudden, and people around me may not believe it, but last week, You broke barriers in me. You freed me from my fears.

Was that what You needed me to open my eyes to? Or are there others? If, as I am daring to hope, You are answering the question I have been asking, am I ready, Lord? Last week, I felt I was. But am I slipping again? I hope not. I certainly hope not. Protect me, Lord. And protect Yours. And keep me from breaking anything. If there is to be any breaking, You do it. Not me. We have established that only You can break something and transform it into something wonderful. Am I ready, Lord? Or do You need me to learn something more before we proceed? Let me know, Lord. I place my heart in Your hands. I hold on to Your promise, Lord, that what You give me will glorify You.

I guess there are doors I have to close. Ah, Lord, will You break my heart again? But I will do it, Lord. For Your glory. Say the word and I will obey.

Irrevocable

For God's gifts and his call are irrevocable. (Romans 11:29 NIV)

 Thank You, Lord. Now that You have called me to serve for Your Kingdom, I don't know what kind of life I would be living apart form You. I don't want to be away from You. And thank You for Your gifts. I want to use them wisely, Lord, for the benefit of Your kingdom. And maximize their use, Lord. Enlighten me on that, Lord.

Even though...

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. (Habakkuk 3:17, 18 NIV)

My God, forgive me. I whined and questioned You yesterday. But though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. My brother gave me really good insights yesterday. And I cried again. Hay. Good thing my sisters didn't notice. Or chose not to. My brother said, learn to appreciate people, while not having the need to acquire them. And with those words, the squeezing in my heart lifted. I didn't need to shut off anymore.

Lord,  I'm beginning to feel a light in my heart. It is still eclipsed by dark clouds every now and then. But I no longer feel despair and fear. Thank You for that. I want to write agin, Lord. This time, for Your glory. But I think I may be over thinking this. The last time I tried to make a Christian game, it didn't work. You've taught me before that it's not the content of the work that mainly has to be Christian for it to be a work for You, but rather, the heart and integrity that were there when it was being created. Those were more of a testimony than just making a Jesus-related work. Because the work is fiction but the integrity is real. But I have an idea, Lord. And it teaches about spirits and love. But I'm so frustrated that I couldn't make a decent story for it.

My sister says it's overthought and underfelt. And I think she's right. My brother tells me it is expected because I haven't been reading and watching as much now as I had been at the peak of my story-creating. But You broke my heart, Lord, and with it all my old desires. It's so hard to find a piece of work that moves me now.

Lord, my siblings are correct. I need input again before I can have any decent output. I don't need to rush this spirits story. I first need to read again before I can write again. I'm going to church now. Then after that, I'm passing by the bookstore. Give me a story, Lord. If You really want me to create again, and I fervently pray You do, give me the stories You want me to read, to influence the stories You want me to write.

All this I lift up to You. This I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen.

I will not forget you

But Zion said, "The Lord has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me."

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.

Your children hasten back,
and those who laid you waste depart from you.

Lift up your eyes and look around;
all your children gather and come to you.
As surely as I live," declares the Lord,
"you will wear them all as ornaments;
you will put them on, like a bride.

"Though you were ruined and made desolate
and your land laid waste,
now you will be too small for your people,
and those who devoured you will be far away.

The children born during your bereavement
will yet say in your hearing,
'This place is too small for us;
give us more space to live in.'

Then you will say in your heart,
'Who bore me these?
I was bereaved and barren;
I was exiled and rejected.
Who brought these up?
I was left all alone,
but these—where have they come from?'"

This is what the Sovereign Lord says:
"See, I will beckon to the nations,
I will lift up my banner to the peoples;
they will bring your sons in their arms
and carry your daughters on their hips.

Kings will be your foster fathers,
and their queens your nursing mothers.
They will bow down before you with their faces to the ground;
they will lick the dust at your feet.
Then you will know that I am the Lord;
those who hope in me will not be disappointed." (Isaiah 49:14-23 NIV)

Lord, I put my trust in You. The heart is treacherous. And thou I've seen what You've been doing in my life, my treacherous heart still whispers that the Lord has forgotten me. But my heart cannot keep secrets from You, my God. Forgive me for thinking it. But You said to lift up my eyes and look around.

Ah, but Lord. The treacherous heart speaks again. It whispers that You've been with me in certain aspects of my life, but not in others. You speak of nations, Lord. But what of love, Lord? What of my home? In those others, I feel forgotten. In those others, I feel like You think they're merely frivolities that I shouldn't even be bothering with. But that is a lie, Lord. I shouldn't be thinking that. Those are the words of the megalomaniac in my heart. But, ah, Lord, how do You keep these thoughts away? Because these thoughts come with feelings. And I feel like a child with a tantrum. Father, speak to me about these things. I trust You with my work. Now help me trust You with my heart. My very human and female heart. You tell me that You haven't forgotten me, then proceed to talk to me about my work. Won't You speak to me about hearts and relationships and men? I know You have Your plans. But affirm me, Lord. Tell me You haven't forgotten me in this aspect, either.

Ah, is this healing process still not done? Now, the emotions are louder. Please, Father. Ease my suffering. I just need some words from You. Give me a clear promise in this aspect of my life. Give me instruction. Clear, specific instructions on what to do. And show me that I can hope. Don't fix my heart, only to break it again. Ah, Lord! Fill me with Your words, Your promises and Your instructions quickly, lest other dark things fill my empty heart. Come to my rescue, Father. I need You. I placed my trust in You. I faced the hurts my heart had been harboring. But Lord, emotions come with other emotions. And they're attempting to overwhelm me again. Help, Father. Forgive me for being a spoiled brat, for throwing a tantrum. Just pick me up and tell me I'll be alright. I just need Your words, Lord.

For the Display of His Splendour

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. (Isaiah 61:1-3 NIV)

My emotions had been a muddle the past few days. On Sunday, I prayed fervently for my heart, which had felt like it had holes and so couldn't hold any good thing. But He told me to open my eyes. He told me to do the possible and leave the impossible to Him. But I couldn't see what was possible. And so on Tuesday, He sent one of His anointed to me, to show me that my heart did not just have holes. It was missing pieces. And that I had to go back and find those pieces I had left behind within the dark and painful memories of my past.

And so in the evening, I did. I faced the emotions and didn't run away. But, oh, I felt sad. So very sad. But in the midst of the sadness, I felt a little braver. For though it hurt to remember, I faced it. Not alone, thank God! I had Him and His anointed at hand.

The dark emotions that I had to confront continued. I felt sick on Wednesday, like I wanted to vomit because of all the bad feelings. But I couldn't. I felt weak. I felt my strength being sapped. And with the exhuming of the hurts, I had found others that I had buried. I found hope there. I had forgotten I had buried it, too. I had tried to kill it then. But I was afraid if I learned to kill hope, it would be so easy for me to do it in the future. So I buried it and just forgot about it. I found that I couldn't really fall in love with anybody because I buried that desire to love, too. Because at that time, I thought it was all a lie, a glamour that was never true.

I pressed on, having faith that my God would get me through this. Then His anointed checked up on me on Thursday. And he gave me words that encouraged, words in the Name of the Most High that lifted me. He told of "The Emptying," how not a lot of people survive it, but the chosen of the Almighty were safe. How did he know about the Emptying? He knew exactly how I felt. And suddenly, I didn't feel alone.

Lord, I thank You. Suddenly, I look at what I had gone through, and I don't see a tragedy. I see it now and understand what the scriptures were talking about. It is a gift. A glorious and necessary trial to empty the Lord's chosen of their own little gods. To break their unyielding hearts of stone so that it can be replaced by a heart of flesh, warm and alive.

I had thought myself a raven. An ominous creature romanticized by the poets, but in truth, a scavenger living off scraps and trash. But my God has opened my eyes to see what I could become from out of these ashes. I was not meant to be a raven, living for myself on whatever I found, masquerading as something regal when she's nothing more than a scavenger. No, my God had given me a name. A name I hardly use. But my God does not do things for no reason. And our names are given to us for the Almighty's purpose. All I had to do was trust Him and go through the fire.

And so now, I give myself to You, Lord, in the service of Your Kingdom. Mold me to be a delight to You. And help me to rise from the ashes, like the Golden Phoenix You have named me. May I be a tree of Your planting. May I be a display of Your Splendour.

To the bard who saw through my mask

Dear Sir,

Thank you. It truly was by the hand of the Almighty One that we met that evening amidst the columns of books. From one human being to another, thank you for hearing my woes and for not despising my tears. From one storyteller to another, thank you for reminding me that the true treasure of a storyteller is not her ideas but her heart. Indeed, how does one expect to make people feel when the storyteller herself does not wish to feel? 

With your kind indulgence, I would like to ask your assistance once more in this area of emotions, and be my reader as I retrace my steps and pick up the pieces of my heart I left behind. I would like to invite you to join me as a friend as I finally face these emotions I have long run away from.

Just like you, I live in the world of words. And if there is something that can truly hurt me, it would not be surprising that it would be words. I had prayed and pondered in the hopes that there would be another way to gain my stories back without having to relive the first time I had actually loved a man. Unfortunately, as you’ve already pointed out, there is no other way but through the storm. So, with your kind indulgence, here I go.

“I have no time for you.”

Those were his words that broke my heart. They were cold impatient words that left me feeling confused and hurt and worthless. But I was a proud woman, and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction that he had hurt me. So I pretended to be alright, told him to keep safe, and wished him the best.

He was a professor in the technologies. A quiet kind of man. His seemingly gentlemanly ways was what had attracted me to him. It was Valentine’s Day when he first asked me out. And, well, it continued from there. 

It was a wonderful feeling starting out. Little things like him walking on the more dangerous side of the road, or his opening the door for me were enough to make my day. I liked that. It made me feel protected and taken care of. Everything was great for a while, until one day, a parent complained about him. He took it badly. And everything just spiraled down from there. 

He got depressed. I didn’t know what to do. Nothing I did seemed to work. But after a time, he seemed to come out of his depression. We went out again. We were alright again. On Mother’s Day, we sent each other messages asking where each of our families were going to celebrate... Then the next day, silence.

All of a sudden, he just started ignoring me. We didn’t fight. We didn’t have any misunderstanding. Literally, the next day, he just started ignoring me. And for five days, I bore the confusion and hurt and worry, not knowing where I stood with him, not knowing exactly what I had done for him to ignore me all of a sudden. I tried talking to him. But his answers were short and impatient. Thinking he just needed time, I left him to himself. But after five days, I couldn’t bear it any longer, I asked him why he was ignoring me. And that was when he spoke those cold, impatient, devastating words, like as if I wasn’t even worthy to be broken up with properly. It was like he ignored me in the hopes that I would just disappear.

Barely a month after that night, he went and got himself a new girl. He was over me in a month, but I wasn’t over him yet. I still missed him. I was still confused then as to what had suddenly happened and why it was happening. Why would he tell me he loved me one day, and not a month after, made me feel worthless? Discarded! All I needed was an explanation. I knew relationships could fail. I entered it knowing that. But couldn't he even give me a decent explanation as to what had happened? Was that too much to ask? If he really loved me, couldn’t he bear the discomfort and sit me down and tell me that it just wasn’t working between us? But I wasn’t even worth that. I wasn’t worth that bother... Anyway, I was too much of a coward then to seek him out and ask for an explanation. I just needed to get as far away from him as quickly as possible.

It hurt so bad. I felt confused and angry and worthless. But I had responsibilities, and so I kept myself busy. And every time the memory of him or of that night popped up, I stamped it out as fast as I could so that I would no longer need to feel the confusion and the anger and the hurt.

And that, dear Sir, was how I lost that part of my heart. I am stepping out in faith, that my acknowledging these emotions and events would help me in the rebuilding of my heart. So that I can finally be complete and at full life, as I enter into the service of the Kingdom. Know also, dear Sir, that this exercise of feeling has also made me grieve for you and your brother. Because now, I can say that I truly do know how it feels to miss someone dear. May the Almighty One bless and keep you. 

And once again, thank you.

Before the songs grow faint..

Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, "I find no pleasure in them"— before the sun and the light and the moon and the stars grow dark, and the clouds return after the rain; when the keepers of the house tremble, and the strong men stoop, when the grinders cease because they are few, and those looking through the windows grow dim; when the doors to the street are closed and the sound of grinding fades; when people rise up at the sound of birds, but all their songs grow faint; when people are afraid of heights and of dangers in the streets; when the almond tree blossoms and the grasshopper drags itself along and desire no longer is stirred. Then people go to their eternal home and mourners go about the streets. Remember him—before the silver cord is severed, and the golden bowl is broken; before the pitcher is shattered at the spring, and the wheel broken at the well, and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it. (Ecclesiastes 12:1-7 NIV)

Solomon explains the feeling so well. I suppose Ecclesiastes was written so we know that this feeling really comes. Lord, I will remember You. Because everything is meaningless. The only point is You.

Open your eyes. Do the possible.

Sunday morning, I prayed. I was generally okay, but there were patches of darkness I had brought before my God. I asked for forgiveness. I asked for help. I asked. I told Him how I felt and what my concerns were. I was looking for something I still couldn't find. "... Or are my eyes closed, Lord?" I asked. "Open my eyes if [what I seek] is nearby. If not, then please bring [what I seek] to me. Or me to [what I seek]. Lord, please, do not forget me. Speak to me, Lord. I need You."

And I went to church. The preaching for the week was 'Prayer.' But to my surprise, the Pastor talked about eyes opening. That God opens eyes, and God closes eyes. That He opened the eyes of Elisha's servant so that he could see that there are more for us than there are against us.

Now that I think about it, I don't remember what the connection between eyes and prayer was in the preaching. I'll have to listen to it again via podcast once that comes out. But it just surprised me that from my prayer that morning, to the songs, to the preaching, it was all about opening eyes.

What am I not seeing? Who am I not seeing? What should I be seeing? My God has a tendency to answer me in one aspect of life when my question is for another. So in this case, Lord, what are we talking about? Lord, is what I seek nearby? Or is what is nearby something I should be seeking? I am listening, Lord. Speak. And open my eyes, Lord. What do You want me to see?

And so the Pastor continued with the preaching on Prayer. And that prayer without works is like rowing with one hand. It will only bring you around in circles. One should pray. Then act, having faith that God hears one's prayer. How do you expect to find a job when you're not even applying? Or how do you expect to get rich if you're not even making an effort to save anything? We often expect supernatural things from God but we forget that the world was created by Him, too. Why wouldn't He use what He's already created. Look around, the Pastor said. God may have already given you what you need. God only expects you to do what is possible. You leave the impossible to God.

After the service, I bought a devotional because I had already finished the ones I had. Then I went to Starbucks in Fully Booked to enjoy a little bit of solitude. Prayed some more. Tried to make sense of my thoughts. Then I went home.

Then when I opened the new devotional I bought, the first entry said, "My job is to take care of the possible and trust God with the impossible."

I do not believe in coincidences.

Where's the Girl?

I remember days full of restlessness and fury.
I remember nights that were drunk on dreams.
I remember someone who hungered for the glory.
I remember her, but it seems she's gone.

Where's the girl? Where's the girl with the blaze in her eyes?
Where's the girl with that gaze of surprise?
Now and then I still dream of her fire.

Where's the girl who could turn on the edge of a knife?
Where's the girl who was burning for life?
I can still see her eyes in my mem'ry.

And I know she remembers how fearless it feels
To take off with the wind at her heels.
She and I took this world like a storm.

Come again!
Let the girl in your heart tumble free.
Bring your renegade heart home to me.
In the dark of the morning, come warm me.
Come rouse me.

Dreaming girl, don't forget, recall who you are.
You were cut from a great fiery star.
Like a jewel in the sky blazing fire.

Where's the girl so alive and still aching for more?
You had dreams that were worth dying for.
You were caught in the eye of a storm.

Come again!
Let the girl in your heart tumble free.
Bring your renegade heart home to me.
In the dark of the morning, come warm me.

Come rouse me.

Where's the girl?
Is she gazing at me with surprise?
Do I still see that blaze in her eyes?
Am I dreaming, or is she inside me now?

This is my song at the moment. Changed the lyrics a bit. Ah, I used to be so fired up. And while I like what I've become, I miss the bold and unafraid part of me. I will find her. She's in here somewhere. And I will find her.

Taken from "Where's the Girl?"
Scarlet Pimpernel Musical
Music by Frank Wildhorn
Original Lyrics by Nan Knighton

A Prayer for my People

As my car turned to drive away from the office today, I saw one of our boys skipping to catch up with the others to catch a jeep home. It made me smile. My people were happy. 

I have ten people. Two were greatly affected by the recent storm. Several got stranded and got home at midnight. But all of them are safe. And despite the flooding, they still have that skip in their step, that playfulness in their banter, that easy laugh about them. 

The worst of the storm seems over now. I thank You for keeping them safe during this recent storm. And Lord, continue to protect them, especially in this rainy season. Some of them live far away. Some of them live in flood-prone areas. Some of them live in cities near bays. Some of them live in towns that are already in a state of calamity. I care for them, Lord, but there is only so much I can do. You have given them to me. And this is probably one of the biggest blessings You've given me. Protect them, Lord. They are precious to me. 

Dwell in the Land

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. (1 Timothy 4:12 NIV)

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:3, 4 NIV)

Dear Lord, thank You. You have saved me and my people once again. Thank You, Lord. Thank You. The work we do, Lord, we do it for You. And I will continue to do what You have placed in my heart to do. There are days when I just want to drop everything because of the problems and obstacles, but You, Lord, are faithful. And You, Lord, are my strength. So even then, Lord, I will continue. Oh, Lord, there are so many more dreams that I'd like to make come true! But You have Your timing, Your perfect and good timing, Lord. And for now, I will dwell in the land You have given me and enjoy safe pasture for You are with me. Bless this coming week, Lord. Direct our hearts and minds and hands so that what we do is pleasing to You, my Lord and my God. Amen.

Be Courageous

Joshua said to them, "Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the Lord will do to all the enemies you are going to fight."

All these kings and their lands Joshua conquered in one campaign, because the Lord, the God of Israel, fought for Israel. (Joshua 10:25, 42 NIV)

Dear Lord, I know I should be fretting now, because we can lose a very important client if we're not careful. But somehow, I feel at peace. And I don't know why I said I will not fret because You will save us, but I do believe You will. Lord, bless the works of our hands, that what we produce will please You. Forgive us for being careless. And save us now, Lord, just as You have saved us before. Fight for us, Lord. I stand still before You. May the rain stop, Lord, that we can go to the office. And may we finish before lunch, Lord, that the electricians may finish our electricals today. Lord, give me rest. And give my people rest. And give my clients rest. I lift to You this rainy day, Lord. May You shower it with Your love, Your blessings, and Your favor. This I pray in Jesus' name. Amen.

Vampires that we are

I found an interesting podcast called, "How to hug a Vampire." I listened to it last night. I'm sure you'd agree that around us, there are people who suck the life out of us. Emotional vampires, some call them. But what the podcast was saying was that, most of the time, the vampires are our own selves.

I find, in my case anyway, that there is truth in this. We complain about how certain people around us are so draining and annoying. But many times, us complaining actually adds to the good-vibe-leakage. In my case, the only one really darkening my day is me. Client not yet paying. Urgh, agencies. But I already know agencies pay slow. So who's making my life miserable by fretting? Me. Phone line taking too long to get transferred. But I already know the phone company takes long. Who's sucking the life out of me by worrying? Me. Who's blaming me for not anticipating the problems, and making me feel bad doing so? Me. Nobody's else is blaming me. It's really just me. All I see are the problems. But I want to break free of that. Primarily, it's not other people who suck the life out of me. I suck my own life out of me. And I want to change that. I want to be an encourager, like my friend, Macky. I want to be a morale-booster, like another friend, Martin. I want to show the ones who are precious to me that I care. I want to look outside, and not keep on looking in and at how I feel. I want to be pleasant. I want to be brave. I want to have strong faith. I want to look at a problem and say, "Challenge accepted," instead of whining about how things are not going my way.

And so today, I shall try that. May my God drive a stake into that vampiric part of me, that the human part may live life, and live it to the full.

Friends

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17 NIV)

Today's devotional was all about friends. I guess my lesson on community is still ongoing. Lord, I have friends and I love them. Some of my oldest fiends are very devoted to me. You have blessed me in that realm, Lord. And I am very grateful. Sometimes, I just don't take care of them properly, I guess. But I want to, Lord. If You would teach me how to maintain my friendships, strengthen them even more, and also make new ones, I would listen, Lord.

You of this Generation

"You of this generation, consider the word of the Lord: "Have I been a desert to Israel or a land of great darkness? Why do my people say, 'We are free to roam; we will come to you no more'? (Jeremiah 2:31 NIV)

No, Lord. you have not been a desert to me. You have been my spring, giving me enough resources to survive each day. You have bee my light in the darkness, my hiding place and my refuge. You have eased my fears. You have given me comfort when I sought for it from others and couldn't find it. You have taught me. You have guided me and rebuked me when I was wrong. I sought You, and You found me, Lord. I will forever come to You.

Today, a Fortified City

Today I have made you a fortified city, an iron pillar and a bronze wall to stand against the whole land—against the kings of Judah, its officials, its priests and the people of the land. (Jeremiah 1:18 NIV)

First, it was all about community. And I realized that I really haven't been involving my community in a lot of things I did. The tables arrived on Saturday. Some of my people came and helped me. But we started late and we were tired. We only finished assembling 2 tables. That night, I told my mother that I was going to the office the next day to continue building. And she said, "Alone? Are you out of your mind?" or something to that effect. The statement irked me. But later, upon reflection, it irked me because it implied she thought I couldn't do it myself. Pride. Long story short, I relented. That afternoon, my family and my manager and friend, Martin, came and helped build the tables. All thirteen were finished that afternoon. Behold, the power of community.

Alright, so I learned my lesson. You don't build an empire on your own. You do it with the power of God, the support of your friends, and the decision to trudge on. After the tables were completed, I felt a double-shot of achievement. One for the fact that we finished them. And the other for learning the lesson. Then just before I went to bed, this is what my God tells me. "Today, I have made you a fortified city." And I have a feeling it's not the walls He's referring to to protect me.

Black Dot on a White Space

Better a little with the fear of the Lord than great wealth with turmoil. (Proverbs 15:16 NIV)

Dear Lord, Martin told me I fret too much. And that's true. He said I always only see the tiny black speck and not the big white area. Lord, how? How do I not feel overwhelmed, Lord? Do I really not know how to wield power? Lord, teach me. In my eyes, the idea that there's still so much to do is greater than the fact that we have a nice new office. In my head, I know that this should be flipped. Change my heart, Lord. And Mom's right. I always just want to do things myself. I snapped at her last night. I'm sorry. Yes, I think the community part came in here. Lord, that's a lot of tables. But I'm supposed to have a bunch of friends and family, too. I need to learn. I need to stop fretting. Lord, change my heart.

Let Us

A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. They gathered in such large numbers that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. Some men came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”
-Mark 2:1-5

These past few weeks, the message that has been persistent in my quiet time, in church, and basically, my life, has been community. I have friends. But do I really have community? I have to stop and think. I have close friends, friends I would protect and defend. I have friends whose company really lights up my day, and I'd never trade them for the world. But I don't confide in them. Sometimes, I do, when it's not too severe. But I don't always talk about the darkness. Don't get me wrong. I trust them with my life. But then I have to protect them from the darkness, right? That's why I shouldn't be talking to them about it. Because that darkness inside me is a spirit that might consume them, too, if I open myself and let out too much of it. Besides, isn't that just whining on my part?

Community. Community. Lord, You'll need to teach me in this area. I'm a bit blank. What do You want me to learn?

Moodcasting

Not so long ago, I asked my brother why I was stuck where I was. I was stuck in a dark emotion. I was stuck in a not-so-ideal financial situation. And I felt stuck. I asked what he thought my Creator was teaching me, or what he thought I was doing wrong. And my brother told me I was not ready for power.

Of course, at that time, I thought, "Not ready for power? I run a company!" I have been wielding power. Power is normal. And it's not like I abuse mine. I take care of the people given to me. What was my brother talking about? But lately, I've been seeing the truth in my brother's statement. I have a feeling he was talking about something else when he said what he said. But it's true nonetheless. I'm starting to see the power I actually have. And how I haven't been wielding it properly.

Funny how just a few months ago, the camp I attended was all about authority: submitting to it and wielding it. And my friend, Macky, had talked about wielding power at the camp. Also, I made a story that talked about this power. My brother, my friends, and even I have talked about power and this particular power. But I never really realized until recently what relation it had with me. I guess that's how our God teaches: over time and through different people.

I have a power. I call it Moodcasting.

I think all of us moodcast. And like any kind of ability, some of us have stronger moodcasting skills than others. In my case, I became aware of the intensity of my power when I did an evaluation within my little empire. And I found out that when I fret in the office, my people pick it up. They become afraid and uncomfortable. Their request was for me to be strong so that they would be strong. They want me to be unfazed so that they would be unfazed in the face of the unexpected. Whatever I felt, I cast. And what I cast, my people absorbed.

It was the same at home. My mother was always angry when I was angry. And so was my little sister. My brother had a low moodcasting ability. But his absorption was also low, which meant that he didn't get affected by emotions very quickly. But the rest caught fire quite quickly. And I was among the most frequent fire-setters in the family.

Of course, if my mood was good, that got caught, too. Somehow, people around me expected me to be happy, confident and not easily affected. Because if I wasn't, they'd pick it up. And they know it. And they asked me to do something about it.

The truth is, I didn't realize I had this power. And another truth is that I haven't been using it well. But it has been given to me, and now I must learn to wield it. And with God as my strength, I will learn to wield this.