Deceitful Heart

The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?  

"I the Lord search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct,
according to what their deeds deserve." (Jeremiah 17:9, 10 NIV)

 The heart is deceitful above all things. And Lord, I have a human heart. The world tells me, "You will regret it if you don't do anything about it." But a part of me says, "You will regret it if you take matters into your own hands again."

"You know what happened last time. Yes, we have proven that if we put effort into it, we can get what we want. But keeping what we want is a different matter."

"But isn't that fear speaking? You've been burned before, and now, you don't ever want to take chances. Coward."

"But I no longer truly know what is best. How will I know if I made the right choice?"

"You don't. That's called taking risk. And you always take risk when the stakes are high. And the stakes are high in this case."

"I can no longer confidently say, this is the best choice."

"And yet in business, you take the risk anyway. You are afraid. Fear does not suit you."

"Fine. I admit. I am afraid. I admit that if I make a decision now, I have to live with that decision."

"As with most decisions. Never stopped you, never bothered you before. This bothers you because it hurt and embarrassed you. And the hurt was too near for comfort."

"It's not just that. I don't want to do anything because..."

"You want to keep your image."

"That's one. What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing."

"And another thing, there is the issue of propriety."

"All is fair in--"

"Shut up. You're not helping."

"Nothing is set in stone yet. You know how the wind changes. You've seen three this year. You didn't expect those."

"No, I didn't. And I feel evil for having a part of me wish the wind blows in my direction."

"I don't think it's wrong to wish."

"I don't, either. I just don't trust myself because once I start to wish, I know I will try my best to get it. That's just how I function."

"And I like me for that."

"Can't God do this for me? Can't God fight for me in this case."

"We may cast the die, but the result is always from the Lord. Circumstances are not going to change unless He says so. But He also told you to get your own goat. Do what is possible, leave the impossible to Him."

"Spending time is possible... But I want my God's go signal."

"Let's ask, then."

"He's not answering this question."

"Maybe He is and You're not listening. Maybe He is and you don't like the answer."

"I don't hear anything."

Lord, these are the noisy thoughts in my heart. Another thought is I don't hear You because it's too noisy in here. You know the question in my heart. I said I'd sacrifice some doors for You. But speak to me clearly, Lord. Let me know what You want me to do.