To the bard who saw through my mask

Dear Sir,

Thank you. It truly was by the hand of the Almighty One that we met that evening amidst the columns of books. From one human being to another, thank you for hearing my woes and for not despising my tears. From one storyteller to another, thank you for reminding me that the true treasure of a storyteller is not her ideas but her heart. Indeed, how does one expect to make people feel when the storyteller herself does not wish to feel? 

With your kind indulgence, I would like to ask your assistance once more in this area of emotions, and be my reader as I retrace my steps and pick up the pieces of my heart I left behind. I would like to invite you to join me as a friend as I finally face these emotions I have long run away from.

Just like you, I live in the world of words. And if there is something that can truly hurt me, it would not be surprising that it would be words. I had prayed and pondered in the hopes that there would be another way to gain my stories back without having to relive the first time I had actually loved a man. Unfortunately, as you’ve already pointed out, there is no other way but through the storm. So, with your kind indulgence, here I go.

“I have no time for you.”

Those were his words that broke my heart. They were cold impatient words that left me feeling confused and hurt and worthless. But I was a proud woman, and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction that he had hurt me. So I pretended to be alright, told him to keep safe, and wished him the best.

He was a professor in the technologies. A quiet kind of man. His seemingly gentlemanly ways was what had attracted me to him. It was Valentine’s Day when he first asked me out. And, well, it continued from there. 

It was a wonderful feeling starting out. Little things like him walking on the more dangerous side of the road, or his opening the door for me were enough to make my day. I liked that. It made me feel protected and taken care of. Everything was great for a while, until one day, a parent complained about him. He took it badly. And everything just spiraled down from there. 

He got depressed. I didn’t know what to do. Nothing I did seemed to work. But after a time, he seemed to come out of his depression. We went out again. We were alright again. On Mother’s Day, we sent each other messages asking where each of our families were going to celebrate... Then the next day, silence.

All of a sudden, he just started ignoring me. We didn’t fight. We didn’t have any misunderstanding. Literally, the next day, he just started ignoring me. And for five days, I bore the confusion and hurt and worry, not knowing where I stood with him, not knowing exactly what I had done for him to ignore me all of a sudden. I tried talking to him. But his answers were short and impatient. Thinking he just needed time, I left him to himself. But after five days, I couldn’t bear it any longer, I asked him why he was ignoring me. And that was when he spoke those cold, impatient, devastating words, like as if I wasn’t even worthy to be broken up with properly. It was like he ignored me in the hopes that I would just disappear.

Barely a month after that night, he went and got himself a new girl. He was over me in a month, but I wasn’t over him yet. I still missed him. I was still confused then as to what had suddenly happened and why it was happening. Why would he tell me he loved me one day, and not a month after, made me feel worthless? Discarded! All I needed was an explanation. I knew relationships could fail. I entered it knowing that. But couldn't he even give me a decent explanation as to what had happened? Was that too much to ask? If he really loved me, couldn’t he bear the discomfort and sit me down and tell me that it just wasn’t working between us? But I wasn’t even worth that. I wasn’t worth that bother... Anyway, I was too much of a coward then to seek him out and ask for an explanation. I just needed to get as far away from him as quickly as possible.

It hurt so bad. I felt confused and angry and worthless. But I had responsibilities, and so I kept myself busy. And every time the memory of him or of that night popped up, I stamped it out as fast as I could so that I would no longer need to feel the confusion and the anger and the hurt.

And that, dear Sir, was how I lost that part of my heart. I am stepping out in faith, that my acknowledging these emotions and events would help me in the rebuilding of my heart. So that I can finally be complete and at full life, as I enter into the service of the Kingdom. Know also, dear Sir, that this exercise of feeling has also made me grieve for you and your brother. Because now, I can say that I truly do know how it feels to miss someone dear. May the Almighty One bless and keep you. 

And once again, thank you.