At A Crossroad

I'm at a crossroad. Except I'm not standing still. I can't stand still. If I don't keep moving, my people will suffer. Overheads and bills and payroll keep coming every month no matter what I'm feeling. My feelings and my being lost are irrelevant when it comes to business.

But I am at a crossroad. I am experiencing a tragedy: the death of my dreams.

But my God is teaching me something. I need to be fine with or without my dreams because my identity should not be my dreams. I am a child of the Living God, created for His purposes and pleasure. Not my dreams. Dreams are important and I will strive to find a new dream. But I should not depend on my dreams for my identity.

This is hard.

Give thanks

give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV)

Dear Lord,

Thank You for everything You have given me, Lord. Thank You for the opportunities. Lord, let me not blow it. I know this is an opportunity to show that I follow You. Take off the hate. Take off the rage. Thank You for this opportunity. Help me not blow it.

Amen.

Rest

Therefore since it still remains for some to enter that rest, and since those who formerly had the good news proclaimed to them did not go in because of their disobedience, God again set a certain day, calling it “Today.” This he did when a long time later he spoke through David, as in the passage already quoted: “Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts.” For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken later about another day. There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience. (Hebrews 4:6-11 NIV)

Dear Lord,

I seem to have forgotten how to rest. I have to rest from my works. But I find myself doing things, thinking that I need to finish this quickly to get my company out of its current circumstance. I seem to have forgotten how to rest.

Lord, I pray for my friend. The girl he likes now has a boyfriend. And he's sad. He said he's fine, but I know from experience that it takes a little while for the pain to sink in. Please send him comfort. I also pray for my cousin-in-law. I know she feels sad and unappreciated. And I feel awkward reaching out to her because we hardly have anything in common. But she is sad and alone, Lord, desperately seeking the approval of a father figure. I don't know what to do. Lord, please help her. Be with her. If You want me to do something, tell me, Lord.

This I pray, my Father and God.

Amen.

I am Afraid

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:10, 13 NIV)

Dear God, dear Father,

I need You. I am afraid. You tell me not to fear. But I can't see You. I can't find You. Four weights are already on me. By tomorrow, it will be six or seven. By Monday, ten. By Tuesday, eleven. People tell me not to look at the problem but see the positive side. Lord, I cannot see the positive side when I can see no light for the problems I already have. And they are compounding. Lord, what am I to do? Lord, I can't even see You. You said, Lord, do not fear. You said, Lord, You will help me. Please do, Lord. I am hanging on to only that now. I don't even know if this is Your message for me. I'd like to think so. But I can't see You so I don't remember how to tell if You are truly speaking to me or it's just me trying to convince myself that You're telling me You would help me. Don't forget me, Lord. Where are You in all this, my God? Reveal Yourself to me that I do not forget the good things You have done. Lord, please, where are You? Call to me, my God. Say my name. Say the word, Lord, and I will walk on water. But be not silent towards me. Lord, You said, seek and you shall find. Lord, where are You? I need You. I need You to make a way. I need a miracle. If You do not wish to magically take this problem away, then at the very least, send me a magical something to just tell me You're there. I am blind, Lord. Unless You do something big or You open my eyes, I cannot see. I need to see You. I need You, Lord, to show me that I'm not alone in all this. I already feel unloved and unlovable, and now I feel incompetent, too. Lord, I need You. I need my Father's reassurance. I need You. Lord, please. Tell me I'm not alone. Show me that You're there. I can't see You. And please, please, please, save me. Let it be true that You say this to me. Let it be true that You tell me not to be afraid. Let it be true that You said You will help me. And please, Lord, help me. Help me. Tomorrow, we have to pay taxes again. And maybe electricity. Lord, open up a way. Show me a way in the wilderness. Open up a path for me. Lord, please, please, please help me.

My Doubts, My Fears

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18 NIV)

My God, my God,

I have been sinning in my mind. And that is because I have been looking for comfort. Lord, forgive me in this weakness of mine. But I will not hide anything from You. Here, Lord, I bare myself to You. I sought comfort elsewhere because I couldn't find Your comfort. I am afraid because I am afraid You would not be able to save me. My Pastors would think I'm blasphemous for saying it. And my small group leader would tell me that I have to pray and have faith. And my brother would admonish me for not seeing the little miracles You've given me until now. But there, Lord, that is the truth. I don't know if You'll pull through for me.

The miracles seem to be always for other people. And instead of feeling loved, I feel bad about myself for not feeling Your love. I feel like such a bad Christian for not trusting You enough. But there You have it, Lord. The truth without any sugarcoats. I believe You exist. I believe You have a hand in my life and everything will be fine in the end. But what about the now? I want to believe, Lord. I want to feel loved by You, Lord. But I don't know how to cast out this fear. I have sapped my family dry. All I want is to be a good CEO to my people. But I couldn't even get my clients to pay on time. How can I pay the salaries and the bills? Everyone tells me The Lord will pull through for You. Then why am I buried in debt? Why couldn't I even pay my people's social security on time? My rent hasn't been paid yet, and it's incurring penalty as we speak. The check I paid for my taxes last month bounced, and I still haven't replaced it yet. And the bills for the month have started coming in again. And I need an enormous amount of money for separation pay for two people for the coming 15th. People tell me not to look at my problems but Lord, I can't help it. I am afraid. I am afraid the due dates will come and the clients still haven't paid yet. Where am I supposed to get the money? I have no resources left. My credit cards are almost maxed out, I can't loan anymore because I have existing loans already. I have sucked my family dry. And I feel so alone. The responsibilities seem overwhelmingly big and there's only me.

I don't have the perfect love You speak of, Lord. I wish in my heart for a great miracle, even though the people around me seem to think I have no business asking for it. But Lord, pull through for me. Help me with my finances. And change my heart, too. That I can rejoice in any circumstance, as You've been telling me to do. But on my own, Lord, I am powerless. I cannot fight the fear. I have this doubt that I cannot overcome on my own.

Christ-like Qualities

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:6-8 NIV)

Dear Lord,

Studying Jesus, I see the attitude You want me to have: He holds no grudges. He forgives offenses, no matter how great. And He's also shown me how it is necessary to just get away from it all every now and then to rest and to connect with You. Lord, I didn't use to hold grudges. Oh, Lord, what had happened? Now, his very presence darkens my day. And we used to be very good friends. Lord, have I failed in how I was supposed to handle this? Forgive me. Protect him as he leaves. Give him a job you'd like him to have. And may the blow not be too hard on my people. Maybe it's just time we parted.

Lord, bless the week. This is going to be a very busy week. I pray that our clients pay this week. Lord, take off the grudges, the bitterness and the worrying from my heart. Teach it to trust You. Lord, I want to be a caring, thoughtful, pleasant person. I want to be kind. I want to smile. Circumstances may change and my happiness may be there or not, but I'd like to have an immovable peace and an undying joy in my heart. Lord, You've taken away the exclusivity in my family. You've taken away the man I loved. And now, you've taken away my dreams. And my dreams were basically what I lived for when I was growing up. But I know You're teaching me that even without all these, I'm fine because You're there. Lord, I couldn't help but feel afraid and lost. Lord, reveal Yourself to me. Call me to You. Make me smile.

Lord, today is the last day of my fast. I'm not even sure I'm doing this properly. But I just really want to get closer to You, to hear from You. Lord, once again, I pledge my allegiance to You. My heart, I place again at Your feet. My life, I place in Your hands. Lead me, Lord. Show me where to go. Teach me what to do. I hold on to Your promise that You will show me what is best and direct me where I should go. Lord, I pray for breakthroughs. I pray for something awesome, because You are an awesome God.

Amen.

Write On My Heart

In the case of a will, it is necessary to prove the death of the one who made it, because a will is in force only when somebody has died; it never takes effect while the one who made it is living. This is why even the first covenant was not put into effect without blood. (Hebrews 9:16-18 NIV)

“This is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds.” (Hebrews 10:16 NIV)

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2 NIV)

Dear Lord,

Thank You for shedding Your innocent blood to save and redeem us once and for all. Lord, I hold on to Your covenant. You will put Your laws in my heart, and write them on my mind. You will perfect that which concerns me. I have faith. I hold on to that. Lord, when I found out my friend was off to see him, I felt a bit jealous. I miss him a bit, and I'd really like to see him. But Lord, I close my eyes and turn to You. Ah, I do like him, dear God. He is a good man. He works hard. Strong. He knows what he wants and is not easily deterred. A geek. We could talk for hours. He has the makings of a protector and a good provider. He works in the field he wants and is very good at what he does. I admire him so.

But You, dear God, You sent Your Son. And Jesus not just protected me but died so I could turn to You like this despite my sins. I am not my own. My heart belongs to You. Therefore, Lord, if he's not the one you've chosen for me, I will close my eyes. Oh, I really do like him, Lord. And I wish I wish I wish that You would redeem him and break his family's curse and will him for me. But You are my God. Your Will be done. I will not do anything. I will wait for You. I really do wish he'd reach out to me. Send me a message or something. But You, Lord, are my God. To You do I revert. You, I will follow. I will close my eyes.

Transform my mind, Lord. Write on my heart.

This I pray. I await more words from You, O God. Speak to me, Lord. Instruct me. Lead me. Show me who You are.

Amen.

Direct Me

This is what the Lord says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. (Isaiah 48:17 NIV)

“Then he said: ‘The God of our ancestors has chosen you to know his will and to see the Righteous One and to hear words from his mouth. You will be his witness to all people of what you have seen and heard. And now what are you waiting for? Get up, be baptized and wash your sins away, calling on his name.’ (Acts 22:14-16 NIV)

Dear Lord,

I need to hear You. I will hold on to Your promise. You said You teach me what is best for me, and direct me in the way I should go. Present tense, Lord. You do that in the present and not in the future. Lord, I ask what I was supposed to do when I broke up, You said, "Praise The Lord." My company is not making money and I don't know what to do. I ask You what I should do and You tell me, "Rejoice in every circumstance." Lord, my heart is stubborn. My mindset is wrong. I want to praise You and rejoice in every circumstance. But my heart will not cooperate. Lord, Lord, please be with me and help me to follow what You want me to do. This is the day You have made, Lord. I want to rejoice and be glad in it. I don't want to worry. I really need You, Lord. I want to smile and be happy and stop complaining. Please fill me with Your joy and Your peace. And I will hold on to Your promise, Lord, that You will teach me what is best. You will direct me where I should go.

Amen.