Ungrateful

Dear Lord,

You are a good God. I have seen Your goodness in the land of the living. I called to You and You helped me. You plucked my feet out from the traps that bound me. I was overtaken by my financial problems, but You, Lord, gave me rest. I called to You in my distress. I didn't know how to get out of the pit. No one wanted me for the price I needed, and I called to You for help. And You gave me this job, which paid for how much I needed to pay for my financial obligations. And it is a job with two functions. You know me so well that You know that a double-functioned job is needed to keep me from getting too bored. You have thought of that, too.

It would take me two years to pay for my debts. You are giving me two years of respite. But what does my selfish heart do? I have been ungrateful. Instead of accepting the rest You have given me, I go and find other projects to help me feel significant. I did not trust in the value You have given me. Instead of thanking You, praising You, and enjoying the two years You have given me, I complain, I struggle. I sought to find a way to break free. I made a deal with an organization without consulting You. And they said yes, for I know that You have given me the ability to make them say yes. But is this even Your will? Deep in my heart, I know it isn't because it goes against what You have given me. Taking this on will cost more money. Taking this on will deprive me of rest. But also, taking this on at this time, I know that the motives of my heart isn't pleasing to you. It's not because I want to help, or I think it will glorify You. It's because I'm afraid of insignificance.

Instead of rejoicing that Andro is nearby and this is a good opportunity to strengthen our friendship, I look at what I have lost. That I'm so far away from my friends, that I'm so far away from my sisters and parents, that I miss my organization. But if I'm to look at it with the eyes of a grateful person, I would see that this is a great opportunity to build new friendships, an opportunity to lose weight, to contemplate, to exercise. I keep on focusing on what I lack and what I have lost instead of what I have and what opportunity there are.

Lord! Forgive me my ungratefulness. Here is what I want to do, for your glory, O Lord: I will live in Ortigas, in Pearl, really live here. I will develop good eating habits and exercise regularly. I will make friends here. I will root here for two years. I will find a way to increase my energy so I can function properly. I will wake up at 6:00 and sleep at 10:00. I'll take an hour for quiet time. I will exercise 3x a week. I will meet up with a friend once a week. I will enjoy myself in this area.

Then I will excel at this work I'm in. I will train my supervisor so he can be a good employee and support me properly. As for the coders, I need to make them feel supported and believed in. I need to up our quality. I will stop complaining and only talk of good things. I don't need to take over all the aspects of the company, but only do my very best in the position I have been given. I need to stop trying to build new businesses for now. I need to step back and not be the boss, and not be afraid of insignificance because my value is fixed in You, in that I am Yours.

As an on the side, I will help Andro with his project. I will train in game design, and I need to read a lot again. That's it. I just need to train. And slowly plan how I'll do my games when I come back in two years. No implementation. Just training and planning.

But here's my problem, Lord. I've just set something into motion again. And I'm flying to Japan again at the end of the month to work on it. Lord, what to do? In my disobedience, I have caused this. But You are a God who makes the biggest miracles out of our worst mistakes. Father, I lay this at your feet. It excites me, but for the wrong reasons. So I lay it at your feet. I have started it so I will go and continue it as best as I could. But I turn away from my selfishness now and turn to You. Kill it if You will. Or prosper it as You will. But take me back into Your favor and forgive me my ungratefulness. I know You can salvage this. Therefore, I lay it down at your feet. Make it happen or make it not. But be my God no matter what. Take me back and let me dwell in Your will.

O Lord, be with me. You promised to perfect that which concerns me so, please, take me back, O Lord, and take over. Amen.

At A Crossroad

I'm at a crossroad. Except I'm not standing still. I can't stand still. If I don't keep moving, my people will suffer. Overheads and bills and payroll keep coming every month no matter what I'm feeling. My feelings and my being lost are irrelevant when it comes to business.

But I am at a crossroad. I am experiencing a tragedy: the death of my dreams.

But my God is teaching me something. I need to be fine with or without my dreams because my identity should not be my dreams. I am a child of the Living God, created for His purposes and pleasure. Not my dreams. Dreams are important and I will strive to find a new dream. But I should not depend on my dreams for my identity.

This is hard.

Open Your Eyes

Lord, so that's what You meant by "Open your eyes." My eyes were closed. I didn't go out and have a relationship with people. I merely saw them as a collection of attributes. I saw them as brands, benefits, what they can do for my company. I didn't see them as people, precious creations of Yours. Forgive me. I gave little value to what You have created. I'm sorry. But thank You for opening my eyes. For giving me this revelation, this realization. You have cut my chains, Lord.

Flight

I wanted to fly so badly. But I looked and saw that my mother was chained. She could try to fly, but there was nowhere to escape to. And at this point, I don't think she has any strength or will to fly. I wanted to touch her, but knew it would not give her comfort. I wanted to speak words that would lift her, but my words have no power. The only thing I knew would set her free was if I purchased the chain cutter that was strong enough to cut the chains. But I don't have enough money. My Lord, my Savior, O Wise and Holy One, what must be done?

Breaking Free

Lord, the darkness is taking me again. I know that even if I dislike admitting it, I'm human and I falter. But I'm unforgiving. And I'm most unforgiving to myself. I've set such a high standard on myself that when I fail, it's so hard to forgive myself. And since I feel bad about myself, I bite people's heads off. You know, I'm thinking the reason why I don't want to see my ex again is not because I'm still hurt. I'm not even in pain anymore. I haven't been in a long time. No, it's because I don't want to be reminded of my failure. I hate failing.

I feel stuck. I want to get out. I want to break free. I wish I could go away for a while. Live abroad, travel the world for a year or so. But You, Lord, said no. I think that's to make me strong. But I don't want to have to be strong all the time. I want someone to take care of me every now and then. A friend asked what kind of guy I wanted. I couldn't answer properly then. But I said I wanted someone who would take care of me. When I say take care, I mean financially, and also that he would protect me from having to face certain things myself. I want him to take charge and protect me emotionally, too. But I'm tired, Lord. So tired. I wish someone would comfort me. But everyone seems to see me as this strong woman who needs no comforting. I want to be taken care of for a change. I want to not be the one who has to solve the problem for a change. The fact that I don't know what to do to "get out there" frustrates me. I want to break free but I don't know how.

Lord, I am stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it. Help me, Lord, I implore You. Give me the full life You have promised. Change my mind and my heart. Open my eyes and my ears. Break this glass box I'm in and help me break free, Lord! Help me, help me, help me, Dear Father! Help me break free!

A General Darkness

It's Friday night. I'm wearing my new Spider-Man T-shirt, a cute red plaid skirt, and my favorite wedges... And I'm home, sitting alone on the floor of my room absently stroking the cat beside me. I am punishing myself.

My emotions have been so volatile lately, it's annoying. And today, I raised my voice against people I shouldn't be raising my voice to. This lack of self-control frustrates me. And makes me angrier than I already am. I know these thoughts are unbiblical. I know these thoughts should be rebuked and defeated. 

But the truth is I am angry. I am angry because I feel lost. My dreams and passions once roared with life, consumed me to the point of obsession. Now, nothing takes me that strongly or very long. And that makes me feel lost. My eyes used to see clearly the goal. Now, i don't even have a story to put me to sleep. The weeks go by so quickly. And I cannot help but just be carried off by its speed. It's like I have no control, and I'm just being swept away by the currents of time, my actions dictated only by routine and reaction. I feel overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done. But who else is there to blame but myself? I have too much on my plate, but at the same time, it's all so routine. But while it's routine, it's all going so fast! Socialize? I'm too tired just getting work done. Yes, I do delegate. No, I cannot afford more people.

I am angry because my friends are right that I haven't even been trying to meet new people. And that maybe I'm using work as a security blanket. Yes, I am affected. Do I want to break free from this? Of course, I do. But I have no idea how, and that frustrates me. It's so easy for them to say, socialize, go out more! Go out where?! Go out with whom?! Go travel by yourself and meet people. Cost, people! I run a business and it's almost Christmas! Easy for you to say that because you don't have to worry about 13th month pays and payrolls! Then, in the country, or even in the city. Dude! That doesn't work! Certainly not with my personality! 

I told a friend that two years ago, I could step in a room and be the most beautiful girl in the room. I can't do that anymore. He said, I could but I'm just too afraid. Maybe. Yes, I guess part of me is afraid. But I have tried to get over it. I have been to social functions. But once I step in there, a dark feeling just envelopes me saying, "What's the point? It's all a lie anyway." And my heart sinks and I stop projecting beauty. That is why I cannot do it anymore. Some friends would tell me, "rebuke it! That's the enemy speaking!" I can't. I try but I can't. I try reasoning with myself, but the small voice doesn't disappear. And so the only thing I can do now is keep praying that God will prove me wrong. I want to be proven wrong in this case. I want to believe that not all men are lying selfish cowards. I want to be fine already and go meet new people, and maybe even date again! But I can't shake the thought. I talked to a friend about men, and he basically said, yes, men are jerks. But I just had to understand that men are like that. That's it? Is that all life has to offer? I refuse to believe that! I don't want to accept that! I want to hold on to the promise that a certain Man died so that I can live life to the full, and that a full life doesn't mean a life where I had to just accept the fact that men were weaklings who couldn't face their dragons, especially when their princesses were their dragons. The stories of friends around me support the statement men are jerks. But God, God! Prove me wrong! 

Ramblings at 3 in the Morning

Lord. you said that my delighting in a person is a gift from You. It is something that should not be abhorred or shut off. And I like it, Lord. I thank You for the gift. It's just that sometimes I can't help but wish for more, and since that cannot be, my tendency is to shut it off. Forgive me. I guess I just didn't know how to deal with these things. It's not exactly something your parents teach. But You have been kind to me. And have taken away the squeezing in my heart. I thank You, Lord.

I saw him recently. And, Lord! The room suddenly lit up! And the next day, I was teetering between happiness and despair. But happiness was winning. :)

I've only told one friend of him. I seem to be embarrassed to admit that I admire someone. My friend says it's normal. And that I'm weird for being embarrassed. My pastor says (though not directly to me) not to give up. And I am torn between wanting to see him and wanting to shut him off completely.

Ah, Lord. I need to get out more and see other people. It does not do to pine after someone like this. There are days when I question if I am indeed beautiful, as some people say I am. Or if they are just saying that because they're friends of mine, or because they're Christian. Or if it really matters if I'm beautiful or not. Most likely, it doesn't. Well, I suppose it does, but not that much in this case. Ah, but I thank You for my looks anyway. If I am indeed beautiful, at the very least, even if it doesn't attract anyone, if seeing a pleasant face makes someone's day, then that's something to be grateful about. And it's good for business.

Listen to me, Lord. I sound like a high schooler. Why? How do you deal with these things anyway? I've always thought, and so that's what I've always done, that if you can't have someone you like, you shut him off and move on. You still have a world to change and so you don't have time to be lovesick. But I've been told recently that doing that locks away part of your heart. And that if I continue doing that, I will lose my heart completely. And it almost happened recently, remember? I felt like my heart had holes because it couldn't retain any good feeling. Turns out, it was missing pieces. And I had to go back into my past to retrieve the missing pieces... Only to have my heart pulled in a crush again.

But Lord, this is infinitely better than the state I was in. So, I thank You for pulling me out of that pit. I just want to deal with this correctly this time. I like someone. I cannot have him given current circumstances. I have a business to run, so I can't let heart issues get to me. I must not lose hope. I must not worry. I must not shut him off. But I will not pine for him.

There.

And now, here is my heart, Lord. You choose the man. I'll just concentrate on making great games.

Lord, I can't sleep. It's 3 in the morning. But I'm very happy for today, Lord. The team we love has asked for us back.

God's Time vs Signs

We often talk about waiting for God. The first Bible verse that really hit me as a young Christian was, "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10) And there are a lot of other passages of God telling his people to wait. Wait for the Lord. Be still before Him. And in church, we speak of that. Be patient, we tell each other. Wait for the Lord. But for most of us, we get impatient. A lot of single people are guilty of this. And one of the ways we try to force God to answer us is when we ask for a sign.

Now, I'm not saying the Lord does not give signs. He does. And we can certainly ask for them. But have we ever considered that maybe God doesn't want to give us a sign sometimes? And that the "sign" that we see is actually our own selves speeding up the progression of things by claiming a thing as a sign to justify the move that we are about to make? Can we truly say that we are waiting for the Lord?

"Lord, there were five coincidences involved with me meeting this man. That was a sign!" That was me, if you're wondering. But it didn't turn out the way I planned. That wasn't His plan. The man was part of His plan, but not what I planned for him. "Lord, the next girl that I have coffee with, that's the girl na ha! I claim it!" But what if He has other plans? Will you force the relationship, thinking, "this is my sign! I claimed it!" Like as if God has to follow us just because we claimed it. Now, sometimes, the person we eye is really God's chosen for us. But sometimes, He has other plans. And maybe, just maybe, the girl you have coffee with next is really just a girl you have coffee with.

What I'm trying to say is, when God tells you to wait, just wait. And when you ask for a sign, evaluate your motives. Because maybe you're trying to hurry God along, and are seeing "signs" He never intended as signs for something He doesn't intend to reveal yet. After all, our God loves surprises.

Lamentations: Men

An old friend of mine sent me a text this morning. She said she was attending the 10am service this morning, and was asking if I wanted to have lunch. I did. I hadn't seen her in a while. So, we attended the 10am service at Victory Fort (separately) and met up after to have lunch.

Friends with Benefits
She had just broken up with her boyfriend last December. Then recently, her ex had come back to her offering "Friends with Benefits" status. Of course, she was offended. Her ex didn't want to confront certain issues, like addiction and money. He wanted them not to talk about it, and just... date... and be friends... with benefits. Which really irritated me. And he had been her boyfriend of nine years! "Jerk!" A voice kept screaming in my head. "Selfish cowardly jerk!"

I really need to silence those voices in my head. (Still... Jerk!)

I'm glad to say I know not all men are like that. Another friend of mine, a guy, also broke up with his girlfriend recently. And when his ex offered to be a friend with benefits if it was the only way to get back to him, he was rightly offended. My guy friend's reaction was, "Is that how little you think of me? That you think I would just jump at a chance to bed any girl that offers?" He also felt bad about how little she valued herself, offering her body like that.

Still. Guys like my friend are rare. And the rise of people who prefer being friends with benefits, pleasure without the commitment, is something I find sad. Very sad.

The Decline in Good Men
Ask women today, and most would tell you, there is a decline in good men in this day and age. There are a lot of factors. There's the hypersexualization of media, and even children's toys! There's the rise in strong women. Some of my friends (even guys, even Christian guys) would even venture to tell you that deterioration of chivalry is partly also caused by the Christian church.

This is because some churches encourage their youth to start out as friends first before actually pursuing a girl. Now, I see how the church is trying to get the boys to avoid jumping head first into a relationship they might not yet be ready to be in. I understand that. And maybe if done properly, this works for some people. But for several of my guy friends, this practice leads to several negative things in their experience: 1.) They are immediately relegated to friend zone, and so have a difficult time getting out of it; or 2.) They feel like this practice promotes being a wimp, where guys can just "feel" around, not declaring their true intentions until they think it's "safe" that the girl will not reject them. (Which also frustrates the women, especially in this day and age where women are strong and would like men to stop beating around the bush and just be clear as to their intentions) 3.) They think it confuses the women because we have to create a sort of "limbo" category where guys are friends, but not quite. It is confusing and frustrating that we just throw them into the friends category if they take too long.

Strong and Loyal Men
We, women, like making lists. While it's not bad to list the qualities one wants in a man, I find that I throw this list out the window. The basic ones stay, of course. God-fearing, able to support a family, loving, loyal... But even at the basics, it's already so hard to find a suitable guy. I'm not compromising the basics. That's for sure. But "a loyal man, who can find?" And I used to want strong tough gentlemanly men, but the definition to that has changed over the past year. Most of them are only manly on the outside. But inside, where it counts, where it's now about honor and what is right, and no longer about opening doors and pulling out chairs, many fail. And I would much prefer a man who is honorable inside, than a suave disciple of Barney Stinson. But those honorable ones are rare. I've seen some. But they're just so rare nowadays.

Dormant Long Enough

My King,

 I thank You for the weekend. I was able to see my friends. Thank You for taking care of them. They have a renewed outlook in life. And we were able to talk and come up with a book! I hope they can finish it soon. I really think it will work.

 I also thank You for the Cymatics experiment. I'm so glad it worked, even if we could only do a very limited range of patterns. I hope to be able to make more patterns, and more defined ones, at that. Lord, my friends and sisters might not be able to appreciate the significance of this experiment. But I do. I do it, and I see Your wonders. It is lovely, Lord. It is exciting! It's like finding out a wonderful secret, like being given a glimpse of the inner workings of creation. So much fun.

Thank You also for the lessons, and for helping me realize that I've been dormant long enough. It is time to forget the whining, the pining and the worrying. It is time to pick myself up and resume doing what I do best. And that is to fulfill dreams. This ability, I cannot do without You. But with You, my God, I can do anything. I know the desires in my heart come from You. And so do the opportunities. You've laid everything out for me already. And what do I do? I whine about men.

But enough of that. You told me to open my eyes. It is time to move now. I see what You've given before me, waiting only for me to pick up the reigns and get on with it already. And so I will. 

Four months left of the year. I will maximize it. 

 My God, this is for You.

To the bard who saw through my mask

Dear Sir,

Thank you. It truly was by the hand of the Almighty One that we met that evening amidst the columns of books. From one human being to another, thank you for hearing my woes and for not despising my tears. From one storyteller to another, thank you for reminding me that the true treasure of a storyteller is not her ideas but her heart. Indeed, how does one expect to make people feel when the storyteller herself does not wish to feel? 

With your kind indulgence, I would like to ask your assistance once more in this area of emotions, and be my reader as I retrace my steps and pick up the pieces of my heart I left behind. I would like to invite you to join me as a friend as I finally face these emotions I have long run away from.

Just like you, I live in the world of words. And if there is something that can truly hurt me, it would not be surprising that it would be words. I had prayed and pondered in the hopes that there would be another way to gain my stories back without having to relive the first time I had actually loved a man. Unfortunately, as you’ve already pointed out, there is no other way but through the storm. So, with your kind indulgence, here I go.

“I have no time for you.”

Those were his words that broke my heart. They were cold impatient words that left me feeling confused and hurt and worthless. But I was a proud woman, and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction that he had hurt me. So I pretended to be alright, told him to keep safe, and wished him the best.

He was a professor in the technologies. A quiet kind of man. His seemingly gentlemanly ways was what had attracted me to him. It was Valentine’s Day when he first asked me out. And, well, it continued from there. 

It was a wonderful feeling starting out. Little things like him walking on the more dangerous side of the road, or his opening the door for me were enough to make my day. I liked that. It made me feel protected and taken care of. Everything was great for a while, until one day, a parent complained about him. He took it badly. And everything just spiraled down from there. 

He got depressed. I didn’t know what to do. Nothing I did seemed to work. But after a time, he seemed to come out of his depression. We went out again. We were alright again. On Mother’s Day, we sent each other messages asking where each of our families were going to celebrate... Then the next day, silence.

All of a sudden, he just started ignoring me. We didn’t fight. We didn’t have any misunderstanding. Literally, the next day, he just started ignoring me. And for five days, I bore the confusion and hurt and worry, not knowing where I stood with him, not knowing exactly what I had done for him to ignore me all of a sudden. I tried talking to him. But his answers were short and impatient. Thinking he just needed time, I left him to himself. But after five days, I couldn’t bear it any longer, I asked him why he was ignoring me. And that was when he spoke those cold, impatient, devastating words, like as if I wasn’t even worthy to be broken up with properly. It was like he ignored me in the hopes that I would just disappear.

Barely a month after that night, he went and got himself a new girl. He was over me in a month, but I wasn’t over him yet. I still missed him. I was still confused then as to what had suddenly happened and why it was happening. Why would he tell me he loved me one day, and not a month after, made me feel worthless? Discarded! All I needed was an explanation. I knew relationships could fail. I entered it knowing that. But couldn't he even give me a decent explanation as to what had happened? Was that too much to ask? If he really loved me, couldn’t he bear the discomfort and sit me down and tell me that it just wasn’t working between us? But I wasn’t even worth that. I wasn’t worth that bother... Anyway, I was too much of a coward then to seek him out and ask for an explanation. I just needed to get as far away from him as quickly as possible.

It hurt so bad. I felt confused and angry and worthless. But I had responsibilities, and so I kept myself busy. And every time the memory of him or of that night popped up, I stamped it out as fast as I could so that I would no longer need to feel the confusion and the anger and the hurt.

And that, dear Sir, was how I lost that part of my heart. I am stepping out in faith, that my acknowledging these emotions and events would help me in the rebuilding of my heart. So that I can finally be complete and at full life, as I enter into the service of the Kingdom. Know also, dear Sir, that this exercise of feeling has also made me grieve for you and your brother. Because now, I can say that I truly do know how it feels to miss someone dear. May the Almighty One bless and keep you. 

And once again, thank you.

Before the songs grow faint..

Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, "I find no pleasure in them"— before the sun and the light and the moon and the stars grow dark, and the clouds return after the rain; when the keepers of the house tremble, and the strong men stoop, when the grinders cease because they are few, and those looking through the windows grow dim; when the doors to the street are closed and the sound of grinding fades; when people rise up at the sound of birds, but all their songs grow faint; when people are afraid of heights and of dangers in the streets; when the almond tree blossoms and the grasshopper drags itself along and desire no longer is stirred. Then people go to their eternal home and mourners go about the streets. Remember him—before the silver cord is severed, and the golden bowl is broken; before the pitcher is shattered at the spring, and the wheel broken at the well, and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it. (Ecclesiastes 12:1-7 NIV)

Solomon explains the feeling so well. I suppose Ecclesiastes was written so we know that this feeling really comes. Lord, I will remember You. Because everything is meaningless. The only point is You.

Open your eyes. Do the possible.

Sunday morning, I prayed. I was generally okay, but there were patches of darkness I had brought before my God. I asked for forgiveness. I asked for help. I asked. I told Him how I felt and what my concerns were. I was looking for something I still couldn't find. "... Or are my eyes closed, Lord?" I asked. "Open my eyes if [what I seek] is nearby. If not, then please bring [what I seek] to me. Or me to [what I seek]. Lord, please, do not forget me. Speak to me, Lord. I need You."

And I went to church. The preaching for the week was 'Prayer.' But to my surprise, the Pastor talked about eyes opening. That God opens eyes, and God closes eyes. That He opened the eyes of Elisha's servant so that he could see that there are more for us than there are against us.

Now that I think about it, I don't remember what the connection between eyes and prayer was in the preaching. I'll have to listen to it again via podcast once that comes out. But it just surprised me that from my prayer that morning, to the songs, to the preaching, it was all about opening eyes.

What am I not seeing? Who am I not seeing? What should I be seeing? My God has a tendency to answer me in one aspect of life when my question is for another. So in this case, Lord, what are we talking about? Lord, is what I seek nearby? Or is what is nearby something I should be seeking? I am listening, Lord. Speak. And open my eyes, Lord. What do You want me to see?

And so the Pastor continued with the preaching on Prayer. And that prayer without works is like rowing with one hand. It will only bring you around in circles. One should pray. Then act, having faith that God hears one's prayer. How do you expect to find a job when you're not even applying? Or how do you expect to get rich if you're not even making an effort to save anything? We often expect supernatural things from God but we forget that the world was created by Him, too. Why wouldn't He use what He's already created. Look around, the Pastor said. God may have already given you what you need. God only expects you to do what is possible. You leave the impossible to God.

After the service, I bought a devotional because I had already finished the ones I had. Then I went to Starbucks in Fully Booked to enjoy a little bit of solitude. Prayed some more. Tried to make sense of my thoughts. Then I went home.

Then when I opened the new devotional I bought, the first entry said, "My job is to take care of the possible and trust God with the impossible."

I do not believe in coincidences.

Where's the Girl?

I remember days full of restlessness and fury.
I remember nights that were drunk on dreams.
I remember someone who hungered for the glory.
I remember her, but it seems she's gone.

Where's the girl? Where's the girl with the blaze in her eyes?
Where's the girl with that gaze of surprise?
Now and then I still dream of her fire.

Where's the girl who could turn on the edge of a knife?
Where's the girl who was burning for life?
I can still see her eyes in my mem'ry.

And I know she remembers how fearless it feels
To take off with the wind at her heels.
She and I took this world like a storm.

Come again!
Let the girl in your heart tumble free.
Bring your renegade heart home to me.
In the dark of the morning, come warm me.
Come rouse me.

Dreaming girl, don't forget, recall who you are.
You were cut from a great fiery star.
Like a jewel in the sky blazing fire.

Where's the girl so alive and still aching for more?
You had dreams that were worth dying for.
You were caught in the eye of a storm.

Come again!
Let the girl in your heart tumble free.
Bring your renegade heart home to me.
In the dark of the morning, come warm me.

Come rouse me.

Where's the girl?
Is she gazing at me with surprise?
Do I still see that blaze in her eyes?
Am I dreaming, or is she inside me now?

This is my song at the moment. Changed the lyrics a bit. Ah, I used to be so fired up. And while I like what I've become, I miss the bold and unafraid part of me. I will find her. She's in here somewhere. And I will find her.

Taken from "Where's the Girl?"
Scarlet Pimpernel Musical
Music by Frank Wildhorn
Original Lyrics by Nan Knighton

A Prayer for my People

As my car turned to drive away from the office today, I saw one of our boys skipping to catch up with the others to catch a jeep home. It made me smile. My people were happy. 

I have ten people. Two were greatly affected by the recent storm. Several got stranded and got home at midnight. But all of them are safe. And despite the flooding, they still have that skip in their step, that playfulness in their banter, that easy laugh about them. 

The worst of the storm seems over now. I thank You for keeping them safe during this recent storm. And Lord, continue to protect them, especially in this rainy season. Some of them live far away. Some of them live in flood-prone areas. Some of them live in cities near bays. Some of them live in towns that are already in a state of calamity. I care for them, Lord, but there is only so much I can do. You have given them to me. And this is probably one of the biggest blessings You've given me. Protect them, Lord. They are precious to me. 

Vampires that we are

I found an interesting podcast called, "How to hug a Vampire." I listened to it last night. I'm sure you'd agree that around us, there are people who suck the life out of us. Emotional vampires, some call them. But what the podcast was saying was that, most of the time, the vampires are our own selves.

I find, in my case anyway, that there is truth in this. We complain about how certain people around us are so draining and annoying. But many times, us complaining actually adds to the good-vibe-leakage. In my case, the only one really darkening my day is me. Client not yet paying. Urgh, agencies. But I already know agencies pay slow. So who's making my life miserable by fretting? Me. Phone line taking too long to get transferred. But I already know the phone company takes long. Who's sucking the life out of me by worrying? Me. Who's blaming me for not anticipating the problems, and making me feel bad doing so? Me. Nobody's else is blaming me. It's really just me. All I see are the problems. But I want to break free of that. Primarily, it's not other people who suck the life out of me. I suck my own life out of me. And I want to change that. I want to be an encourager, like my friend, Macky. I want to be a morale-booster, like another friend, Martin. I want to show the ones who are precious to me that I care. I want to look outside, and not keep on looking in and at how I feel. I want to be pleasant. I want to be brave. I want to have strong faith. I want to look at a problem and say, "Challenge accepted," instead of whining about how things are not going my way.

And so today, I shall try that. May my God drive a stake into that vampiric part of me, that the human part may live life, and live it to the full.

Let Us

A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. They gathered in such large numbers that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. Some men came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”
-Mark 2:1-5

These past few weeks, the message that has been persistent in my quiet time, in church, and basically, my life, has been community. I have friends. But do I really have community? I have to stop and think. I have close friends, friends I would protect and defend. I have friends whose company really lights up my day, and I'd never trade them for the world. But I don't confide in them. Sometimes, I do, when it's not too severe. But I don't always talk about the darkness. Don't get me wrong. I trust them with my life. But then I have to protect them from the darkness, right? That's why I shouldn't be talking to them about it. Because that darkness inside me is a spirit that might consume them, too, if I open myself and let out too much of it. Besides, isn't that just whining on my part?

Community. Community. Lord, You'll need to teach me in this area. I'm a bit blank. What do You want me to learn?

Moodcasting

Not so long ago, I asked my brother why I was stuck where I was. I was stuck in a dark emotion. I was stuck in a not-so-ideal financial situation. And I felt stuck. I asked what he thought my Creator was teaching me, or what he thought I was doing wrong. And my brother told me I was not ready for power.

Of course, at that time, I thought, "Not ready for power? I run a company!" I have been wielding power. Power is normal. And it's not like I abuse mine. I take care of the people given to me. What was my brother talking about? But lately, I've been seeing the truth in my brother's statement. I have a feeling he was talking about something else when he said what he said. But it's true nonetheless. I'm starting to see the power I actually have. And how I haven't been wielding it properly.

Funny how just a few months ago, the camp I attended was all about authority: submitting to it and wielding it. And my friend, Macky, had talked about wielding power at the camp. Also, I made a story that talked about this power. My brother, my friends, and even I have talked about power and this particular power. But I never really realized until recently what relation it had with me. I guess that's how our God teaches: over time and through different people.

I have a power. I call it Moodcasting.

I think all of us moodcast. And like any kind of ability, some of us have stronger moodcasting skills than others. In my case, I became aware of the intensity of my power when I did an evaluation within my little empire. And I found out that when I fret in the office, my people pick it up. They become afraid and uncomfortable. Their request was for me to be strong so that they would be strong. They want me to be unfazed so that they would be unfazed in the face of the unexpected. Whatever I felt, I cast. And what I cast, my people absorbed.

It was the same at home. My mother was always angry when I was angry. And so was my little sister. My brother had a low moodcasting ability. But his absorption was also low, which meant that he didn't get affected by emotions very quickly. But the rest caught fire quite quickly. And I was among the most frequent fire-setters in the family.

Of course, if my mood was good, that got caught, too. Somehow, people around me expected me to be happy, confident and not easily affected. Because if I wasn't, they'd pick it up. And they know it. And they asked me to do something about it.

The truth is, I didn't realize I had this power. And another truth is that I haven't been using it well. But it has been given to me, and now I must learn to wield it. And with God as my strength, I will learn to wield this.

Heavy

My heart is heavy, Lord. This time, I know it has nothing to do about money. Then again, I've known that for a while. I remember that Thursday in February in the Library last year, before this all began. It had already been like this then. It has nothing to do with pain. It has nothing to do with failure and broken relationships. I remember my prayer then. I remember how I felt. It's the same still. It has nothing to do with circumstance or experience. Lord, there is so much to be thankful for. So much to rejoice about. But why, Lord, why does my heart refuse to take flight? Every little thing annoys me. And I have no reason to be angry. I just am. I wish, Lord, to be everything You want me to be: loving, kind, patient... joyful. You've given me everything to be that. But why, Lord, can't I bring myself to just be happy? Why is my heart so stubborn? Why do I see the falling roof, and not the big new office? Why do I see the expense of having to buy new computers, and not the fact that we're expanding? We have money! Why am I on edge?

Is this stepping out of my comfort zone, Lord? I'm comfortable starting things so, doing something new is not uncomfortable to me. Is this it? Ah, Lord. I don't like myself very much at the moment. Please don't be insulted. I don't mean to do that. It's just that, You must admit, I'm not exactly delightful right now. Ah! Why can't I be strong and unfazed when things happen? My people look to me. They expect me to be strong. I want to be strong. And yet they see me crumble. This isn't good. What about when I have children? I have to be strong and unfazed for my children, too. They cannot see me crumble. Ah! Such a big thing that needs to be fixed. I know in my head what needs to be done, but everything else of me is not cooperating! I'm such a whiner and I can't help it!

Lord, fix me! I want to be fixed. I want to live in love. I want to be joyful. See? Being joyful isn't even for me alone. My people feel more secure when I'm happy. My family, too! My family is like paper. They catch fire so easily when I'm raging. But when I'm happy, that seems to be caught, too. But me? Me, joyful? I have to be the one to set the mood? While one part of me likes that kind of power, can I even wield it properly? Look at me, Lord! A little thing and I cry. A little thing and I'm angry. It's just a ceiling! It's just picking my sister up! Why do these things annoy me so?

Lord, fix me. They say You qualify those You call. Pat told me something about not being able to wield power. But Lord, You gave me this mood-setting power. And Lord, I cannot wield this properly. Oh, Lord, please. Teach me to reign in my emotions. Teach me to smile even though I want to bare my fangs. Teach me to draw my strength and confidence in You even when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. Teach me, Lord. I will listen. Change my heart. I lay it at Your feet.

Ceiling Coming Down

Lord, I thank You that we're finally moving to a new place. I thank You for giving the provisions for us to move. You are truly a God of timing. You are truly a God who is good.

Lord, forgive me for whining. The ceiling of the new office sagged when we took off support. And, while I know this is nothing, and You'll take care of it, I couldn't help but feel... like there was no one to protect me at that time. I felt a little alone. Ah, I couldn't help but wish there was a man to help me. I couldn't help but wish I had the man. But this is absurd, Lord. Even if I had the man. He wouldn't be able to help me, either. Because he wouldn't be running this empire. I still would. Anyway, Lord, it was just a feeling. A sudden longing to be rescued. I had rather thought I was over these kinds of feeling for a while. Apparently not. Apparently, I still... long. Ah, Lord, I need to be strong. I need to get over feelings like this.