Ramblings at 3 in the Morning

Lord. you said that my delighting in a person is a gift from You. It is something that should not be abhorred or shut off. And I like it, Lord. I thank You for the gift. It's just that sometimes I can't help but wish for more, and since that cannot be, my tendency is to shut it off. Forgive me. I guess I just didn't know how to deal with these things. It's not exactly something your parents teach. But You have been kind to me. And have taken away the squeezing in my heart. I thank You, Lord.

I saw him recently. And, Lord! The room suddenly lit up! And the next day, I was teetering between happiness and despair. But happiness was winning. :)

I've only told one friend of him. I seem to be embarrassed to admit that I admire someone. My friend says it's normal. And that I'm weird for being embarrassed. My pastor says (though not directly to me) not to give up. And I am torn between wanting to see him and wanting to shut him off completely.

Ah, Lord. I need to get out more and see other people. It does not do to pine after someone like this. There are days when I question if I am indeed beautiful, as some people say I am. Or if they are just saying that because they're friends of mine, or because they're Christian. Or if it really matters if I'm beautiful or not. Most likely, it doesn't. Well, I suppose it does, but not that much in this case. Ah, but I thank You for my looks anyway. If I am indeed beautiful, at the very least, even if it doesn't attract anyone, if seeing a pleasant face makes someone's day, then that's something to be grateful about. And it's good for business.

Listen to me, Lord. I sound like a high schooler. Why? How do you deal with these things anyway? I've always thought, and so that's what I've always done, that if you can't have someone you like, you shut him off and move on. You still have a world to change and so you don't have time to be lovesick. But I've been told recently that doing that locks away part of your heart. And that if I continue doing that, I will lose my heart completely. And it almost happened recently, remember? I felt like my heart had holes because it couldn't retain any good feeling. Turns out, it was missing pieces. And I had to go back into my past to retrieve the missing pieces... Only to have my heart pulled in a crush again.

But Lord, this is infinitely better than the state I was in. So, I thank You for pulling me out of that pit. I just want to deal with this correctly this time. I like someone. I cannot have him given current circumstances. I have a business to run, so I can't let heart issues get to me. I must not lose hope. I must not worry. I must not shut him off. But I will not pine for him.

There.

And now, here is my heart, Lord. You choose the man. I'll just concentrate on making great games.

Lord, I can't sleep. It's 3 in the morning. But I'm very happy for today, Lord. The team we love has asked for us back.