Lamentations: Men

An old friend of mine sent me a text this morning. She said she was attending the 10am service this morning, and was asking if I wanted to have lunch. I did. I hadn't seen her in a while. So, we attended the 10am service at Victory Fort (separately) and met up after to have lunch.

Friends with Benefits
She had just broken up with her boyfriend last December. Then recently, her ex had come back to her offering "Friends with Benefits" status. Of course, she was offended. Her ex didn't want to confront certain issues, like addiction and money. He wanted them not to talk about it, and just... date... and be friends... with benefits. Which really irritated me. And he had been her boyfriend of nine years! "Jerk!" A voice kept screaming in my head. "Selfish cowardly jerk!"

I really need to silence those voices in my head. (Still... Jerk!)

I'm glad to say I know not all men are like that. Another friend of mine, a guy, also broke up with his girlfriend recently. And when his ex offered to be a friend with benefits if it was the only way to get back to him, he was rightly offended. My guy friend's reaction was, "Is that how little you think of me? That you think I would just jump at a chance to bed any girl that offers?" He also felt bad about how little she valued herself, offering her body like that.

Still. Guys like my friend are rare. And the rise of people who prefer being friends with benefits, pleasure without the commitment, is something I find sad. Very sad.

The Decline in Good Men
Ask women today, and most would tell you, there is a decline in good men in this day and age. There are a lot of factors. There's the hypersexualization of media, and even children's toys! There's the rise in strong women. Some of my friends (even guys, even Christian guys) would even venture to tell you that deterioration of chivalry is partly also caused by the Christian church.

This is because some churches encourage their youth to start out as friends first before actually pursuing a girl. Now, I see how the church is trying to get the boys to avoid jumping head first into a relationship they might not yet be ready to be in. I understand that. And maybe if done properly, this works for some people. But for several of my guy friends, this practice leads to several negative things in their experience: 1.) They are immediately relegated to friend zone, and so have a difficult time getting out of it; or 2.) They feel like this practice promotes being a wimp, where guys can just "feel" around, not declaring their true intentions until they think it's "safe" that the girl will not reject them. (Which also frustrates the women, especially in this day and age where women are strong and would like men to stop beating around the bush and just be clear as to their intentions) 3.) They think it confuses the women because we have to create a sort of "limbo" category where guys are friends, but not quite. It is confusing and frustrating that we just throw them into the friends category if they take too long.

Strong and Loyal Men
We, women, like making lists. While it's not bad to list the qualities one wants in a man, I find that I throw this list out the window. The basic ones stay, of course. God-fearing, able to support a family, loving, loyal... But even at the basics, it's already so hard to find a suitable guy. I'm not compromising the basics. That's for sure. But "a loyal man, who can find?" And I used to want strong tough gentlemanly men, but the definition to that has changed over the past year. Most of them are only manly on the outside. But inside, where it counts, where it's now about honor and what is right, and no longer about opening doors and pulling out chairs, many fail. And I would much prefer a man who is honorable inside, than a suave disciple of Barney Stinson. But those honorable ones are rare. I've seen some. But they're just so rare nowadays.