Heavy

My heart is heavy, Lord. This time, I know it has nothing to do about money. Then again, I've known that for a while. I remember that Thursday in February in the Library last year, before this all began. It had already been like this then. It has nothing to do with pain. It has nothing to do with failure and broken relationships. I remember my prayer then. I remember how I felt. It's the same still. It has nothing to do with circumstance or experience. Lord, there is so much to be thankful for. So much to rejoice about. But why, Lord, why does my heart refuse to take flight? Every little thing annoys me. And I have no reason to be angry. I just am. I wish, Lord, to be everything You want me to be: loving, kind, patient... joyful. You've given me everything to be that. But why, Lord, can't I bring myself to just be happy? Why is my heart so stubborn? Why do I see the falling roof, and not the big new office? Why do I see the expense of having to buy new computers, and not the fact that we're expanding? We have money! Why am I on edge?

Is this stepping out of my comfort zone, Lord? I'm comfortable starting things so, doing something new is not uncomfortable to me. Is this it? Ah, Lord. I don't like myself very much at the moment. Please don't be insulted. I don't mean to do that. It's just that, You must admit, I'm not exactly delightful right now. Ah! Why can't I be strong and unfazed when things happen? My people look to me. They expect me to be strong. I want to be strong. And yet they see me crumble. This isn't good. What about when I have children? I have to be strong and unfazed for my children, too. They cannot see me crumble. Ah! Such a big thing that needs to be fixed. I know in my head what needs to be done, but everything else of me is not cooperating! I'm such a whiner and I can't help it!

Lord, fix me! I want to be fixed. I want to live in love. I want to be joyful. See? Being joyful isn't even for me alone. My people feel more secure when I'm happy. My family, too! My family is like paper. They catch fire so easily when I'm raging. But when I'm happy, that seems to be caught, too. But me? Me, joyful? I have to be the one to set the mood? While one part of me likes that kind of power, can I even wield it properly? Look at me, Lord! A little thing and I cry. A little thing and I'm angry. It's just a ceiling! It's just picking my sister up! Why do these things annoy me so?

Lord, fix me. They say You qualify those You call. Pat told me something about not being able to wield power. But Lord, You gave me this mood-setting power. And Lord, I cannot wield this properly. Oh, Lord, please. Teach me to reign in my emotions. Teach me to smile even though I want to bare my fangs. Teach me to draw my strength and confidence in You even when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. Teach me, Lord. I will listen. Change my heart. I lay it at Your feet.