Grace

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV)

Lord, I am weak. I have no strength. I am afraid. I feel evil and ignorant. I feel like they don't understand me or my apprehensions. They see no problem. I am freaking out for reasons they cannot understand. "Don't you want to be loved?" I don't know what to do. I don't even know what exactly to pray for. I don't have any explanation for my fears. But I am afraid of loss. I am afraid of my inadequacies and how it destroys and hurts even if that is not my intention. Because he's the last person person I'd like to hurt.

I am weak, Lord. I am helpless. I have no power to do anything. Because whatever I do will hurt him. I am sad and alone, he is hurt. I am happy and with someone, he is hurt. I hide that I've gone out with someone, he is hurt. I let him know things, he is hurt. I hide things from him, he is hurt. I treat him as a comrade, he is hurt. I ignore him, he is hurt. I get close to him, he is hurt. Lord, he is a good man, undeserving of this torment that he is in. His courage has to be rewarded, not punished. But I can do nothing because he's in turmoil because of me! Evil, ignorant, unkind me.

Be kind to him, Lord. Heal his broken heart. Take him into Your arms and tell him it will be okay. Tell him You will reward his courage. Tell him he need not encase his heart in ice. Tell him he need not wear that armor of pain. Tell him that everything will be fine. Tell him that he is loved, because he doesn't hear me. Give him a kind sensible woman, Lord. One who would appreciate his gifts and take very good care of his heart.

And Lord, give me Your grace. For again, I feel lost and adrift with my bruised and battered heart. Dark. Cold. Unbeating.