Of Men Past

God, O, God,

My Protector, my Redeemer, my Lord. To You be glory and honor forever. You are the Creator of the world, the Author of my life. Nothing is hidden from You. You protect those who are Yours.

I am Yours, am I not? O Lord, why is the spirit of sadness coming over me? I met a man who is dear to me. He is a sweet sweet man. Very decent. Very kind. He was the first man I ever really went out with. And praise be to You, Lord, that my first man was a kind and decent one. But I was young then, and he was ready to settle down. And we drifted apart before we even officially became an item. He is married now to a nice girl, and I am very happy for him.

He gave me a book he had written. I had distanced myself from that world after my first boyfriend had broken my heart. The world of stories was a world of chivalry and true love to me. And when we broke up, I felt that that world turned out not to be true, and that true love was nothing but a wish that can never be found in the real world. Of course, circumstance has taught me that true love does exist but that what we think as true love is really not love but a feeling we associate with love. And that true love is not romantic. On the contrary, it is that thing that keeps us going even when the feeling is gone.

I read the book and I found I had missed this world, this world where anything can happen. Where people were chivalrous. Where love was true. And the thing about stories is you can get a glimpse of the heart of the writer from the text. And when he talked about an absence of a formal relationship with a particular girl, and tears threatening to burst when he saw the girl with another guy, I suddenly couldn't help but think if I had not hurt him back when we parted years ago.

He is still kind and decent now. I saw no bitterness in him when I met him again. We didn't hang out anymore. He was married now. It wouldn't be proper. And when we'd have lunch, he would make sure we had a third person with us.

I liked that. I appreciated that. It made me respect him more. It made me feel protected.

And it made me cry that after this man, what seemed to follow in my life was a series of broken guys.

I can't say I regret that I didn't pursue a relationship with this man. If I had back then, I would probably just hurt him. I was still selfish and self-centered back when I met him (I still am but I think it has been greatly turned down now). I can't say I regret falling in love with the broken and hurting guy who became my first boyfriend because that taught me a lot about men, relationships and myself. And it sent me crawling to my God. So I can't say I regret it. But I just felt sad.