Yesterday, we did a recording for a game we're making. Macky, who's our head writer for this project, played the character with the saddest lines. He gave me the role of his mother. We all did a run through. And I told him I couldn't do it. But the truth was, there was a battle inside me. I wanted to do the mother's lines because I felt I could do the voice he wanted for her. I didn't want to do it because I knew I had to feel what she was feeling in order to do it properly. In the end, I lost the battle. I said I couldn't do it.
As I was watching Macky really step into the character as he did his parts, I couldn't help but think, "Wow, this guy isn't afraid of emotions." ... Afraid of what? Emotions. You're afraid of emotions? I liked to think not, but I can't deny the fact that I didn't want to feel it. You're afraid to cry? Hard to answer yes, when I keep crying when things get overwhelming. But yes, I'm afraid to cry. But more than that, I'm a little afraid to be swept in the emotion. Gah. It feels so good (in my brain) when I read about it. But when I'm actually in it, I kind of panic. I'm afraid to feel. And acting, well, acting requires that you get in it.
Oh, Lord, I'm not actually afraid of strong emotions (not counting rage), am I? I can't be. I love it!.. In the books anyway. I love Gen's emotional struggle. I love Percy's bleeding heart. I like the epic characters' tears and feeling of helplessness. And I also love the passions and stolen kisses and gentle touches in the romance novels. But then, no, it's different in the books. In the brain it's controlled. In the heart... it's too hard for me to control.
But this is absurd. How can someone be afraid to feel? But then, even my discipler thought I kept running away from my emotions...
Waaah! Lord! Am I? Is that why I hardly ever fell in love? Is that why I dislike retreats with testimonials because their tears will sweep me?
That's it, isn't it? I'm afraid of the loss of control. Lord! Help! I'm a control freak!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Young Couple
Yesterday, I had lunch at friends' house. They were old friends. I first met them, I think, a decade ago. We did comics. Anyway, these two just got married last year, and had just recently moved to a new apartment. It was quaint, just the right size for the two of them. Well-lit. And it had a small veranda. And my friend said he and his wife would just spend the evenings out there, talking about problems and life in general.
I thought that was a beautiful picture. A young couple, on their own in the big city. There are problems, yes. But they were in this together.
I thought that was a beautiful picture. A young couple, on their own in the big city. There are problems, yes. But they were in this together.
Young Couple
Yesterday, I had lunch at friends' house. They were old friends. I first met them, I think, a decade ago. We did comics. Anyway, these two just got married last year, and had just recently moved to a new apartment. It was quaint, just the right size for the two of them. Well-lit. And it had a small veranda. And my friend said he and his wife would just spend the evenings out there, talking about problems and life in general.
I thought that was a beautiful picture. A young couple, on their own in the big city. There are problems, yes. But they were in this together.
I thought that was a beautiful picture. A young couple, on their own in the big city. There are problems, yes. But they were in this together.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
The Existence of Such
Lord, no matter what happens, Your will be done. I know Your plans for me are good. But You wouldn't show me that a man with that kind of thinking can exist, then deny me of it, right? Lord, be kind to me.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
3HM Hang-out
Three-headed Monster (3HM). That was what we called our trio. Well, it's been a long time since my two sisters and I hung-out for a whole day. What with work and all. Most Saturdays, we'd just stay home and laze around, too tired to go anywhere. Other Saturdays, Maita or I would have an event. Other Saturdays, Marie would have to work. But finally, this Saturday, we were able to have the day to ourselves.
The plan was to watch Sherlock Holmes. But the first show in Market Market was not until 1:15pm. So we decided to have brunch at Mercato before the movie. The sun was shining, and there was a cool breeze. It was a beautiful day. And brunching over dinuguan, burger, cheesy potatoes, and tofu with mushroom over conversations of dreams on a grand-scale... perfect. For an hour or so, we didn't have to think of negligent bookkeepers, demanding bosses, or frustrating financial situations. For that hour, we were in our world where everything was beautiful, delicious, and epic.
We had gelato to go for dessert, which we ate in Marie's car over 90's boy-band music. Ah, 90's Pop, how we liked you then. So we were singing to Nsync. Maita was explaining to us what the singers must have meant with the lyrics. And we all kept laughing and making fun of each other.
To top the day, we watched Sherlock Holmes, which was a nice movie. Then we made a short stop at Saizen (currently our favorite store), then called it a day. All in all a wonderful day. Thank you, Lord, for this day. Please bless my sisters and protect them always.
Now, if we could do this again in April... at the RT Booklovers Convention in Chicago. Magical thinking! I will continue to hope. ^_- <3
The plan was to watch Sherlock Holmes. But the first show in Market Market was not until 1:15pm. So we decided to have brunch at Mercato before the movie. The sun was shining, and there was a cool breeze. It was a beautiful day. And brunching over dinuguan, burger, cheesy potatoes, and tofu with mushroom over conversations of dreams on a grand-scale... perfect. For an hour or so, we didn't have to think of negligent bookkeepers, demanding bosses, or frustrating financial situations. For that hour, we were in our world where everything was beautiful, delicious, and epic.
We had gelato to go for dessert, which we ate in Marie's car over 90's boy-band music. Ah, 90's Pop, how we liked you then. So we were singing to Nsync. Maita was explaining to us what the singers must have meant with the lyrics. And we all kept laughing and making fun of each other.
To top the day, we watched Sherlock Holmes, which was a nice movie. Then we made a short stop at Saizen (currently our favorite store), then called it a day. All in all a wonderful day. Thank you, Lord, for this day. Please bless my sisters and protect them always.
Now, if we could do this again in April... at the RT Booklovers Convention in Chicago. Magical thinking! I will continue to hope. ^_- <3
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Whom shall I fear?
"The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?"
- Psalm 27:1
This passage appeared twice to me this day. Once during my quiet time this morning. And again when I was checking my phone later in the day. Is there something about this passage that I need to really understand?
The Lord is my light and my salvation. I have experienced the darkness. It is a dark hole that robs you of the energy to climb back out. In that hole, you are both hurt and dead at the same time. You are sad, but nothing matters at the same time. And even if you are able to climb out of the hole, on top are rickety wooden planks that, if you're not careful, will break and you'll find yourself falling back into the pit. Only the Lord was my light there. Nobody could take me out of that darkness. Not my family. Not my friends. And certainly not me. He was the light that chased away the darkness. He was salvation, the one who pulled me out of the pit. He still saves me, even now. And I have to have faith that He will continue to do so. And as my light, I have to trust that He will guide my way. He is my light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear? But I do fear, don't I? The fact that I'm anxious, or worried, or irritated shows that I fear, doesn't it? But, Lord, whom shall I fear? Why should I fear them? My God is bigger. Open the eyes of my heart, Lord, so that I could see Your true nature. So that I would see that You are indeed bigger than my problems.
The Lord is the strength of my life. I will draw my strength from Him. For his strength is infinite. And so, of whom shall I be afraid? I shouldn't be afraid. I won't be afraid, and trust in the Lord.
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?"
- Psalm 27:1
This passage appeared twice to me this day. Once during my quiet time this morning. And again when I was checking my phone later in the day. Is there something about this passage that I need to really understand?
The Lord is my light and my salvation. I have experienced the darkness. It is a dark hole that robs you of the energy to climb back out. In that hole, you are both hurt and dead at the same time. You are sad, but nothing matters at the same time. And even if you are able to climb out of the hole, on top are rickety wooden planks that, if you're not careful, will break and you'll find yourself falling back into the pit. Only the Lord was my light there. Nobody could take me out of that darkness. Not my family. Not my friends. And certainly not me. He was the light that chased away the darkness. He was salvation, the one who pulled me out of the pit. He still saves me, even now. And I have to have faith that He will continue to do so. And as my light, I have to trust that He will guide my way. He is my light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear? But I do fear, don't I? The fact that I'm anxious, or worried, or irritated shows that I fear, doesn't it? But, Lord, whom shall I fear? Why should I fear them? My God is bigger. Open the eyes of my heart, Lord, so that I could see Your true nature. So that I would see that You are indeed bigger than my problems.
The Lord is the strength of my life. I will draw my strength from Him. For his strength is infinite. And so, of whom shall I be afraid? I shouldn't be afraid. I won't be afraid, and trust in the Lord.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Ask, Liz
"Ask of Me, and I will give You
The nations for Your inheritance,
And the ends of the earth for Your possession."
-Psalm 2:8
Last Sunday, I attended the service of Building Bridges at Salvatore Bar on the 6th Floor of Pacific Star Building in Makati. I must admit it was my first time to attend service at a bar. But the place was pretty good and besides, why not there, right?
The worship team was practicing when I arrived. And, man, we're they good! They said they were just fooling around, but their Bossa/Techno rendition of "Lord, I offer my life to you" was just...aaaaah! I mean, it was an old song. Who'd have thought they could make it sound so new again. They practiced other songs and they were just...heavenly~...
Lord, I wish I could serve You as well as they do. But look at me, Lord. I'm still trying to run away when already You said--
Anyway, worship started, and they played "You Said" by Hillsong. I had never heard that song before. Or if I did, it had never resonated with me before. But that Sunday, when Micah sang that song, it was like words from my heart were being verbalized. Not quite with the same feeling Hillsong had intended, I'm sure. Because, if I am to be honest about it, my words were slightly accusing. "You said, Lord! You said! You said You have plans for this little empire You have entrusted to me. You said You would show me Your glory. You said You would give me a life that would glorify You. You said!" And yet...
In the same song, He gave me the answer to the questions I couldn't put together. Ask.
Why don't you usually ask? Why do you go about trying to fix everything yourself? Are you afraid He wouldn't pull through for you? Where is your faith? He knows you by name. What is my name? Liz. Lizabeth. What does it mean? God's promises fulfilled. My very name declares God's faithfulness to His promises.
The song talked of His promises. My name declares they will be fulfilled. And how apt when what I am currently doing with some of the good folks from Building Bridges is a game for the nations.
Lord, I ask for the nations...
YOU SAID
Hillsong
You said, Ask and you will receive
Whatever you need
You said, Pray and I'll hear from heaven
And I'll heal your land
You said Your glory will fill the earth
Like water the sea
You said, Lift up your eyes
The harvest is here, the kingdom is near
You said, Ask and I'll give the nations to you
O Lord, that's the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see
Your light, as it rises on us
You said Your glory will fill the earth
Like water the sea
You said, Lift up your eyes
The harvest is here, the kingdom is near
You said, Ask and I'll give the nations to you
O Lord, that's the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see
Your light, as it rises on us
O Lord, I ask for the nations
Your name, little raven, is Liz. Not Thomas. Doubting doesn't suit you. Not Mara. Bitterness doesn't fit you, either. Your name, your definition, your very existence is a declaration of God's promises. It is high time you remember that.
The nations for Your inheritance,
And the ends of the earth for Your possession."
-Psalm 2:8
Last Sunday, I attended the service of Building Bridges at Salvatore Bar on the 6th Floor of Pacific Star Building in Makati. I must admit it was my first time to attend service at a bar. But the place was pretty good and besides, why not there, right?
The worship team was practicing when I arrived. And, man, we're they good! They said they were just fooling around, but their Bossa/Techno rendition of "Lord, I offer my life to you" was just...aaaaah! I mean, it was an old song. Who'd have thought they could make it sound so new again. They practiced other songs and they were just...heavenly~...
Lord, I wish I could serve You as well as they do. But look at me, Lord. I'm still trying to run away when already You said--
Anyway, worship started, and they played "You Said" by Hillsong. I had never heard that song before. Or if I did, it had never resonated with me before. But that Sunday, when Micah sang that song, it was like words from my heart were being verbalized. Not quite with the same feeling Hillsong had intended, I'm sure. Because, if I am to be honest about it, my words were slightly accusing. "You said, Lord! You said! You said You have plans for this little empire You have entrusted to me. You said You would show me Your glory. You said You would give me a life that would glorify You. You said!" And yet...
In the same song, He gave me the answer to the questions I couldn't put together. Ask.
Why don't you usually ask? Why do you go about trying to fix everything yourself? Are you afraid He wouldn't pull through for you? Where is your faith? He knows you by name. What is my name? Liz. Lizabeth. What does it mean? God's promises fulfilled. My very name declares God's faithfulness to His promises.
The song talked of His promises. My name declares they will be fulfilled. And how apt when what I am currently doing with some of the good folks from Building Bridges is a game for the nations.
Lord, I ask for the nations...
YOU SAID
Hillsong
You said, Ask and you will receive
Whatever you need
You said, Pray and I'll hear from heaven
And I'll heal your land
You said Your glory will fill the earth
Like water the sea
You said, Lift up your eyes
The harvest is here, the kingdom is near
You said, Ask and I'll give the nations to you
O Lord, that's the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see
Your light, as it rises on us
You said Your glory will fill the earth
Like water the sea
You said, Lift up your eyes
The harvest is here, the kingdom is near
You said, Ask and I'll give the nations to you
O Lord, that's the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see
Your light, as it rises on us
O Lord, I ask for the nations
Your name, little raven, is Liz. Not Thomas. Doubting doesn't suit you. Not Mara. Bitterness doesn't fit you, either. Your name, your definition, your very existence is a declaration of God's promises. It is high time you remember that.
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