Emotions

Yesterday, we did a recording for a game we're making. Macky, who's our head writer for this project, played the character with the saddest lines. He gave me the role of his mother. We all did a run through. And I told him I couldn't do it. But the truth was, there was a battle inside me. I wanted to do the mother's lines because I felt I could do the voice he wanted for her. I didn't want to do it because I knew I had to feel what she was feeling in order to do it properly. In the end, I lost the battle. I said I couldn't do it.

As I was watching Macky really step into the character as he did his parts, I couldn't help but think, "Wow, this guy isn't afraid of emotions." ... Afraid of what? Emotions. You're afraid of emotions? I liked to think not, but I can't deny the fact that I didn't want to feel it. You're afraid to cry? Hard to answer yes, when I keep crying when things get overwhelming. But yes, I'm afraid to cry. But more than that, I'm a little afraid to be swept in the emotion. Gah. It feels so good (in my brain) when I read about it. But when I'm actually in it, I kind of panic. I'm afraid to feel. And acting, well, acting requires that you get in it.

Oh, Lord, I'm not actually afraid of strong emotions (not counting rage), am I? I can't be. I love it!.. In the books anyway. I love Gen's emotional struggle. I love Percy's bleeding heart. I like the epic characters' tears and feeling of helplessness. And I also love the passions and stolen kisses and gentle touches in the romance novels. But then, no, it's different in the books. In the brain it's controlled. In the heart... it's too hard for me to control.

But this is absurd. How can someone be afraid to feel? But then, even my discipler thought I kept running away from my emotions...

Waaah! Lord! Am I? Is that why I hardly ever fell in love? Is that why I dislike retreats with testimonials because their tears will sweep me?

That's it, isn't it? I'm afraid of the loss of control. Lord! Help! I'm a control freak!