Lessons from my own mouth

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence? (Psalm 139:1-7 NIV)

Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts. (Psalm 139:23 NIV)

But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign Lord;
in you I take refuge—do not give me over to death. (Psalm 141:8 NIV)

Lord, I had thought You had saved me. But I come home and find out that this isn't so. I wanted to cry, Lord. To cry to You for disappointing me. Because I had trusted You to get me through this, and You didn't. Where were You, I asked. I thought You had plans for the company. You said You'd make it prosper. You said it will no longer be desolate. I couldn't see You. But I seek You. Forgive me, my God. I am being a brat again. But I thank You, Lord, for not remaining silent.

Where are You, I asked. Here, You said. You cannot flee from My Presence.

I am troubled, I said. I know your anxious thoughts, You said.

What must I do, I asked. Fix your eyes on Me, You answered. Take refuge in Me. I will not give you over to death.


My parents always told me, if you do one action and this result happens, if you do the action again, then don't expect the result to change. The situation has been recurring. And the one thing I realized that I haven't been changing is my reaction to the situation.

It's funny how just yesterday, I was the one telling a friend of mine how, in some circumstances, everyone involved may have had a fault. But at the same time, nobody is really to blame. Because we've done what we could. And we can't predict circumstance. And at the end of the day, even though we don't want to admit it, we are human, prone to make mistakes. And if we truly serve the God Who Is Love, then we must decide to love. Even when that means forgiving the one who disappointed us. And more often than not, that would be ourselves.

And here I am seeing that these very same words that have come out of my mouth are the same words that I have to take in and execute. The reason why I feel bad when bad things happen is primarily because I feel inefficient in my role as a leader.

Did I do everything I could? Yes, I did. Have I planned to better my processes? Yes, I have. But can I say that my reaction has been something that is pleasing to my God? No. My first reaction has always been to fret. To cry. To whine. Do I fix my eyes on God? Really? Truthfully, no. I turn away from God and frantically look for solutions.

But I have decided to change this reaction today. I will not fret. I will not be anxious. I will not cry. I will turn my eyes to my God. Even though I'm afraid, I will praise You, Lord. Simply because You are my God. And my God is good. My God is faithful. My God is present.