God of the universe, my Creator and Teacher. I realized something today. I realized that there were issues from three years ago that I never really addressed. I say that I have survived that storm unscathed, but in truth, even though I learned to forgive and not hold a grudge, a part of me still died in that encounter. Three years ago, I had lost my passion. I had lost my fire and my drive. I had lost my desires. And like a stroke victim, I stayed in the comfort of my paralysis. Instead of doing what I could to help spark the passion back, I, instead, learned to operate without feeling. And I ran my business without fire or passion, only thinking of my responsibilities for my people and how we needed to keep afloat. But I didn't try to find the love for my work back. I had lost it but I didn't try to get it back.
Then a year after, my best friend fell in love with me. And my emotional indifference to my work took an even worse turn. Now, I didn't want to stay in the office because I didn't want to see my friend. I didn't handle that situation well. My heart was already far from my work, and now, I wanted to physically be away, too. Because the passion for the work was dead, it wasn't difficult to find excuses to be outside of the office. My people saw that. My friend saw that. That's why his angry words towards me held truth. But I just didn't want to admit it.
And with the hardships of collecting from clients, and my physically not being there, and my loss of love, my company fell. And it was my people who had to suffer. Truly, I had failed them. I am grateful that my friends took some of them. And that the rest had gotten good jobs. You take care of Your people, Lord, and I am grateful for that. But the fact remains that this venture has failed because I remained dead in my tomb.
Three years ago, You promised that I would rise again. And around two years ago, just as I was beginning to recover from my heartbreak, You told me to get out of my tomb. But I didn't understand it at first. And it was too uncomfortable to move from where I was. But now I see the consequences of my disobedience. And innocent people had to suffer for it. Forgive me, Lord. Forgive me.
But all is not lost, for You gave me a promise that my children will return to me, and I wouldn't know where they all came from. Queens will nurture them and Kings will take them in. Then one day, they will return. And I hold on to that promise for You, who promised, are faithful. In the meantime, I will go beyond myself. I will stretch out and find the spark back. I will try out new things, rekindle my love for stories and comics and games. And I will rebuild my company into what I had always intended it to be: a creator of culture, a shaper of minds, a teacher of value. But I cannot do this without a heart. So, Lord, I lift this endeavor up to You. Be with me, Lord, as I go on this quest to regain my heart. Keep my people, Lord. Keep them safe and teach them things. Use them to touch lives and reach out. Let them bring glory to You. And give me wisdom to know how to go about my quest. That I may live the life You have promised Your people: full, passionate, and fruitful.
This I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen.
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