I will not forget you

But Zion said, "The Lord has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me."

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.

Your children hasten back,
and those who laid you waste depart from you.

Lift up your eyes and look around;
all your children gather and come to you.
As surely as I live," declares the Lord,
"you will wear them all as ornaments;
you will put them on, like a bride.

"Though you were ruined and made desolate
and your land laid waste,
now you will be too small for your people,
and those who devoured you will be far away.

The children born during your bereavement
will yet say in your hearing,
'This place is too small for us;
give us more space to live in.'

Then you will say in your heart,
'Who bore me these?
I was bereaved and barren;
I was exiled and rejected.
Who brought these up?
I was left all alone,
but these—where have they come from?'"

This is what the Sovereign Lord says:
"See, I will beckon to the nations,
I will lift up my banner to the peoples;
they will bring your sons in their arms
and carry your daughters on their hips.

Kings will be your foster fathers,
and their queens your nursing mothers.
They will bow down before you with their faces to the ground;
they will lick the dust at your feet.
Then you will know that I am the Lord;
those who hope in me will not be disappointed." (Isaiah 49:14-23 NIV)

Lord, I put my trust in You. The heart is treacherous. And thou I've seen what You've been doing in my life, my treacherous heart still whispers that the Lord has forgotten me. But my heart cannot keep secrets from You, my God. Forgive me for thinking it. But You said to lift up my eyes and look around.

Ah, but Lord. The treacherous heart speaks again. It whispers that You've been with me in certain aspects of my life, but not in others. You speak of nations, Lord. But what of love, Lord? What of my home? In those others, I feel forgotten. In those others, I feel like You think they're merely frivolities that I shouldn't even be bothering with. But that is a lie, Lord. I shouldn't be thinking that. Those are the words of the megalomaniac in my heart. But, ah, Lord, how do You keep these thoughts away? Because these thoughts come with feelings. And I feel like a child with a tantrum. Father, speak to me about these things. I trust You with my work. Now help me trust You with my heart. My very human and female heart. You tell me that You haven't forgotten me, then proceed to talk to me about my work. Won't You speak to me about hearts and relationships and men? I know You have Your plans. But affirm me, Lord. Tell me You haven't forgotten me in this aspect, either.

Ah, is this healing process still not done? Now, the emotions are louder. Please, Father. Ease my suffering. I just need some words from You. Give me a clear promise in this aspect of my life. Give me instruction. Clear, specific instructions on what to do. And show me that I can hope. Don't fix my heart, only to break it again. Ah, Lord! Fill me with Your words, Your promises and Your instructions quickly, lest other dark things fill my empty heart. Come to my rescue, Father. I need You. I placed my trust in You. I faced the hurts my heart had been harboring. But Lord, emotions come with other emotions. And they're attempting to overwhelm me again. Help, Father. Forgive me for being a spoiled brat, for throwing a tantrum. Just pick me up and tell me I'll be alright. I just need Your words, Lord.

For the Display of His Splendour

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. (Isaiah 61:1-3 NIV)

My emotions had been a muddle the past few days. On Sunday, I prayed fervently for my heart, which had felt like it had holes and so couldn't hold any good thing. But He told me to open my eyes. He told me to do the possible and leave the impossible to Him. But I couldn't see what was possible. And so on Tuesday, He sent one of His anointed to me, to show me that my heart did not just have holes. It was missing pieces. And that I had to go back and find those pieces I had left behind within the dark and painful memories of my past.

And so in the evening, I did. I faced the emotions and didn't run away. But, oh, I felt sad. So very sad. But in the midst of the sadness, I felt a little braver. For though it hurt to remember, I faced it. Not alone, thank God! I had Him and His anointed at hand.

The dark emotions that I had to confront continued. I felt sick on Wednesday, like I wanted to vomit because of all the bad feelings. But I couldn't. I felt weak. I felt my strength being sapped. And with the exhuming of the hurts, I had found others that I had buried. I found hope there. I had forgotten I had buried it, too. I had tried to kill it then. But I was afraid if I learned to kill hope, it would be so easy for me to do it in the future. So I buried it and just forgot about it. I found that I couldn't really fall in love with anybody because I buried that desire to love, too. Because at that time, I thought it was all a lie, a glamour that was never true.

I pressed on, having faith that my God would get me through this. Then His anointed checked up on me on Thursday. And he gave me words that encouraged, words in the Name of the Most High that lifted me. He told of "The Emptying," how not a lot of people survive it, but the chosen of the Almighty were safe. How did he know about the Emptying? He knew exactly how I felt. And suddenly, I didn't feel alone.

Lord, I thank You. Suddenly, I look at what I had gone through, and I don't see a tragedy. I see it now and understand what the scriptures were talking about. It is a gift. A glorious and necessary trial to empty the Lord's chosen of their own little gods. To break their unyielding hearts of stone so that it can be replaced by a heart of flesh, warm and alive.

I had thought myself a raven. An ominous creature romanticized by the poets, but in truth, a scavenger living off scraps and trash. But my God has opened my eyes to see what I could become from out of these ashes. I was not meant to be a raven, living for myself on whatever I found, masquerading as something regal when she's nothing more than a scavenger. No, my God had given me a name. A name I hardly use. But my God does not do things for no reason. And our names are given to us for the Almighty's purpose. All I had to do was trust Him and go through the fire.

And so now, I give myself to You, Lord, in the service of Your Kingdom. Mold me to be a delight to You. And help me to rise from the ashes, like the Golden Phoenix You have named me. May I be a tree of Your planting. May I be a display of Your Splendour.

To the bard who saw through my mask

Dear Sir,

Thank you. It truly was by the hand of the Almighty One that we met that evening amidst the columns of books. From one human being to another, thank you for hearing my woes and for not despising my tears. From one storyteller to another, thank you for reminding me that the true treasure of a storyteller is not her ideas but her heart. Indeed, how does one expect to make people feel when the storyteller herself does not wish to feel? 

With your kind indulgence, I would like to ask your assistance once more in this area of emotions, and be my reader as I retrace my steps and pick up the pieces of my heart I left behind. I would like to invite you to join me as a friend as I finally face these emotions I have long run away from.

Just like you, I live in the world of words. And if there is something that can truly hurt me, it would not be surprising that it would be words. I had prayed and pondered in the hopes that there would be another way to gain my stories back without having to relive the first time I had actually loved a man. Unfortunately, as you’ve already pointed out, there is no other way but through the storm. So, with your kind indulgence, here I go.

“I have no time for you.”

Those were his words that broke my heart. They were cold impatient words that left me feeling confused and hurt and worthless. But I was a proud woman, and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction that he had hurt me. So I pretended to be alright, told him to keep safe, and wished him the best.

He was a professor in the technologies. A quiet kind of man. His seemingly gentlemanly ways was what had attracted me to him. It was Valentine’s Day when he first asked me out. And, well, it continued from there. 

It was a wonderful feeling starting out. Little things like him walking on the more dangerous side of the road, or his opening the door for me were enough to make my day. I liked that. It made me feel protected and taken care of. Everything was great for a while, until one day, a parent complained about him. He took it badly. And everything just spiraled down from there. 

He got depressed. I didn’t know what to do. Nothing I did seemed to work. But after a time, he seemed to come out of his depression. We went out again. We were alright again. On Mother’s Day, we sent each other messages asking where each of our families were going to celebrate... Then the next day, silence.

All of a sudden, he just started ignoring me. We didn’t fight. We didn’t have any misunderstanding. Literally, the next day, he just started ignoring me. And for five days, I bore the confusion and hurt and worry, not knowing where I stood with him, not knowing exactly what I had done for him to ignore me all of a sudden. I tried talking to him. But his answers were short and impatient. Thinking he just needed time, I left him to himself. But after five days, I couldn’t bear it any longer, I asked him why he was ignoring me. And that was when he spoke those cold, impatient, devastating words, like as if I wasn’t even worthy to be broken up with properly. It was like he ignored me in the hopes that I would just disappear.

Barely a month after that night, he went and got himself a new girl. He was over me in a month, but I wasn’t over him yet. I still missed him. I was still confused then as to what had suddenly happened and why it was happening. Why would he tell me he loved me one day, and not a month after, made me feel worthless? Discarded! All I needed was an explanation. I knew relationships could fail. I entered it knowing that. But couldn't he even give me a decent explanation as to what had happened? Was that too much to ask? If he really loved me, couldn’t he bear the discomfort and sit me down and tell me that it just wasn’t working between us? But I wasn’t even worth that. I wasn’t worth that bother... Anyway, I was too much of a coward then to seek him out and ask for an explanation. I just needed to get as far away from him as quickly as possible.

It hurt so bad. I felt confused and angry and worthless. But I had responsibilities, and so I kept myself busy. And every time the memory of him or of that night popped up, I stamped it out as fast as I could so that I would no longer need to feel the confusion and the anger and the hurt.

And that, dear Sir, was how I lost that part of my heart. I am stepping out in faith, that my acknowledging these emotions and events would help me in the rebuilding of my heart. So that I can finally be complete and at full life, as I enter into the service of the Kingdom. Know also, dear Sir, that this exercise of feeling has also made me grieve for you and your brother. Because now, I can say that I truly do know how it feels to miss someone dear. May the Almighty One bless and keep you. 

And once again, thank you.

Before the songs grow faint..

Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, "I find no pleasure in them"— before the sun and the light and the moon and the stars grow dark, and the clouds return after the rain; when the keepers of the house tremble, and the strong men stoop, when the grinders cease because they are few, and those looking through the windows grow dim; when the doors to the street are closed and the sound of grinding fades; when people rise up at the sound of birds, but all their songs grow faint; when people are afraid of heights and of dangers in the streets; when the almond tree blossoms and the grasshopper drags itself along and desire no longer is stirred. Then people go to their eternal home and mourners go about the streets. Remember him—before the silver cord is severed, and the golden bowl is broken; before the pitcher is shattered at the spring, and the wheel broken at the well, and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it. (Ecclesiastes 12:1-7 NIV)

Solomon explains the feeling so well. I suppose Ecclesiastes was written so we know that this feeling really comes. Lord, I will remember You. Because everything is meaningless. The only point is You.

Open your eyes. Do the possible.

Sunday morning, I prayed. I was generally okay, but there were patches of darkness I had brought before my God. I asked for forgiveness. I asked for help. I asked. I told Him how I felt and what my concerns were. I was looking for something I still couldn't find. "... Or are my eyes closed, Lord?" I asked. "Open my eyes if [what I seek] is nearby. If not, then please bring [what I seek] to me. Or me to [what I seek]. Lord, please, do not forget me. Speak to me, Lord. I need You."

And I went to church. The preaching for the week was 'Prayer.' But to my surprise, the Pastor talked about eyes opening. That God opens eyes, and God closes eyes. That He opened the eyes of Elisha's servant so that he could see that there are more for us than there are against us.

Now that I think about it, I don't remember what the connection between eyes and prayer was in the preaching. I'll have to listen to it again via podcast once that comes out. But it just surprised me that from my prayer that morning, to the songs, to the preaching, it was all about opening eyes.

What am I not seeing? Who am I not seeing? What should I be seeing? My God has a tendency to answer me in one aspect of life when my question is for another. So in this case, Lord, what are we talking about? Lord, is what I seek nearby? Or is what is nearby something I should be seeking? I am listening, Lord. Speak. And open my eyes, Lord. What do You want me to see?

And so the Pastor continued with the preaching on Prayer. And that prayer without works is like rowing with one hand. It will only bring you around in circles. One should pray. Then act, having faith that God hears one's prayer. How do you expect to find a job when you're not even applying? Or how do you expect to get rich if you're not even making an effort to save anything? We often expect supernatural things from God but we forget that the world was created by Him, too. Why wouldn't He use what He's already created. Look around, the Pastor said. God may have already given you what you need. God only expects you to do what is possible. You leave the impossible to God.

After the service, I bought a devotional because I had already finished the ones I had. Then I went to Starbucks in Fully Booked to enjoy a little bit of solitude. Prayed some more. Tried to make sense of my thoughts. Then I went home.

Then when I opened the new devotional I bought, the first entry said, "My job is to take care of the possible and trust God with the impossible."

I do not believe in coincidences.

Where's the Girl?

I remember days full of restlessness and fury.
I remember nights that were drunk on dreams.
I remember someone who hungered for the glory.
I remember her, but it seems she's gone.

Where's the girl? Where's the girl with the blaze in her eyes?
Where's the girl with that gaze of surprise?
Now and then I still dream of her fire.

Where's the girl who could turn on the edge of a knife?
Where's the girl who was burning for life?
I can still see her eyes in my mem'ry.

And I know she remembers how fearless it feels
To take off with the wind at her heels.
She and I took this world like a storm.

Come again!
Let the girl in your heart tumble free.
Bring your renegade heart home to me.
In the dark of the morning, come warm me.
Come rouse me.

Dreaming girl, don't forget, recall who you are.
You were cut from a great fiery star.
Like a jewel in the sky blazing fire.

Where's the girl so alive and still aching for more?
You had dreams that were worth dying for.
You were caught in the eye of a storm.

Come again!
Let the girl in your heart tumble free.
Bring your renegade heart home to me.
In the dark of the morning, come warm me.

Come rouse me.

Where's the girl?
Is she gazing at me with surprise?
Do I still see that blaze in her eyes?
Am I dreaming, or is she inside me now?

This is my song at the moment. Changed the lyrics a bit. Ah, I used to be so fired up. And while I like what I've become, I miss the bold and unafraid part of me. I will find her. She's in here somewhere. And I will find her.

Taken from "Where's the Girl?"
Scarlet Pimpernel Musical
Music by Frank Wildhorn
Original Lyrics by Nan Knighton

A Prayer for my People

As my car turned to drive away from the office today, I saw one of our boys skipping to catch up with the others to catch a jeep home. It made me smile. My people were happy. 

I have ten people. Two were greatly affected by the recent storm. Several got stranded and got home at midnight. But all of them are safe. And despite the flooding, they still have that skip in their step, that playfulness in their banter, that easy laugh about them. 

The worst of the storm seems over now. I thank You for keeping them safe during this recent storm. And Lord, continue to protect them, especially in this rainy season. Some of them live far away. Some of them live in flood-prone areas. Some of them live in cities near bays. Some of them live in towns that are already in a state of calamity. I care for them, Lord, but there is only so much I can do. You have given them to me. And this is probably one of the biggest blessings You've given me. Protect them, Lord. They are precious to me.